Buzzing

Yesterday I went to the bathroom and when I stood up I realized I felt a buzzing/humming sensation in my pubic bone. I also realized I've felt it before recently. The feeling is like when you have your phone on vibrate in your pocket, and it goes off while you are walking around. Not like the feeling of holding it against your leg. It's not as intense. I've been feeling this all down my right leg, or it feels lot water is pouring down my leg, or it feels hot or cold, but not to the touch, just to me.

It worries me. Because it's a new, not uncommon, symptom of spondylolisthesis, and it is much more worrisome than many. Losing sensation in the saddle area is the beginning of a condition called cauda equina syndrome. I could end up permanently losing bladder and bowl control and having a permanent loss of sensation in that whole area. That scares me. I'm only 40, I don't want to get to that point.

So Monday morning, I'm going to call the surgeon and schedule an appointment to discuss have a spinal fusion (to schedule the surgery). I had planned to wait until Abi started 1st grade (next year) but I don't think that's in my best interest anymore. I'm just going to have to accept that this is going to happen. And hope that it will be for the best.

But

I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the surgery.
I'm scared of the pain killers.
I'm scared it will not make it better.
I'm just scared.