dreams

Why do dreams leave you feeling off? Why do you wake up from a funky dream and just feel ... Emotions? 

Last night in my dream he took the kids. I'm my dream they were still young, but he took them away from me and I was left alone. My entire identity gone. He would've even let me visit them. I woke up just feeling sad. 

who am i

Who am I if I'm not a military spouse? 

Who am I beyond "Mom"? 

What do I want out of life? 

I have spent my entire life trying to figure out who I am. Growing up Mormon, I was taught that my thoughts and feelings weren't really that important. It was more important to follow the covenant path, to marry in the Temple and make lots of Mormon babies. 

I did the "lots of babies" part, but I couldn't raise them in purity culture. I couldn't allow them to view their worth by the way they served the men and by the way they looked. 

I didn't want them to be submissive. 

Yet, I was a tradwife. I did the tradwife stuff, before it was a term used by influencers. I stayed home and took care of the kids, while he advanced in his career. I stayed home and made sure they made it to doctor appointments, school events, and anything else. While he got bored and moved on to other things. We picked up and moved, over and over. I packed up houses while he started new jobs. I kept kids safe and tried to make each space a home. While he worked and worked and worked. 

And he wasn't happy. He didn't want to be in the home I tried to create. I regulated moods. I tried to quiet kids so he could have a calm home when he got home from his long, stressful day of work. But no one regulated me. The emotional burden became so heavy, I so l stopped really trying to regulate him. And he stopped giving me anything. I didn't have anything left, my bucket was empty. He never asked what I needed, or picked up slack unless I was desperately ill.

Our family broke. Just 5 people living in the same house. No real connection. I didn't know what to do. We started marriage counseling, to attempt to find some common ground. At least, that's what I was there for. 

He wanted control. He needed to control the narrative, to say "see I did the work" but really he didn't do anything. He still didn't see me. He did seem to see the kids a little more, but slowly he stopped even hugging me. First it was a one armed hug, then, he was just avoid touching me at all. 

My body and mind ache to be seen, to be heard, to be held.  

Finally he said what he really wanted- separation. He had never really wanted to try and reconnect, it seemed that he just wanted to say he had it forth effort. 

I feel broken. 

My entire identity was wrapped up in him. My entire worth came from him and our kids. 

I was submissive. 

I had turned into the things I never wanted my girls to be. 

And now, I wonder, who am I? 

Years have gone by, our life is totally different than it was the last time I posted. 

We moved to the East Coast in 2021, first to Florida then Maryland a year later. The kids seemed to be thriving. But the last year? It's been impossibly hard. 

I need to write about it, I need to process all of it. And I honestly didn't even know where to begin. 

personal narrative

How do you write a personal narrative? How do you write your story? 

I suppose I should start at the beginning, or at least the beginning of this part of my life. 

I once was a stay at home mom. I managed my household, no I was never amazing at it, but I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I thought I had a partner who wanted similar things to me. It turned out that I was wrong. During the course of our marriage, we grew apart, it is probably both of our faults, but I'm writing this from my side, so I am a bit biased. 

As I was saying once I was a stay at home mom to 4 daughters. The oldest one needed to leave us after she graduated from high school. It was important to her to be in her own. We still supported her in any way we could. 

After a time, and 2 Maggie familial losses (my brother and my dad), there was a job offer, that involved our family moving from Arizona to Florida. I looked at it like an amazing opportunity for our family. I thought it would bring us closer together, and it was an adventure. I used to love adventure. 

At some point during this all, he stopped saying "I love you" when I said it. At first he would mumble something, "luhyoutoo" and that became this slurred, incoherent word. I chose to ignore it. I continued living. 

We were in Florida for a year and 1 month, then we moved to Maryland. But of these moves involved him moving to the place before us, whole I stayed behind with the kids and packed. I hate packing. It's stressful. 

We finally got ourselves to Maryland, drenched every ounce of our beings in old bay and the Maryland flag. Our kids started yet another school, and we met really awesome neighbors. 

During all of this, I kept thinking "he's distant because moving is stressful" or just making up excuses for why he treated me like an employee and not a life partner. 

Around a year ago, we started a hard conversation. Mostly via email. We started marriage counseling, which felt hard, but opened my eyes to how much I had been neglecting myself. I was constantly balancing his emotions as well as the kids' emotions, while completely ignoring every feeling I had. I was starting to imagine a way out. But had no idea what I would need to do. 

Marriage counseling had really just broken open all of the cracks that I had hot glued together, knowing it was easily removed, but feeling like I needed to keep it all together. He made the choice, finally, for us to separate, I made the choice to put myself first, and accept that it was the best course of action, because neither of us were happy. But mostly because he said, at the beginning of the sessions, he wasn't really interested in reconciliation. He refused to even really talk about us, he spent our sessions discussing how to co-parent. After 25 years of parenthood, he finally wanted to help, and was willing to be a better dad. 

He just isn't willing or able tov open himself up to me. And now I'm sitting in the bedroom we once shared- I've painted it, rearranged furniture and got myself a cat. Because I'm stuck here for the foreseeable future I am trying to make this house feel like MY home. 

There is so much more, but that is the short story. 

