personal narrative

How do you write a personal narrative? How do you write your story? 

I suppose I should start at the beginning, or at least the beginning of this part of my life. 

I once was a stay at home mom. I managed my household, no I was never amazing at it, but I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I thought I had a partner who wanted similar things to me. It turned out that I was wrong. During the course of our marriage, we grew apart, it is probably both of our faults, but I'm writing this from my side, so I am a bit biased. 

As I was saying once I was a stay at home mom to 4 daughters. The oldest one needed to leave us after she graduated from high school. It was important to her to be in her own. We still supported her in any way we could. 

After a time, and 2 Maggie familial losses (my brother and my dad), there was a job offer, that involved our family moving from Arizona to Florida. I looked at it like an amazing opportunity for our family. I thought it would bring us closer together, and it was an adventure. I used to love adventure. 

At some point during this all, he stopped saying "I love you" when I said it. At first he would mumble something, "luhyoutoo" and that became this slurred, incoherent word. I chose to ignore it. I continued living. 

We were in Florida for a year and 1 month, then we moved to Maryland. But of these moves involved him moving to the place before us, whole I stayed behind with the kids and packed. I hate packing. It's stressful. 

We finally got ourselves to Maryland, drenched every ounce of our beings in old bay and the Maryland flag. Our kids started yet another school, and we met really awesome neighbors. 

During all of this, I kept thinking "he's distant because moving is stressful" or just making up excuses for why he treated me like an employee and not a life partner. 

Around a year ago, we started a hard conversation. Mostly via email. We started marriage counseling, which felt hard, but opened my eyes to how much I had been neglecting myself. I was constantly balancing his emotions as well as the kids' emotions, while completely ignoring every feeling I had. I was starting to imagine a way out. But had no idea what I would need to do. 

Marriage counseling had really just broken open all of the cracks that I had hot glued together, knowing it was easily removed, but feeling like I needed to keep it all together. He made the choice, finally, for us to separate, I made the choice to put myself first, and accept that it was the best course of action, because neither of us were happy. But mostly because he said, at the beginning of the sessions, he wasn't really interested in reconciliation. He refused to even really talk about us, he spent our sessions discussing how to co-parent. After 25 years of parenthood, he finally wanted to help, and was willing to be a better dad. 

He just isn't willing or able tov open himself up to me. And now I'm sitting in the bedroom we once shared- I've painted it, rearranged furniture and got myself a cat. Because I'm stuck here for the foreseeable future I am trying to make this house feel like MY home. 

There is so much more, but that is the short story. 

Opposites

When I was 20 a friend asked me what I looked for in a mate. We talked about the yin yang or opposite person as well as one who was a carbon copy. (Like people these days really know what a carbon copy is.)

I wanted someone to complement* me. Rather like a puzzle piece that felt like it had been missing forever.

Although I knew from early on that Will was perfect for me, its been a rough road. I am a mess. I dislike myself because I am mean and hurtful. I don't tell him that I love him. I don't compliment him enough. I don't know how to show him that I care as much as I do. In fact he often asks me if I dislike him. That breaks my heart because I know that I am not treating him the way he deserves to be treated.

Sure at the moment I have an excuse. I am attempting to adjust to life as mom of 3. But this isn't a new phenomenon. It isn't even unique to him. I do not know how to show love to a partner. To the kids, I am ok with it. Although I really dislike how I act towards Rhayn, too. But that is a totally other post. (All about my failings as a parent.)

Over time I think Will and I have become more of a yin yang. Our edges are slowly rubbing against one another and becoming a smooth fit**. I can't imagine my life without him and I hope he feels the same way. I know we aren't perfect, neither of us. But really who thinks their relationship is perfect? Aren't there always little imperfections, tiny bumps that keep the parts from fitting perfectly together? Yet with time and patience those bumps can smooth out.

But I think we complement each other, we balance each other. And that is what I always wanted.

*I wrote "compliment" originally. Of course I want that, who doesn't?
**That sounds dirty, sorry about that.

Eight

Tomorrow is our anniversary. For 8 years, we've been married. Not all of it has been easy. In fact we've had some really rough times (who hasn't?). I know that we still have many more rough roads to travel. Our family is expanding and our daughters are growing up. Soon we will have a child who is a decade old the teen years are close at hand. This year has been a tough one, with a pregnancy that has left me feeling sick a lot of the time, and a business that you are working really hard to get going. You joined an Army reserve unit that isn't in this state and the travel has been hard. We have so much on our plate but most of it is ours together and that makes it easier to deal with. But through it all, even when its bad, I know I want to be here in this family. I know that I want to continue growing together. And I am looking forward to the next part of our life together.

