In the year 2000

In the year 2000, as I was wondering what I was doing with my life, I had started seeing this old friend, MB, again. We had known each other for years, and had, I guess you could call it, "dated" a few times. He was one of those guys you turn to because you are bored or lonely. Not a serious boyfriend or even someone I would have taken home to meet mom and dad. I had met him the year I graduated from high school, walking along Mill Ave.

This time when I ran into him, I had gone to try sushi with another friend from my past, DJ. We were walking along Mill Ave, headed to RA. It was an interesting night, and I must say if you are going to try sushi- then take someone who knows what they are doing! We were both sushi virgins, and didn't know wasabi from pickled ginger!
After dinner, he wanted to go into a bar that was playing really loud music, and I decided to sit out. I was hanging on a corner when MB came walking by. I hadn't seen him in a year (having moved to Colorado tp try and find myself.) So we talked for a bit and I agreed to come over to watch a movie with him later that night.

I went to find DJ and see if he was ready to go. He wanted to stay at the bar (some hot girl he was checking out.) So I left and went with MB.

A few weeks later, and I had been hanging out at MB's house quite a bit. It wasn't that he was fun, but his roommate and their friends were.

One Friday night (actually January 29th, 2000) I was bored, and even though I had to work early the next morning (at my exciting job as a sales clerk at Sally Beauty Supply- hey- I had to support my hair dye habit somehow!) I called over to MB's house. Someone I didn't know answered the phone. He said his name was Will and MB would be home later, if I wanted to come over anyway, there were people hanging out. We talked for a little while, and he was pretty intriguing. So I headed out, stopping at Circle K to get some coffee on the way.

When I got to MB's, I hopped onto the barrier for the patio. I sat up there and chatted with the guys. Will was quite good looking. I mean most of the guys that hung out over there were ok, not bad to look at, but Will, wow.

Eventually we all went inside and they were drinking Saki- (which is gross! I know I tried it, and yuck!) I was still talking to Will, and his best friend.

Will asked me to walk with him out to his car to get these sticks that they were going to "fight" with. (Don't remember what they are called- I will have to ask him!) It was nice, he was so different from the other guys there, he was so mature and so sure of himself, but not in a bad way.

He asked me for my phone number, which I gave him. He went home.

The next Friday he called me and we went on our first "date." Golfland- with his best friend and another friend of theirs. It was a fun night, and I learned a lot about him.

We went out alone the next Friday night, and that Saturday, too.

Now, the hard part of this story... I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks after I met him. It was quite a shock, because- well I hadn't always been the safest person, and had never had this happen yet (a few scares, but no baby.) I thought it would be good, because he was awesome and even though we had only known each other a very VERY short time, I was so in love with him.

We talked about it, but he felt it wasn't something to get excited about yet, because so many women lose their first baby early on in the pregnancy. I was a wreck. 3 weeks later I did lose that baby. It was awful. But he stuck by me and we became engaged at the end of May or early June of 2000.

We fought often and it wasn't a pretty relationship, the miscarriage and everything else was weighing down on us. I just don't think we were really ready for this relationship, especially me. I needed to grow up.

I went away for 3 weeks, with my family to visit our relative in the Dakotas. It was a fun trip, but I was sick and tired the entire time. I also missed Will so much, but we had practically broken up before I left and I wasn't sure what I would come back to. I tried calling him, but the physical and emotional distance made it very difficult for us to really talk.

When we got home, it was July 15th. I realized that I hadn't had my period in a while, and with feeling as sick as I did, my friend and I went and picked up a pregnancy test. It was positive.

Will's birthday was the next day, and I was going to go see him. But I was feeling so sick, and so afraid. Instead of going to visit him or seeing him at all, we got into another fight. I didn't tell him about the baby either. I figured that would just add more to his already bad day.

The next day, I called him and told him about being pregnant, and feeling sick. We spent the next few months trying to talk, but finally stopped because it was just fighting.

Sometime in the 8th month of pregnancy, we met up for dinner. We had been corresponding via email, and it had been ok. The dinner was pretty nice, but stressful. We didn't really talk again or even see each other until the day after Rhayn was born.

I had my mom call him from the hospital AFTER Rhayn was born, to tell him he had a daughter. I was so worried about how I would feel and how stressed he would make me during the delivery, that I hadn't wanted him there. But I never took his feelings into consideration. When he showed up that morning, and held Rhayn for the first time, it was like every bad thing we said or did to each other had melted away. It wasn't that I had stopped loving him or anything like that. I had just needed some time, I needed to grow up. I think I needed to come to appreciate him, as a man, as my friend and as a father.

He came back the next day, because we had to stay 2 nights (because of her cleft palate- they did a lot of testing.) It was nice, we talked and had a decent time. Then Rhayn and I went home. He started coming down to visit us every Sunday. After a few weeks, Rhayn and I went to stay at his house for the weekends.

Months went by and things were going great for us, we were a family, even though it was disfunctional. I loved him, but I knew that I had hurt him badly and that trust would be difficult to rebuild.

In July, they found a problem in his lungs. I was starting to worry, because Rhayn would be going in for surgery the first week of September. I needed him, and was afraid they would do the biopsy the same day they scheduled Rhayn's surgery. I tried to explain that, but it came out very wrong and we ended up fighting again. This time it was a little easier to rebuild that bridge, it just once again took some time. The reason it was so scary to him and that my comment was so awful was that he needed some support, one of his sister's had died at 25 because of lymphomic cancer, that was in her lungs. I wasn't the support he needed.

Rhayn's surgery was fine, and his biopsy was ok (non-cancerous.) We basically started living with him that week, because of her surgery. We just never moved out.

2 years and one more miscarriage later, we were finally married.
It has been a long hard road, and we are still hitting those big hard bumps. It is hard to start off so roughly. I think that it will take us years to really work out all of those little kinks, but we are working on them. We are sticking it out.

I have many regrets from our starting years. I wish I had allowed him to be at Rhayn's birth. He really missed out on a lot, because I was so stubborn. As the birth of this baby is looming, I am so afraid he won't be around because of his ANG duties. I think that is why I am so into trying to get her out. I want him here, even if he had to go away for a few days AFTER she was born, I want him here for the actual birth. Its important to me, more important than I ever thought it would be.


abeNanna said...

The Sunday after Rhayn was born, Will gave me a big hug and told me he really cared a lot for both of you. I know how hard is was for both of you to go through those rough times. In our "perfect" marriage, we have also had ups and downs and times when we didn't even like each other. Those are the things that make a marriage. Because when the fighting is over everything seems oh so much sweeter.

leaner said...

Nothing and no one is perfect, we all make mistakes. I just hope that we are always willing to work on the bad things! I know he loves me, and I hope he knows how much I love him.
I also think writing this was a bit healing, because I feel like this weird weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I needed to write it out, I needed to accept the problems we have had and will have. I need to accept responsibility for actions that really hurt him and continue in some ways to hurt him. Its going to be a LONG LONG road, but its all worth it in the end!

TLC said...

You have already come around so much more than when you first met him. I have always enjoyed chatting with you - you are honest and wear it all on your sleeve. Because of that I know you will not accept situations as is. You will strive for that perfect balance that will work the best for YOUR family, not the Huxtables, not the Brady's but the Raginsinaz! Here's to not wearing rose colored glasses and accepting that there is always going to be ups and downs in every relationship!

beartooths2 said...

Wow. Marriage is a lot of hard work for sure. I don't think anyone really ever gets the "happy ever after" of fairy tales. But, when you are willing to put in the effort needed, it is a great trip. All us oldies could tell you lots of tales of stupid fights with our spouses.

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