Last night I went to a bachelorette party. Lets just say the theme was toys, and lets just say it was a lot of fun, mixed with a little bit of "too much information." I did something really bad, but considering I think about it all of the time (or at least when we go to the mall, and you see those folks hanging out in the front having a camel) and last night it was too much.
I had a cigarette.
I quit smoking seven years ago, after I found out I was pregnant with my first. I stayed a nonsmoker through the miscarriage and a boyfriend who smoked. I hung out with smokers all of the time. I was strong. I was she-woman ROAR! Every few years I will hang out with someone and have a drag or two of the sweet, disgusting, bad-habit forming smokey goodness. I know I was a serious addict since here we are seven years (plus) into being an official non-smoker, and I still think about cigarettes with fondness.
I feel like Chandler on Friends. He finds himself having little trysts with his first love, a cigarette. I wish it weren't true. I wish I could take that desire away completely and never desire a smokey treat again. Its not funny, like it was on Friends, but to me that longing is the reason that Chandler's cigarette love was so hilarious.
I would never start up again. I will never buy a pack, that would only lead to buying a second pack, and a third. I would not want to have that hidden from my children, and I would never be able to smoke in front of them. How do you tell someone to NOT smoke, as you take a drag? I will just go back to inhaling second hand smoke every now and then, and having to remind myself why I quit by looking into the eyes, the trusting, loving eyes, of my children.