Seven

Seven Years, baby.

Yesterday Will and I celebrated our seventh anniversary. For our anniversary I wanted two things- an enameled dutch oven and flowers. Will took the day off and we went out for the morning. We walked around Target, then Fry's Electronics and Costco finishing our morning with In-N-Out hamburgers.

Red rose.

For dinner Will grilled ribeyes and we ate leftover mashed potatoes and salad. It was really good. We rarely eat steak, saving it for special occasions. Marking our marriage is one of those special occasions.

Our dinner and my flowers.

Enameled cast iron dutch oven, Lodge brand, in Caribbean Blue.

Today I am excited to use my new dutch oven to make lentil soup. The big ice block is frozen chicken broth I made a few months ago. This is one of those multiuse pots. Check out The Pioneer Woman Cooks for countless recipes using an enameled dutch oven. (I know hers is Le Creuset, but seriously it costs double what the Lodge brand one does. I don't even know ifs I would use one of these enough to warrant that price. Plus these were well reviewed.)

Celebrating 7 Years

In lieu of pictures of Will and I (of which there are few) here are some beautiful blooms from our Desert Botanical Garden trip yesterday.

Enjoy your day, you know that we are enjoying ours!

Our Night Out

My mom came up yesterday to take the girls home for the night. Will and I hadn't had a date night since November when we went to the marriage seminar.

While he worked on the patio cover roof, trying to get it done before this big storm is set to hit the southwest, I took the girls to meet my mom. Then we both took a short nap before we went out.

The thing that sucks most about having a date night, is that often we have no idea of what to do. I mean of course there is dinner and a movie, or walking at the park. We need new ideas. Last night was a variation on that theme. We went out for dinner, originally I had planned for us to enjoy cheese fondue at the Melting Pot before our next step (which we would determine during the cheese course.) Instead after our arrival at the Melting Pot, we decided to enjoy a whole meal there. It was really pleasant, albeit a little warm in the booth. Will said that those intimate booths are not the place to take a fresh from Iraq soldier. He worked through the feeling and I think we had a good time.

The cheese is my favorite part, cheddar and beer is good, dipping crisp apple and bread in it is also good. The dinner, well I think if we went back we would skip that. Although the broccoli was exceptionally tasty. We had to finish off with chocolate fondue. I chose the yin and yang, an artfully blended white and dark chocolate mix. (No, I didn't take a single picture, what is wrong with me?) We both agreed that the strawberries dipped in the chocolate were delectable.

We discussed what to do next, I would have liked to see The Lovely Bones, but he would have fallen asleep during the movie. We chose to go to Target (variation on the walk around the park.) We hadn't been to Target together in a while, possibly since he's been back, but we couldn't remember. He found some shirts for running, and we bought a gift for Rhayn's upcoming birthday. Most of all it was nice being in each other's company.

We left Target about 8pm, and headed home. I know, it was an early night. So? We went home and watched television for a short while before going to bed. I prefer to keep our routine, not varying from it too much, because the dogs get up at 6 AM no matter what time we go to bed.

All in all, it was a nice night, and today we have been working on the roof of the patio cover, and also took a trip to Lowe's (and Home Depot) together. Now I am going to take a nap, while he continues to work on the roof.

My Dream Car

Do you remember those 1994 ads for the Dodge Neon? The ones that just said "HI"? I loved that car. I wanted that car. I had never before been swayed by an ad so completely. For years I longed to have a Dodge Neon. I longed for one in a sporty purple or maybe even orange. I liked the brightly colored cars, as long as they weren't red. I did not want a red car.

In 1999, I bought my first car. An ugly red Plymouth Horizon, the cheaper version of the Dodge Omni. I can't remember what year that car was (and '89 I think) but it got me around for a while. Will was terrified of it the few times I drove him around in it. You see it shuddered like you wouldn't believe. It leaked oil, too. But I loved that little car. I nicknamed her "the Whore". I know, really nice. I stopped driving her sometime after I had Rhayn.

