Gratitude Monday

Another week has come and gone. This last one was a miserable one. I am still dealing with the lingering effects of last week's cold. It settled into my nasal sinuses and sits there keeping me from being able to smell or taste things. I keep eating bland food, and even when standing next to fresh dog poop I can barely smell it. I have to admit that this wears on me, because I love food and not being able to taste it has taken most of the joy of eating away from me.

Yesterday was one of my worst days, ever. I felt lost. There was no pleasure in anything. It started when I woke up to my period, just another reminder that I am not pregnant. This starts the 6th month trying, and now Rhayn will be officially 10 years old before any baby would be born. This also puts me at the point of not knowing if Will is going to be home during the critical time of this month, so this month may be a total wash anyway.

Friday night I went out with my cousin and her friend. Normally I LOVE hanging out with them. They are hilarious and have a million inside jokes that they gladly share (fishy activities anyone?) But I was in a very. bad. place. It was a struggle to not freak out. I felt panicked and anxious. I had delusions that Will had been in a car accident and although he would most likely be fine, he was in the hospital and I was going to go home to a dog covered in poop because she'd been locked in her crate for 2 days. Or my mom was going to call me at any moment because one of the girls was hurt badly. I just kept pushing those crazy thoughts down deeper. I caffeinated myself at dinner and started to feel somewhat better. We went to see The Karate Kid, it was a good movie. I didn't go to sleep until late, but that was fine.

The next day I felt like the walking dead even though I had had 6 full hours of sleep. I think it was depression. I went to visit my SIL and see my sweet, chubby nephew. It hurts me inside when I hold other people's babies. But also it heals at the same time. So what if I don't have my own, I can try to enjoy my nieces and nephews and cousins' sweet babes.

Sunday I slept most of the day, I stayed in the cleanest room in our house (I had cleaned my bedroom earlier in the week, thank goodness) which helped with the anxiety that I kept feeling. It was like, no matter what I was doing, or where I was, it wasn't right. I needed to be somewhere else, and sleep was the only escape from that.

But I digress. This is a supposed to be a gratitude post and there is nothing grateful about anything I have said so far. Having spent most of yesterday processing what was going on in my head and trying to decipher what it was that was really bothering me has left me with a huge amount of thoughts.

  • Today I am thankful that yesterday is over, that the horrible feeling of fear and panic is gone.
  • I am thankful for Hairball, she is such a great friend and cousin.
  • I am thankful for a husband who didn't push me yesterday, he let me be, even though I was freaking him out (I was freaking myself out, too).
  • I am thankful for sunflowers growing in my garden that the birds are loving. Its so pleasant to sit and watch the finches eating the seeds and playing among the leaves. This is soothing to me. Yesterday I watched the birds for a long time while trying to calm myself so we could go to the grocery store.
  • I am thankful that today I can look up, and I see a bright, new day, that has only just begun.


Amie said...

I gently urge you to talk to a doc. I think you are clinically depressed, friend. Therapies or medicines can help. :) *hugs* and best wishes.

hairball said...

i wondered why you were so quiet. I thought it was just your tummy or you were enjoying the "silence", so I let you be. You should have said something silly.

BrieP said...

I wish I knew something to make you feel better. But I know hanging out for me is not at all what you need. Maybe a costco cake and italian creme soda... Yummm... or would that just make me happy?

leaner said...

Hairball, nothing would have changed had I talked about it. I was in a funk, and the tummy crap and period threatening to start were only making it worse.

bodaat said...

(big hug) I would consider getting help as well. That's my gentle suggestion. I hope you don't take it the wrong way. Just worried about you. Even if it's a naturopathic doctor.

again... (big hug)

Amanda said...

The worst of this cycle is over now. Time to start thinking about the next few. When I got pregnant with Cyrus Matt wasn't even in the same town when I O'd. I thought for sure we missed it by a week each way... When the time is right, it will happen. It just horribly sucks to not know when that time will be and have your heart dashed each month.

If there is anything I can do... I will, let me know.

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