Explosion

I feel like a balloon, filling with air about to pop. Only the air, well, its hot, as in anger. I feel like I am going to explode with anger. I am trying to keep it in, trying to tune it out, and the more I try to avoid and ignore it, the hotter it gets. I take deep breaths, I count to ten, I leave the room. But none of it makes the anger go away. Its deep inside, this balloon of anger, its hidden deep. Yet I want to slowly let it ease out. I don't want the explosion that I feel is eminent. I want to be calm.

Maybe I am about to get the old hag back? Maybe I am in need of some serious ME time? I don't know what it is, all I know is that I need it to happen, like yesterday.

All day I have felt this pressure in my abdomen, like gas, and its painful. It adds to the irritation that I am feeling towards my family. Will, he is being annoying. He is too happy (I hate saying that, but when he is in a good mood, he is like a kid in a candy shop, so obnoxious) and I want him to hold me, but instead he bounces my head when I try to snuggle him. Rhayn refuses to be calm. She wants to play and I need her to relax so I can relax. Gwennie? Well she is so busy right now, she climbs on the table, then she is chasing a kitty. Then she is hurt and needs to be held. RIGHT. NOW. And she has diaper rash, because she is also a ball of irritable gassiness, and has pooped so much today.

I have two chapters to read as I have been slacking in my class. So its more stuff I am worrying about. Tomorrow night we are supposed to go to a party for Will's OCS graduation, and that means leaving Gwennie with someone (my parents Thank you mama, I love you!) while we go. I need to leave her, really I do. But I hate to do it, and also its not going to be fun I think, because its the Army folk and well they will get drunk and talk Army talk, and I will probably have to drive a drunk-ass Will home. Yeah, fun. (Do you see the sarcasm DRIPPING from those two words?)

Deep Breaths, Deep Cleansing breaths, right? Like in Yoga? I need to relax, let my muscles relax, and be calm, I can feel all of the tension in my shoulders and how can I let it go? Oh, and did I mention the house is a mess? And that I feel creative, like ideas to sew, and haven't had the time all week? I am trying to get into a routine, but so far its been hard. I am sure it will all be ok, and maybe tomorrow I will wake up feeling like a new woman, I can hope, right?