My next few cars were bought by Will at auctions in Prescott. The first was an old police cruiser, a Crown Victoria with the spotlight and everything. My punk-rock self found this car to be awesome. But it was impractical for a mom, as it only had one seat belt in the backseat. We sold that one and bought a Chevy Cavalier at the auction. I drove that car for a few years I think. Then Will's brother offered to sell us a 1998 Plymouth Neon. Sure it was red, and sure it wasn't a Dodge, but it was close enough to that high school dream car that I was excited.

The Neon has been a good vehicle. It has little issues (starter going out, leaks oil), which come with having an older car, but it gets us where we need to go. I mock it often, but really I love that car.

But now we are looking at new vehicles, we have 3 top contenders. Well, I have 1 top contender, Will has 2 that he likes well enough. For me, the Mazda 5 is a winner. It is the most versatile vehicle we have looked at. Will likes the Chevy HHR it fits our needs, and is comfortable inside. We both like the look of the Dodge Caliber (I find it a sexy car for some reason). It also fits our needs.

The thing I like best about the Mazda 5 is that there are 6 seats. Of those 6 seats, 4 fold down and give you a lot of space in the back if you needed it. You can separate the kids into the different rows, too. Its a micro-van, has sliding doors on the sides, which means kids can't open the door and whack the car next to you. The back, even with all 6 seats up could hold our two 50 pound dogs. I am completely sold on it. Since Will isn't quite ready to admit defeat and buy a traditional mini van (our next step I am sure) this would be a perfect interim vehicle.

Its going to be a while before we actually buy a new (to us) car, but it doesn't hurt to look and see what is out there.

Choices

Every marriage has ups and downs, ours is no exception. Since we met, we have had a fair share of these humps. When we first moved into this house the bills were more than we had budgeted and our finances were not enough to cover them. I had to get a job to help out. Then Will changed jobs and that particular job was a soul sucking hole. He became really depressed, and this was compounded by him going to basic training, then attending Officer Candidate School (OCS) and getting his masters degree at the same time.

We were living different lives, and barely saw each other. Our sex life was gone, we were not talking or doing anything together. It wasn’t good. I stood by, and hoped that it should get better, we had to make it through the schools. We did, and things seemed to improve. He got a new job, which helped a little.

He went to some army schools, and after one came home and told me that we had nothing in common. I can’t remember exactly how he stated it, but to me it felt like he said that he didn’t respect anything I did, and that it seemed all I cared about was handwork (knitting and embroidery) and to him those things didn’t matter. It felt like being told that everything you do is a waste of time.

When he got his orders to be deployed, we emotionally separated long before he left. It felt like we were roommates. I buried myself in books and television, he lost himself in World of Warcraft. We didn’t connect ever. I spent my time wanting to hold on to him but not being able to communicate that, while he disengaged from our family. He was away at schools for months before he deployed, but would be home for short periods between the schools. We pretended happiness in front of the kids, but it was fake. I was ready to give up, our marriage appeared to be over. But I knew I had a year to think about it. I didn’t want to make a rash decision before he left.

While he was gone, I thought, I made charts, I wrote pro/con lists aplenty some on paper some in my head. When he was quiet and didn’t email much, it went in the con list. When he called and told me that he loved me, it was another notch on the pro side. I went through our entire courtship. Including the time I was pregnant with Rhayn and we weren’t together and what made me be there. I remembered all of the things he had said that hurt me. But I also thought about the good times. I considered how it would be if we split, and tried to envision him with someone else. I imagined our future if we stayed together.

I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I love him, even through the pain. I vowed to give it a little more time. I became excited for him to come home and to start our new life together.
When he came home he had changed so much. That may sound bad, but it wasn’t. He had new perspective and realized that family matters more than so many of the other things. He no longer played World of Warcraft, he doesn’t come home and immediately turn on the television. He has started getting rid of possessions because they don’t matter, thus cleaning out some of the clutter that he has held onto since before we met. Most importantly he has taken an active role in our children’s’ education and taken a little of the pressure off of me.

And in an instant, my mind was made up. Many of the things that he had done that drove me bonkers are gone. He has changed for the better, and I hope that he feels the same way about me. His new attitude makes me strive to be so much better than I was. He has always made me want to be a better person, but now I want to be a better me, and although that sounds similar it’s not.

This weekend while we were together, just the two of us, while we listened to someone talk about communication, I fell in love with my husband all over again. Since he has been home, there have been ups and downs. We’ve had miscommunications of course. But no matter what my conclusion is that I am more committed to our relationship, our family, us and I look forward to our future.

