Not Birth Trauma, maybe birth disappointment?

It has been almost a year since Tally was born and I still feel unhappy about my birth with her. I can't even really explain it except to say that it was nothing like I thought it would be, and I didn't come away from it feeling awesome like I did after Gwen's birth.

My entire pregnancy with her was "wrong" in my head.

And I know I had a beautiful healthy baby so what is the big deal? Well it is to me, it is a big deal.

Now there were parts about it that were perfect. And I love my little girl so very much, eventually it won't matter (I hope). I just feel disappointed... still. I wanted something with her birth that I didn't get. Maybe I just wanted to feel that amazing sense of POWER I felt after Gwen's birth. Maybe I should have let a couple of things happen more naturally- like not asking the midwife to "rough up my cervix" and break my water so she would be born. Maybe I should have been more vocal about my wants/needs during the birth. Maybe I should have rented a birth tub (which I couldn't do because we had no money at the time.) Maybe I should have just had her in the hospital.

But in my mind I couldn't do that... because Gwennie's birth was so magical.

I don't blame anyone for how I feel about Tally's birth and nothing was "bad" about it. And I have no idea why I feel like it was such a let down.

It makes me want to do it again, rewind it all, go over the pregnancy moment by moment and see what it was that just didn't sit right, even now, a year later.

And maybe then I can "get over it".