I can't sleep. Christmas was such a disappointment. I hate typing that. I hate that I feel like this. My ideas were wrong. I should know better. I tried to get excited. But how could I?
I feel like my husband never listens to me.... so why do I talk to him? Its pointless to try to tell him things because I am always "complaining" I am such a horrible person, and at this moment I am so very unhappy with myself and with my life and with everything...
I want to start today all over- and be able to hide my reaction to his present better. Why did I get my hopes up for something that I knew he'd never do? I thought he would because he got all excited about it- but I was wrong.
Man was I wrong.
I hate this
Right now I hate me
I don't hate him, because if I wasn't "thinking" so damn much then I would not be feeling like this! why does every Christmas bring such disappointment? Why do I always end up feeling so alone and so lost? Its just such a bullshit holiday.
Not that Christ part- the buying gifts/Santa part. It just makes me feel badly. It makes me want to scream every year.
I am sure in a few days I will feel like my old self again.... not that that person is much better. I don't like me at all.... how do I change ME? Is it possible to make ME a person that people want to know? A person who says the RIGHT thing? Instead of being such an ass?
i hate me i hate me i hate me