*It may seem like I am not taking responsibility for the problems we had, believe me, I know that I was a part of all of them. I admit to being a mess, too. I am a full partner in this, good or bad.

In which the world is so small.

On Saturday morning (after a rough night's sleep due to ill advised nacho fries before bed... how old am I?) Will and I went to our marriage classes. I downed much coffee in order to make it through the day. Sometime around mid-morning, I walked by the ballroom and saw a room being set up for what looked like a wedding reception. There were beautiful orange ribbons tied on all of the chairs.

An hour later I walked by again, and noticed these really beautiful table runners on all of the tables. I started to wonder, knowing that a certain bloggy friend of mine was getting married that day and I knew one of her colors was orange, if it just might be her wedding. I wasn't sure how to find out until later someone asked about a party that was going on and was directed to a schedule that was posted near the pay phone by the same restroom I had been using. I walked over there, slyly, and feeling silly for it, to see the name of the wedding party. I bent down to look and it was her wedding party. I literally squeaked for joy. I knew I wouldn't intrude on her wedding. But it made me laugh and feel giddy for her even more than I already did.

As we left, to go out on date night, we walked by the wedding party, from the side I saw a beautiful woman, in a white dress, surrounded by family and friends, and tears welled in my eyes.

There are times when the world feels so small, and so friendly. This was one one of those moments, just knowing that I was there, enjoying some much needed time with my spouse, while she was becoming a spouse made the weekend a little more special. Not that it needed ANY help with that, believe me. If you ever have a chance to take a marriage seminar or class of any kind, take it, don't hesitate because it will be worth it.

Gratitude Day 13, 14, 15 and 16

On Friday my mom took our girls and dogs so that Will and I could attend a Strong Bonds Marriage Retreat. I am so thankful for the time that I had with him. I promise a long post about our weekend, just not right now. I think we needed it, and I have to say I came away from this weekend feeling good about our relationship and where we are headed.

Gratitude Day 12

I am thankful for a night out with Will. I loved the Phantom of the Opera, our seats were awesome, and it was so cool to see Amie! Will looked really hot in his dress uniform. I neglected to eat before we left and so was hungry. It was also late and I am no longer a late night person. It was so much fun to get dressed up and I hope to be able to do that more in the future! (I know this is similar to my last post about gratitude, but its a long month, ok?)

I am excited about this weekend, we are going to a Strong Bonds seminar at a nice hotel in the valley for 2 days. My mom is watching the girls and dogs, while Will and I work on our marriage. This will be the longest we have ever had, just the two of us, since Rhayn was born nearly 9 years ago. I will post about it Sunday or Monday.

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

On this day, three years ago
a family was reunited.
Love that had been lost,
reformed
and became
what they should have been.
Besides my own,
of all the weddings I have
attended,
this one,
my brother and his true love,
meant the most to me.

Thank you, Jodi for marrying my brother.

Finding Common Ground and Balance

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately but not enough doing. I signed up and paid for a writing workshop. Thus far I have missed one of the three sessions. (Sick kids/sick me. More on this later.)

I am trying to be proactive, to actually make myself do something, to make myself happy. You see, it turns out that my husband doesn't think I am happy. He thinks I am unhappy in our marriage. This is not the case.

I will admit that before he left last year, I was unhappy. I knew that things had to change or we would end up divorced. Neither of us were getting along, and we had lost sight of anything resembling cohesion. We felt that we had nothing in common. I was lost in "woe is me" land, and he was lost in WOW. These things, as well as lack of communication and gearing up for dealing with separation, just pushed us further apart. I was clearly not happy with how we dealt with his deployment.

However while he was gone, I was given time to think. I had plenty of time to find myself and my strengths. Sure, I had bad days, and break downs. It occurred to me that I wanted this family, this marriage, to work more than anything.

When he came home, there were changes. Positive changes in him as well as in me. I was able to tell him things that I needed to say while he was gone (by email.) He was able to process them. Since he has been home, I have attempted to keep up with that. I have been trying to tell him how I feel, and what I need. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, because honestly I have no reason to. I am trying to let him know what bothers me, instead of seething about it. And he? He has quit playing WOW. His priorities have shifted away from his computer, and games, and towards our family. This is welcome. He still needs to have time to himself, decompression time after work, but it no longer comes first, we do. He has been so much more helpful around the house. He has been cleaning out his office. (This is HUGE, he was a collector of old computer stuff, or maybe, he just couldn't seem to part with it because of the money it once cost.) He has changed in so many good ways. I wish that I could really portray this here. I am so excited about our future now, instead of dreading where we are headed I can see light and fun and joy.

