Last night I went to a bachelorette party. Lets just say the theme was toys, and lets just say it was a lot of fun, mixed with a little bit of "too much information." I did something really bad, but considering I think about it all of the time (or at least when we go to the mall, and you see those folks hanging out in the front having a camel) and last night it was too much.
I had a cigarette.
I quit smoking seven years ago, after I found out I was pregnant with my first. I stayed a nonsmoker through the miscarriage and a boyfriend who smoked. I hung out with smokers all of the time. I was strong. I was she-woman ROAR! Every few years I will hang out with someone and have a drag or two of the sweet, disgusting, bad-habit forming smokey goodness. I know I was a serious addict since here we are seven years (plus) into being an official non-smoker, and I still think about cigarettes with fondness.
I feel like Chandler on Friends. He finds himself having little trysts with his first love, a cigarette. I wish it weren't true. I wish I could take that desire away completely and never desire a smokey treat again. Its not funny, like it was on Friends, but to me that longing is the reason that Chandler's cigarette love was so hilarious.
I would never start up again. I will never buy a pack, that would only lead to buying a second pack, and a third. I would not want to have that hidden from my children, and I would never be able to smoke in front of them. How do you tell someone to NOT smoke, as you take a drag? I will just go back to inhaling second hand smoke every now and then, and having to remind myself why I quit by looking into the eyes, the trusting, loving eyes, of my children.
1 comment:
Amen, Sista!
I smoked professionally (meaning a pack and a half a day) for 4 years.
I quit before becoming pregnant with my daughter 9 years ago.
I started smoking again when she turned 2, when I was the only one hom e with my dying father-in-law. He was a smoker, and I was trying to call everyone home because I felt like this was *it* for him, and it was. I started smoking his Marlboro ultra lights that day. I continued here and there, when I was stressed. Heinrich Boll in his book: A Group Portrait with a Lady talks about the lead female character allowing herself 8 cigarettes a day. I read that long ago, but somehow liked it.
At any rate, I smoked a cigarette here and there for about a year and a half. And then *quit* everything again about 2 years ago. Now I will allow myself a cig or two when I'm out for a beer with friends (which isn't often).
It's a terrible habit,and like most bad habits, one I wish I didn't love. I once met an old woman who, when I offered her a cigarette, said she'd quit smoking 30 years ago. I told her that was really impressive and she said: "And not a single day has gone by without my thinking of smoking one."
Damn!
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