Just writing this is stressful

What a week... seriously I feel like there are a million things I should be doing, but instead, I will blog, because that is how I roll y'all. As usual laundry looms in baskets, washed and dried but not put away. I remember thinking "I'll do it when I get home from Gwennie's soccer practice". That was Tuesday evening.

Wednesday was supposed to be such a lovely day and Gwennie and I needed to buy some things for her upcoming birthday party, so we went out. We stayed out all day. At pick up we got Rhayn, and took her to ballet. Then we came home, I made dinner and went to bed. I was grumpy and stressed out. I felt awful because Will was in a great mood and really excited about something he had finished that day and I was a ball of stress yelling at the girls.

Thursday is handwork day at school. I love it as we make things and sit around talking. Great fun normally. I went out with a friend before to Starbucks (I had a Passion tea, its herbal and delicious.) As we were getting ready to leave I used the restroom, and when I wiped it was pink. In a daze I walked out, said goodbye to my friend and called my midwife. She didn't answer, so I drove to the school and my phone rang as soon as I parked. I told her what was going on. No cramps, just some spotting, really light. She offered for me to come and hear the heartbeat or we could schedule an ultrasound. I opted for the latter. We hung up so she could call around and see if she could get me in that day at the ultrasound school. When she called me back she said that they could fit me in at 5:30 that evening. OK, no problem. Will's home, he can take Rhayn to soccer practice. No need to worry. I just needed to relax a little.

We came home around 1pm and I lay on the couch. Will comes in and I tell him what is going on. Only then he tells me that he has a meeting that night at 4 and can't take Rhayn to soccer. Its ok, I had a friend offer to take Rhayn if I needed her to. I called her, she said it was fine. But I still felt badly for having to do that. I hate relying on others. I want to be able to do it all.

At about 4pm, we started to leave the house. Gwennie didn't look so good. She said she felt like she would puke. (I knew the feeling as I had just done so myself.) We grabbed a cup, and I figured she would probably fall asleep in the car. I know, I felt like a terrible person because I was dragging my sick child along with me.

We got to my friend's house. Gwennie immediately said she was going to puke, and did as soon as she was in the bathroom. L offered to keep both girls. (Originally she was just taking Rhayn). I asked Gwennie if that was ok, because sometimes when she is sick she wants to stay with me. She was feeling better after puking and said she would like to stay.

I left, feeling ambivalent about leaving her. I felt like the worst mom, ever, because she was sick. But I knew she would be better there than if she'd had to be dragged along with me to sit in a waiting room. Plus it was a little of a relief to not have to entertain her while I was waiting and stressing myself out.

At the Ultrasound school I sat in the lobby waiting. I was a half an hour early but I knew I was being squeezed in and I needed to be early just in case. I ended up sitting there until 5:40 (with 32 ounces of water in my bladder.)

Finally I was called back, and the ultrasound tech was so much nicer this time. (She knew the situation.) I was freezing because the lobby is so cold, and she apologized for the gel being cold, since they don't have the nice gel warmer that some places have. She squirted the cold gel on my abdomen and the wand, and turned on the picture. There was a baby. For a second I stared trying to make out the heart beating. I couldn't see it, so I asked her if it was beating. She said yes, and my eyes filled with tears. Then she turned the sound on and we listened to that lovely sound.
"About 150 beats per minute, strong and healthy," she said.
"Good" I replied, feeling an easing in my entire body. My baby was still alive and kicking in there.
We looked at the head while she took measurements, and she asked if I wanted to know if it was a boy or girl, if she could tell.
"No," it took everything in me to say that word.
"Ok, I'm going to turn the screen for a moment just in case the gender is obvious."
"Sure thing."
She did her thing, then turned it back so I could see again. The baby wasn't moving a lot, but he/she did raise his/her little fist to his/her face and start to suck his/her thumb. The other hand was above the head. I don't remember seeing the baby's feet at all, but that would be what she was measuring when she turned the screen.
Baby is perfect, measuring at 14 weeks 6 days, just a tiny bit ahead of schedule. Just perfect.

I was sent home with five or so profile shots including the one with the fist by his/her face. I have never felt such relief before.

I picked up the girls who were both having a great time, and we went home. I made them pb&j for dinner and went to bed at a little after 7. I was just so tired I couldn't stay up. What a long day.