Last night we had a great conversation. Instead of being upset and trying to work through some issues while we were mad, we spoke about feelings when we were both calm. We were able to (with a few child interruptions) discuss our feelings and what we want. This was when he told me that he thought/thinks I am not happy. I have never been the one who jumps up and down with joy when he comes home. Sadly, he is not the first male in my life to tell me that this was a problem. Long ago, I had a boyfriend who lived in a different town. When he came to visit, I would open the door to let him in before sitting back down on the couch. I didn't even hug or kiss him. What was wrong with me? I am not nearly that bad now. If I am in the kitchen when he comes home (which is most days as I am making dinner) I try to hug him. Usually he is bombarded by small people and furbabies who want his attention. I have just resigned myself to getting the affection last. Maybe I should run up to him, and jump into his arms? Maybe I should at least make sure I say "Hello" when he walks in the door (although I thought I was good at that.) I am willing to make changes to my behavior for me but also because I want this to work, and I want him to know how much he means to me. I am so glad that he is home, I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

When his priorities shifted away from internet usage, he realized that what he had was an addiction, and he pointed out that, I too suffer from the same thing. I know this, but while he was gone, it was my link to the outside world. I am ready to step back from this.

Dear internet, I will miss our long hours together, but I will be slowly weaning myself from you. I need to do things for myself. Yes, I will still post on this blog. It is something I need. But also? I am attempting to write a story, and I need to put my creative energy into that. Today I made myself spend an hour writing on that before I allowed myself to even check blogs, and I made myself wait until after lunch to write this post.

It is important for me, to get away from staring at this monitor for endless hours. My family (and my house) needs me here in the real world.

There are quite a few things that I should be doing right now. Instead I am sitting here, at the computer, wishing the kids would be quiet. I slept fitfully all night and consequently I really just wish to lay back on the couch and sleep.

I want to write about all of the crap that is making me feel this way, but I feel guarded. I feel like I can't fully share this part of my life. I am scared, and I am tired. I am worried about things that are out of my control. I feel overwhelmed because I don't know how to fix any of it and instead I feel like my head is buried in sand. I have been late for nearly everything this week. Being late is a pet peeve, and causes me to have anxiety attacks. I want to putter around and not worry, but my heart starts beating too fast and I feel panicked when time starts running short. Instead of enjoying things, I am just doing them.

I had a really bad day on Tuesday, I emotionally broke. All of the emotions that I hold inside escaped. But I didn't share it with Will. I didn't tell him what was making me feel that way. (Things that I am worried about that pertain to him.) I could have, it was a great segue into that conversation. But trying to talk about those feelings and thoughts makes me more panicked and anxious. Plus, I never know how he will react to anything I say. Its been tough because his patience is gone. I knew it would be, I tried to prepare for this, but how can you really prepare to deal with your husband's demons when you really have no idea what they are or how they will manifest? I love him. I want to tell him everything, but I can't. I can't put myself through the rejection I fear if I start sharing my hopes and fears.

I feel like I did on Tuesday, before my emotional box broke. I feel sad, and tired, worn out. I see the list of things I need to do, but I can not make myself even begin to tackle it. Sure there is a VVA pick-up today. I should get the stuff out to the street. I just can't. It took everything I had to get up and make him coffee this morning and to take a shower. It is taking all of my control to not curl up into a ball and cry on the couch for a few hours.

I can't do that, I don't have time to do that. I don't want the girls to see me like this. I worry about how my depression is going to affect them. I know that Rhayn worries that her dad and I will get divorced, I worry about it, too. Its the last thing I want. I know that there is a lot of good in our relationship. But also a lot that is wrong. There are so many things that we need to fix. We both acknowledge that we need help, too.

For once, I want someone to take care of me, and let me just wallow in this. I thought it would be better when he came home, instead, I feel worse, more afraid, more anxious, more... just more.

It Is What It Is and Let Go.

I spoke to a counselor today. I had no idea what to expect, but knew that I needed to talk about how angry I am in this situation. He gave me a few good pointers at how to help myself feel better.

1. Realize that this is my current situation and nothing I do will really change it. Will is going to remain in deployed no matter how much I wish him home. Accept my life, and change my mantra. Instead of "This is too hard, I am losing it" I can say "my life is what it is" because until he is home, I can not change anything beside my frame of mind.

