This is NOT a criticism of my friends. I just need to say that now. Also this is random and not so nice and well... you can read it but be warned. I am a mess. (Blame it on the weather and a cold, okay?)

I recently had a chat with two women that I consider really good friends. These two have kids the same age as Rhayn and their kids were in Rhayn's class for a few years. These two have moved their kids on and when we talk about schooling they often point out the problems they have with Mr. T. I get it, he isn't a perfect teacher. But they never have a positive word to say about him and I am always left wondering if they think down on me for having kept Rhayn in his class.

They point fingers and talk about all the bad things he has done. I get it. I do. I can't say he would be my #1 choice for teacher. But he is her teacher, and I know he cares for those kids. He is doing a decent job. I am tired of the bad mouthing. I can not take it.

These same friends talk up the awesomeness of their kids all. of. the. time. I get it, their kids are the best at... Am I a bad mom for not looking at my children and saying "Dang, my child is the best at... and I have to tell everyone about it." I can not center my life around my oldest child, my middle child, my baby, I can barely keep my head above water most of the time. I feel like I am drowning and like I have been for years.

Am I a bad parent? Are my kids way more awesome than I see? Or am I realistic? Am I messed up in this way of thinking?

I am trying to be the best mom I can be, and I know that whatever I do, my kids will blame me at some point for messing up their lives (probably around age 16?) And I know that they are intelligent kids who will make some good choices and some bad choices. I know I can't be there for them 100% of the time and they will have to fend for themselves at some point. I can only hope I have given them the tools to be the best person they can.

I really need something positive in my life. This heat is killing my spirit and drive. This cold I have is zapping every ounce of coping I have and I am left feeling like a shell of myself. These conversations take it out of me and I am left empty.

It should be 103 this time of year, instead its day 10 or so of 110. I need to be outside but even at 7am its in the 90s. I can not take much more and retain any amount of sanity. I hate being in my house I want fall, I want to wear pants without feeling like death. I hate this. I. Hate. This.

(Ok vent over.)


tif-do said...

I think YOU do great, at finding your kids qualities. I also feel people that constantly are telling people and thier kids how awesome they are, are doing them a huge diservice. When you think you are wonderful and suddenly the real world tells you you aren't it can be heartbreaking. Kids need to know that even when they are good at something, they still need to work at it, and that there is always room for improvement. Don't know if that made sense.
About the teacher thing, I think kids need to learn to deal with all kinds of teachers and personalities. Sometimes in life you don't get to choose who you work with, or who your boss is, or even who your related too. It's a good life lesson to learn to handle what your given instead of thinking there is a quick fix for everything.

Elise said...

i am about to vent soon before i lose it. when i do this, you will feel on top of the world and realize how normal and great your life is....

Mo said...

So with you on the weather! I can't take much more and feel lucky that I will escape it for a few days next week. Wish I could take you with me! x

Bodaat said...

Although I am not a mother, I have been around those mothers who unfortunately tend to brag over the top about their lives and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Don't worry Leaner, I am sure that it is quite alright for you to vent about this. I know I would.


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