This is NOT a criticism of my friends. I just need to say that now. Also this is random and not so nice and well... you can read it but be warned. I am a mess. (Blame it on the weather and a cold, okay?)
I recently had a chat with two women that I consider really good friends. These two have kids the same age as Rhayn and their kids were in Rhayn's class for a few years. These two have moved their kids on and when we talk about schooling they often point out the problems they have with Mr. T. I get it, he isn't a perfect teacher. But they never have a positive word to say about him and I am always left wondering if they think down on me for having kept Rhayn in his class.
They point fingers and talk about all the bad things he has done. I get it. I do. I can't say he would be my #1 choice for teacher. But he is her teacher, and I know he cares for those kids. He is doing a decent job. I am tired of the bad mouthing. I can not take it.
These same friends talk up the awesomeness of their kids all. of. the. time. I get it, their kids are the best at... Am I a bad mom for not looking at my children and saying "Dang, my child is the best at... and I have to tell everyone about it." I can not center my life around my oldest child, my middle child, my baby, I can barely keep my head above water most of the time. I feel like I am drowning and like I have been for years.
Am I a bad parent? Are my kids way more awesome than I see? Or am I realistic? Am I messed up in this way of thinking?
I am trying to be the best mom I can be, and I know that whatever I do, my kids will blame me at some point for messing up their lives (probably around age 16?) And I know that they are intelligent kids who will make some good choices and some bad choices. I know I can't be there for them 100% of the time and they will have to fend for themselves at some point. I can only hope I have given them the tools to be the best person they can.
I really need something positive in my life. This heat is killing my spirit and drive. This cold I have is zapping every ounce of coping I have and I am left feeling like a shell of myself. These conversations take it out of me and I am left empty.
It should be 103 this time of year, instead its day 10 or so of 110. I need to be outside but even at 7am its in the 90s. I can not take much more and retain any amount of sanity. I hate being in my house I want fall, I want to wear pants without feeling like death. I hate this. I. Hate. This.
(Ok vent over.)