Things

Will is gone for two weeks. He is enjoying the weather with you AlexÂ’s human. Lucky him. We are actually experiencing RECORD LOWS, I think. Yesterday it was get this- 95! In Phoenix! Holy COW! I was out for a while in the late afternoon. I had to go take my midterm for my oh so cool History of Rock and Roll class. I was also going to pick up dinner, which was to be "“Curry on a bone" as Rhayn calls it (known to the regular man as tandoori chicken, her new favorite meal.)

The restaurant we were planning on trying is called the Copper Kettle Express, its run by the same folks as the other Copper Kettle, but this one is a lot smaller (didn'’t think that was possible) and located near ASU.

I left for my test about 3:30 and was totally done by 4:25. I drove over to where the restaurant was, and it didn'’t open until 5. So I sat outside and waited. Now normally in the hot, hot Arizona July sun, this would have been a death wish. Instead it was pleasant! There was a breeze blowing the gently cooled the air. Even though the humidity was hovering around 52%, it was just nice.

There is a convenience store located a block south of the Copper Kettle Express, and I walked over to it, to get a drink, and was immediately blasted by a major flashback. It was probably 1998, and there was a bowling alley close to this area (its now a yoga studio!) that hosted punk shows. It was pretty cool, you bowled while bands rocked (or didn'’t rock.) So my boyfriend at the time'’s band, Parkway Wretch was playing there. I was, as usual being used for my parents suburban, and I knew it. I really didn'’t want to be there. I was unhappy and this girl I really disliked showed up as well. She had a thing with my boyfriend at one point, and she epitome of evil to my messed up teenaged head.

I tried to deal with my depression, the normal way for me, too much coffee and cigarettes. I walked to that same convenience store (although at the time it was a Circle K, now it's an Orange Stop.) I sat on the side and hid. I didn'’t want to talk to anyone, I didn'’t want to watch the show. I wasn'’t a good girlfriend at all. I wasn'’t the supportive, in the front row singing along and dancing just for him, type girlfriend. I was the sulking in the back, pissed at all the hot chicks who wanted my man type girlfriend. So I sat on the side of the Circle K, for about a half hour, then walked over and sat just to the right of the entrance, where I could hear people, but was hidden behind some bougainvillea.

I just wanted to be alone. I wasn'’t happy with life. I wanted to do something, be something. I just didn'’t know what, and I was sure that it was not this. I mean I had fun, hanging out with the guys and all, but I was so much more than a groupie! I don'’t really remember what else happened that night, just that, just that feeling of hopelessness that I had felt.

I sat and waited longer, three people walked by me. I looked at them, remembering my youth. I was hardly ever alone, and when I was, I wasn't afraid like I am now. I didn'’t feel dread. Was it because I didn'’t have as much to live for? I mean surely my children have given me that. I don'’t want them to lose their mama. With our valley serial killers out, it is not an unfounded fear either. Who are these people and why are they shooting innocents? It is a frightening world we live in. I am trying very hard to not let this fear run my life. I know that there is no reason for it, and if I were to die, its meant to be but it does no’t mean I would not fight for my life.

I finally got our food and headed home, glad that I had this time to think. Glad for a small respite from my kids. And most definetly glad to go home to them.