Post Partum Ramblings.

Abby is 2 days old. I am, as expected feeling overwhelming sadness. She is nursing right now and I am trying to feel alright. Physically I am doing really well. Pushing a tiny 6 pound baby who was positioned nicely inside is easier on a person than a nearly 9 pound baby who was attempting to present sideways.

I feel tears welling up but can't seem to let them out. I did cry for a little while last night but not enough, not nearly enough.

I am sad about Abby's birth. No I'm not sad to be holding her and I'm not disappointed about her at all, but being induced and not having a natural birth made me sad. I feel like I failed her. My body wasn't being as nice to her as it was to her sisters, allowing them to bake until they were fully ready.

She looks pretty much how I expected her to look (mostly like Gwen, and Gwen was super cute after she put on some fat). But Abby is so very tiny. I can't tell if her eyes will be blue or brown. We originally planned to call her Hannah or Abby based on her eyes (Abigail for brown eyes, Hannah if they were blue, just as a way to pick one because both names were really nice and had been on the list for Gwen and Natalie). I assume her eyes will turn blue, but we'll see. She has no eyelashes at all, and her little bit of hair is light brown.

I know that all of the feelings I have going through me are because of hormones. And I know I need to kick myself in the butt and STOP cleaning. I missed out on nesting. I missed out on the uncontrollable NEED to clean and organize. Instead my body was forced to go into labor. Though there was an uncontrollable need Monday night for me to wash her clothes and pack a hospital bag (I'd put it off until then).

Me, 2 days post partum. 150 pounds. I was pumped up with so much fluid at the hospital that I am still puffy from it.

I am sitting in my bed. Pillows propping my laptop up and Abby sleeping high up on my chest so I can lean in and kiss her when I want to. I can't nap, because Natalie won't take a nap. I thought she would so I sent my mom off with the other two girls to go see a movie. I want to sleep. I want to shower again, I want to cry. I've changed Natalie's poopy diaper 2 times, Abby pooped once (and she cries like I am hurting her when I change her! Plus meconium is hard to wipe off).

I love that I can pee without pain. I am so glad to not be in as much pain as I was after Natalie. But because of that... I'm not taking it as easy as I should be. I need to slow down. Forcing myself to lay here in my bed and watch television (or Netflix) is really hard to do. I really have to force myself to stay here.