Mourning

It's been a rough few months. My heart is breaking and I'm just not even sure how I should be feeling.

First, moving to Tucson, and all of the things that go along with that. Mourning the loss of my La Leche League group here, and my friends.
Then dealing with things my teenager has been doing. And worrying about her safety all of the time.
Single parenting through the week, while trying to maintain normalcy for my kids.
Rhayn is having some hearing problems, and we are having her tested to see if there is any way to fix it.
We found out Abi is quite allergic to cats, and I love cats. She may have asthma, too.

The incident with our dog, Seamus, and the neighbor's dogs, that required an emergency vet visit and $1000 in bills.
Watching our sweet old Lily slowly decline, as her hips get worse and worse.
Our old buck, Alf, also deteriorating because of a leg that no longer supports his weight. Knowing that the right choice is to put him down before he can't walk. But it hurts me so much, just knowing that I won't see his handsome horns anymore. I've spent a lot of time lately, in the mornings, talking to him and feeding him by hand. We've only had him about a year, but he'd had a hard life. He's such a sweet old man.

Then there is all of the stuff going on with my dad. I can't even write about it, it is not my place, but let's just say that watching your parent slowly lose themselves is really hard. I feel like I can't spend enough time with him because I'm afraid he's not going to be there next time. I keep having these fearful moments when I see my mom's number on my phone when I'm afraid she's going to say that things are bad come home. Though honestly he is just mentally having problems. I love my dad, he has always been so active and full of life. And really I think my fears about losing him have a lot to do with losing my grandma a few years ago. (Though her passing was not surprising.)

We close on our new house this next week, which then means we can move soon. I know it's going to be really hard for Rhayn. It's hard for me, I love our life here. But I'm so tired of living apart during the week. I want, so badly, for our life to become normal again.

I feel like I'm in mourning about everything right now. But I'm not allowing myself to mourn. I need to keep a brave face, to not let the girls see how much this move and our life these days is affecting me. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive. But instead I find myself hiding in my room starting at the TV, binge watching project runway. Unable to watch other shows because I can't handle the feelings. I can't deal with any one else's drama, even made up for tv drama.

It'll get better right? I'm not always going to feel this under lying sadness, right?

This. Too. Shall. Pass.