2. Let go. I am going to continue to feel like crap. I will continue to have these thoughts- the sad, lonely, I wish this weren't my life type thoughts- nothing will change that. I need to let them pass. He said to possibly visualize them as fluffy clouds floating by. Sure, I am stressing about the thirty things I need to do today, but instead of dwelling on those thoughts, I need to let it go. Envision the thought as passing in front of your eyes, and if you stop it and dwell upon it, it ends up hovering right between your eyes, where you will continue to fuss over it. If you let it pass, then it goes by. Sure it may come back every hour, ten times an hours or maybe more (or less) but just let it float by.

The counselor and I used yoga practice as a good metaphor for life. It really is. You don't dwell upon the pose, when it is over, its over. When in the middle of a really tough pose, you work through the pain, you feel the pain. That pain, like the pain of childbirth, doesn't last forever. When its over you feel stronger because you know how much you can handle.

Once again, I am reminded of how much I love yoga. I think when Will gets home, he should attend some yoga practices with me. I think it would be good for us. We could let go, together.

Nothing, that is really worth it, is easy.

Sometimes while reading blogs I come across something that really hits me hard. Sometimes it is because I have experienced it. Sometimes it is because I have thought about it only one way, and never even considered the other side. Sometimes it is because I have never even thought that it could happen to me.

Today I stumbled across this blog My So-Called Sex Life by Andrea Frazer (the title of the blog speaks to me, simply because I loved that TV show.). In her post “An Affair to remember… or forget” two women are talking, an older one and a younger one. The younger woman is getting a divorce because her husband cheated on her. The older woman says she knows how the younger woman feels because her husband had an affair while he was away at war. The younger woman is appalled that the older woman stuck by her husband even after he cheated.

Now, how do I feel about this?

No, Will has never (to my knowledge, and I trust his word) cheated on me, nor do I think he ever would. But, what would I do, if he did stray (while he was deployed or even while at home)? Honestly, I would stay with him, I would want to work it out. To me, marriage is sacrosanct. I took those vows seriously and if one partner or the other makes a mistake, it would not be the end, not for me.

When I was younger, I swore up and down that if anyone ever cheated on me, I was out of there. Why would I put up with that? Once a cheater, always a cheater, you know. But those were boyfriends, not husbands. Those were guys I was no where near as attached to. Plus, my thinking has changed. We all make mistakes, don’t we?

Of course, I think honesty is key to marriage as well as trust. If something were to happen with him, I would be hurt, really hurt. I would most likely lose my trust in him, but trust can be rebuilt. No, its never effortless, believe me, because I once betrayed his trust (no, I didn’t cheat on him) and am still making up for it, still attempting to build that strong foundation. But it is so worth it.

In America marriage seems to be like a passing fad. You marry someone you think you love, but then, at the first sign of trouble, you give up. Divorce is almost as easy as getting married. Our values are skewed, and we want everything to be easy.

Nothing, that is really worth it, is easy. Marriage, like learning a new language, is hard work. You can never be too complacent because you start to lose a little of what you have worked on. Every day is a new struggle, a new thing to work on. There will come a time when you may fall out of love with that person, the newness, the joy that you felt early on, will most likely be diminished. But don’t give up. Its possible that a better part is coming, a more solid, and sure part of love. That partnership that is built by working together, and being intimate with one another, (mentally and physically) is worth the effort.

I want to add, that in no way is my marriage perfect. I mean, how can it be, with him in Iraq? I think that knowing how hard we have worked has really made me want to stick it out. I know how hard we will have to work on our marriage when he gets home, but that is worth the effort, too. He is a wonderful person. I love him more than I ever thought I would love anyone. I can not imagine my life without him.

Nuggets of Wisdom from a 22 year old.

In my ill state I began trying to organize my garage. What was I thinking? I guess feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest makes me think "Lets get dusty! And move large objects!" But I did as much as I could today. I moved the shelves away from the wall, and will start painting soon. Its going to be nice enough out for the next few days that being in the garage will not feel like death. If I wait, it will not happen until much later, like late fall.

