20130930

Failure/Depression

There are days when I feel like I am doing a great job at being a mom and keeping house. Then there are weeks like the last few where I feel like I am failing at everything.

I'm doing a horrible job keeping house, no worries I can get over that. My kids are fed but I don't feel like I am doing a good job taking care of them. And then this last week Gwen's been so sick I have been at home with her trying to take care of her and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die or maybe just hibernate.

Yesterday was Gwen's birthday. We went to Tucson to the zoo and had what should have been a good time. I faked happy all day, well not very well. I am even failing at faking happy. I feel emotionless. Although I haven't cried much, I feel like I have been bawling non stop. Probably from holding all of the tears in. Why do I do that? Why can't I just let them out and cry. Perhaps I would feel better if I could. Instead of feeling like an emotionless zombie.

Food doesn't taste good, consequently I'm not eating much. What I do eat is pure crap. We had Pei Wei yesterday. Normally I love that, but I had to force myself to eat.

And I know I am being a terrible wife, and failing at that. I'm just failing all over. I should walk around with a giant letter F on my chest, for failure.

I look at my beautiful baby and instead of happy mama joy I feel overwhelmed by her. Natalie needs so much, Gwen needs so much, Rhayn is getting ignored, and Abby NEEDS me. And I need to be here for them. I need to BE. To be able to take care of them without the fog. I need more sleep or something. I need to laugh but that is hard when nothing seems funny. I need I need I need.

A haircut would be nice, a trip to the grocery store is important but I need to wait until Will gets home so I don't have to take Natalie because I just can't do it right now. 

Abby is crying again and I need to hold her. She was so easy a few weeks ago and now she cries a lot. And she was sleeping 5 hours in a row at night and that stopped, too. It is a whirlwind of crap surrounding me. And  I can't see out of it.

4 comments:

Elise said...

I love you very much. Have you ever went in for help? I am all about the natural way to get healthy but maybe it is time to go through a doctor or a psychiatrist to find if you can get what you need. Please don't be mad at me for saying it.

Amie said...

I agree with Elise...I always think it's a good idea to try something new...when solutions in the past are not working for you now. Take care, friend.

April said...

We are the same. Being a mother is horrible. I don't know why anyone does it. I am going to tell my daughter all the truths no one ever told me before I made the choice. Sure, there are good days, there is joy, but mostly it's crap. And I can't fake it either. I try. It's so hard, and draaaaaiinnnnnning.

Mo said...

I am so sorry. :( You know like Elise and Amy said I wish you would reach out for help Leaner, there is help out there and it is not a weakness at all to need it. It makes me so sad that you struggle with this and I do get it because I have been there too. Lots of love and hope you are feeling better now. xx

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