Chicago Style Deep Dish Pizza

Makes 2 Chicago style deep dish pizzas

(Adapted from a recipe by king arthur for pan pizza)

3 1/2 cups (546g) King Arthur Gluten-Free All-Purpose Flour

4 tablespoons (28g) nonfat dry milk

1 teaspoon baking powder

2 teaspoon (12g) salt

2 teaspoon xanthan gum

4 teaspoons sugar

1/4 cup corn meal

2 cup lukewarm water

4 tablespoons (50g) olive oil 

2.5 teaspoons yeast

Butter for the pans

Sauce

Toppings- mozzarella, provolone, italian sausage, pepperoni, bell pepper, onion, etc. If using mushrooms saute first because they create too much moisture in the pizza. 

-Place all dry ingredients except the yeast into stand mixer and mix

-into the warm water put the yeast and a small amount of the dry mixture stir

-Allow this to get nice and bubbly (10 minutes or so)

- Add yeast mix to dry ingredients and stir for 4 minutes

-Set aside to rise for an at least hour in the fridge

-when ready to start making the sauce get the dough out of the fridge and place it into the deep dish pan that has butter to keep the dough from sticking (better flavor!) Press down and  up the sides. You can try rolling it out but it doesn't really work. (I use an 8 inch round cake pan I think) 

-put cheese and whatever toppings you want in the crust. I usually put it back into the fridge at this point. 

-make the sauce (other recipe this takes 30ish minutes or more) 

-heat the oven to 425*

-When the sauce is done ladle the amount you want onto your pizza

-bake for 20 minutes then turn and bake at least 10 more. 

Enjoy! 

Pizza Sauce

1/2 green pepper

1/2 onion

Either grate, core dice or (like me through them in the food processor) 

Saute in olive oil for 15 minutes. Into soft and slightly caramelized. 

Add a couple of chopped garlic cloves

2 tsp of italian seasoning (or a combination, I use fresh oregano because I have a bush of it in my yard!) 

Add one 28 ounce can of crushed tomatoes (or 1 can of tomato sauce and 1 diced tomatoes also pulsed in the food processor, because you forgot to buy crushed at the store)  

Simmer on low, stir occasionally until thick and fragrant. 

You are kind of caramelizing the tomatoes. It takes about 30 minutes or so, but.... So worth it. 

For a quick sauce for other pizza I just put tomato sauce and the seasonings into a pan and bring to a simmer for about 5 minutes, to cook out the "raw can" flavor. 

18 years

Dear Rhayn,

Today you turned 18 years old. Today you became an adult. How did this happen so fast? I am sitting here trying to figure out where time went and I'm just stunned.

This birthday is hitting me so hard. I mean, you've been so responsible lately and have always been such an old soul, that I know you'll rock this adult thing, but I'm still not ready.

I miss my little girl, my Rhayny-day. I miss your stories and silly songs.

This year you've been attending college during your senior year, taking advantage of the school districts new early college program. It's been prefect for you, because you're much more mature than the average senior. I think in many ways, you are more mature than I am even now. 

I really can't wait to see where you go in life. I know you are already making better choices than I ever did.

Keep it up, kiddo, you have the world stretched out in front of you.

Love,
Mom

7 weeks out

7 weeks out from my surgery. I still spend most of my days sitting in my la-z-boy recliner. It sucks.
I am  having my second period and it increases my pain so much. Cramps and a spinal fusion are not a good combination! I want to curl into a ball and cry. But I can't. I can't even take anything for it at the moment because I have to pick Gwen up from school later.
I should be walking more than I am, I wish I could. But it keeps being cold and I just want to sit in my chair under blankets.
Our bed causes me pain. I wake up hurting if I sleep in bed, but if I sleep on the couch I wake up in no pain. I hate it. I'm trying to remove my mattress topper tonight to see if that helps. I really hope it does because I don't like being in pain (who does, that's a stupid thing to write.)

My brain feels like mush most days. I sit here wishing for someone to talk to, but I have nothing to say. I have time to write, but words aren't flowing. I gave way too much time to think and no energy to do anything that would be helpful. I can do a load of laundry but then I'm done. Today I made bread and cleaned a toilet, because I'm already in pain I figured it wouldn't hurt me more.

Everything is out of hand in the house. Messes and dirt and clutter.

The tv is always on. But I don't really watch it. I'm watching Charmed, just because I need something on and I don't really have to watch it every second. I stare at the messes and wish I could clean.

I should be starting physical therapy soon. I hope. It'll at least give me something I can do. I'll try and stretch my legs, my muscles are so tight and everything is uncomfortable.

I can not say this is worth it yet. In fact, so far it's been the  opposite. This has to be the hardest thing physically I've ever done.

Repeater

My sweet Bee will be repeating kindergarten. I know it's best for her, but there are things that make me sad about it.
1. I could have kept her home with me for another year.
2. Her friends will move on.
3. She's going to be heart broken.

I know she'll get over it.

Post-surgery

I'm 4 days post surgery. These last few days have been awful. The first day was the worst! I found out I can not handle diluadid. It makes me puke and Percocet makes me so dizzy I couldn't even sit up to eat.
My surgeon said that the vertebra was very wiggly and I should have a lot of relief after it all heals.
This part though? It is miserable.