While I was moving things around, I found a box of journals, and drawings. Its mostly from right around when I met Will and we were dating. There was a lot of self doubt and self loathing in there. I feel bad for the 22 year old me, she wasn't a very pleasant or happy person. Its no wonder Will and I didn't get along perfectly. He probably saw my potential and I fell so short of it in every aspect. Instead of being his equal, I was a spoiled little brat. I don't understand why he dated me in the first place, and really I don't understand why he married me, either. But that is a topic for another day.

I found this little nugget of words written exactly one year before I became a mom.

march 6, 2000 i wish i could let you into my mind for a moment. so you could see how much you mean to me. i wish you could see yourself through my eyes. if i could find the words that told you what i think, how i think. what it is that makes these emotions so hard to describe through words? why can i find a word to describe sunsets, jerks on the road, the pesky gunk under my mails, but the words to tell you how i feel delude me.

Delude me? What is that? I am sure there was a different word I meant, but I wrote delude. And I either wrote in all capitals or all lower case. I now write in some mixture of the two (when I hand write something.)

a few weeks before that-
feb 19, 2000 i am so afraid to let go. i am afraid of how much pain i could be caused. i push everyone away. i know i do. i hurt those i care the most about. i try to smile, to not let my fears show. i try to enjoy each day. its hard to do this when all i see is how much i could be hurt. why can't i live in the now, be happy with what i have? things really aren't that bad in fact my life seems to be going ok for the moment (for the moment!) i am waiting for the turning point when everything goes to shit. its going to happen soon, i can feel it. nothing can stay good for long.

This was written within a month of meeting Will. I was so afraid of letting myself love him. Loving people had always caused me pain in the past. I did let go, sort of. I let myself feel love towards him, but didn't let him fully into me. I still struggle with this. The same issues that I have always had. It all comes back to two words-

Faith and Trust.

Without those, there is nothing.

If my skin were a color, it would be green right now. No, not because I have spent so much time in my garden digging in the earth. It would be green with envy. I feel so jealous of everyone. Jealous because their partner is home with them. Jealous because they are having babies. Jealous because things at their house work and aren't breaking. Jealous.

This deployment drags on and on. I just can't seem to get out of this funk at the moment, this loneliness.

I can't even begin to explain how lonely it feels, because part of it is that the relationships I am envious of, are nothing like what Will and I have. They are more like what I want us to have. But as with anything, our marriage needs work. We have both lived side by side but not always together for so long. And now we aren't even side by side.

There are very few things in life that I want very much, one of them is to have the kind of relationship with Will where I can tell him anything, and never question that he will love me through it. I want him to feel the same way towards me. I want us to be best friends and automatically turn to each other before anyone else. But we don't. Most of all, I want to feel comfortable crying on his shoulder.

It hurts to admit that we havevery little of that. I have spent so much of this deployment looking at our marriage through rose-colored glasses, remembering only the good parts, pretending the bad parts never existed. But reality has sunk in.

We had a disagreement via email. Stupid and petty. But I have spent the past three days feeling like I was punched in the stomach. It is over a misunderstanding, as usual. It is really silly, words not used properly, teasing not taken as teasing. And I don't even know if it has upset him at all. I, on the other hand, keep going over it. Over and over and over. Like a bad movie that keeps playing in my head. I want it to stop but that button is broken. I want him to call, to email, to tell me its alright. If he was home, I would be sitting here, anxiously waiting for him to let me know that he really isn't mad. (This is usually done by some strategic bottom slapping or grabbing, I miss that.) If he was home, we would talk, maybe not very much, but a little then we would do what married folk do when they make up. And it would be awesome.

Instead I sit here, worrying. Stressing. Probably getting ready to break out in another "heat rash". I feel dumb for worrying so much, and causing my body stress that it doesn't need. But I can't help it. He has been gone pretty much for over a year now (with trainings and whatnot) and I miss him. I miss knowing he is in his office or downstairs. I miss having someone to talk to at night. I miss family dinners, because lately its been a struggle not to curl up into a ball crying at night, so the girls and I watch sitcoms (Frasier) because it makes dinner tolerable. I hate that I have turned to that. It is so easy when he is home to sit as a family at the table, to talk, to unload the day together. I don't want to sit at the dining room table without him, because it feels empty.

These days I feel that I am going through the daily motions, but not really living. Its just not a good way to be.

A Story About a Girl, a Boy and a Ring.

Once upon a time, a girl met a boy. They liked each other.
One day he called her and asked if she wanted to go to play miniature golf with some friends. She did. The next weekend he asked her if she wanted to go out to eat. She did. They soon spent nearly all of their non-working time together. She knew she loved him, but had had many bad experiences. She kept it to herself.

Months went by and instead of letting herself fully love the boy, she started to build a wall. You see, this girl was very good at building walls around her heart. She didn't like to be hurt and had been so many times in the past. Some times we don't see the good things that surround us, and she was fully guilty of this. She did not see how good he was for her, how good they were together.

They spoke of marriage. And one day shopped for a ring. She loved that. Never before had anyone wanted to spend the rest of their life with her and it started to make her feel like that wall might not be necessary. But it was hard to break down a wall like she had built.

The day he asked her to marry him, she was very happy. She was sitting on the floor in his room, alphabetizing his cds. (They were a mess, and she liked things to have order.) It was a sweet moment.

She was going to go on vacation with her family. She would be gone for three weeks. He was worried. Three weeks is a long time and he had had a relationship go sour when it became a long distance thing. She was sure it would be fine. But a few days before she left, she became an emotional wreck. She became upset with him, and even through the ring back at him. She immediately regretted it. She regretted that hurt that she could see in his eyes, and the breaking she felt in her own heart. But what is done is done and she could not take it back. They stayed together threw this, no longer as an engaged couple, although she still said they were. She knew that she had messed it all up too badly. He took the ring and hid it away.

During the vacation she began to feel ill. Everything made her nauseous and she wanted to sleep all of the time. When they got home, it occurred to her that she had missed her period. She took a pregnancy test and it was positive. She told him on the phone, but they did not see each other until much later on in the pregnancy.

She grew cold towards him, cutting out any feelings that she had had. She thought only of the bad things because it made it all so much easier to deal with. She knew she had brought it all upon herself. She knew that she had hurt him more than she could ever imagine. And she continued to hurt him, even though she didn't want to.

The day the baby was born, the wall broke. She hadn't allowed him to be at the birth, thinking it would be too hard for her. Instead she created more regret to carry around in her heart. She had her mother call him to tell him that he had a beautiful baby girl. When he came in the room, she melted. She knew she had been wrong and stupid. She just hoped it was not too late to recreate the family that she should have had.

Over the weeks and months the boy and girl, now a mother and father, spent time together with their child. The child bringing them back into the same room. The child giving them purpose together. And slowly, very slowly, the hurt began to heal.

When that baby was very nearly two years old, they decided it was time to marry. They chose to cement their relationship. They knew it would never be easy, they knew that this was simply a step on the path they needed to take.

Together they decided that he would join the military.
More time went by and they added another child.
One day, they got the call they dreaded, but knew would come. He would be mobilized. They would be separated for a very long time and only could hope that their relationship was strong enough to withstand the time apart. When he had been gone for a certain amount of time, he was able to come home to visit. This happened to fall during the time that they would celebrate the sixth anniversary of marriage, and the ninth year since they had met.

All of this time had passed and he still kept the ring, the token of their love, in a box. The hurt had run so deep that even the many years that have passed have not fully healed it. He decided that it was finally time to give the ring back to her. She felt that it symbolized all that they have been through, and all that they will be through. And she can't wait for the rest of their lives to begin.

Is Waiting REALLY the Hardest Part?

There comes a point during deployment where you just become nonchalant about it all. I mean its like you forget what it felt like to have him home, to have him to talk to whenever you want. You think about it, and its like your childhood, a long distant old memory. And you think, it has to be even harder for him, because you at least have the house you resided in as a couple, the bed you shared, the children you created together. There are more things and places that spark those little memories.

Then the kids remind you. They start asking about Daddy. They pick up the mobile phone, which has a picture of him as wallpaper, and talk to him even though he isn't on the line. They say "Remember when Daddy..." and you do. Together these little people keep you grounded in the place that you and he had once occupied as a couple. These little parts of your relationship keep you from drifting so far into your single life. (Not the fun swinging single life, no its nothing like that- its harder, its lonelier, but you are still living that way- singly.)

You know he will eventually come home, and everything that you have become used to will flap away in the wind. You will have to find that place where you existed together. But at the same time, neither of you will be the same. You will have to learn to coexist again. And this time, with so much distance between you- it might not work. There may be things that have come between you, changes that are irreconcilable. You can hope it won't happen. But deep down you know its a possibility.

But you still trudge onward. Waiting out the longest year. Waiting out and knowing that although this part is hard- what lies ahead is even harder. But quite honestly? What else could you do?