Are you ever struck by a memory? A sudden flashback to a different time and place. There may or may not be a trigger. Lately its been happening more and more. I will be driving along or cleaning or even sitting enjoying my girls, and suddenly I am 20 again. These memories of times and places and people I have forgotten flood my mind.
I forgot how weird I was. I wanted to question authority, but I have always been a bit afraid. I was shy, and introverted. I have never really made friends easily. Coffee and cigarettes really made me feel more accepted by the people I thought I wanted to be accepted by. I thought I wanted to be a punk, to have that look that lifestyle. But I could never get really into the drugs and drinking part that seemed to go along with it. I would watch these really cool people get messed up, and fight with their best friend over dumb things. I would watch my friends do things they would never do normally (such as running through a crown naked.) I watched them endanger their lives and the lives of all on the road. I can not believe how scary. I was usually "sober sister" the driver, the one who taxied them home. Its a good thing my parents had a suburban. I am sure they never thought it was being used to transport drunk punks around the desert!
Looking at myself now, I have literally no friends that I hang out with anymore (who aren't related to me! Thank goodness for cousins and sisters!)
I try to find friends, its hard. I want them to be mamas, I want them to live close enough to hang out with regularly. I want them to have similar ideals and goals as me, and I would most of all LOVE for them to have husbands who MIGHT get along with Will. Is that too much to ask? How do you make friends? How do you keep them once you make them? Where do you find friends? I really need some help with this because I remember being happy because I had people to talk to before, and now my friends are all online. I need to go out and get some coffee with a friend. To sit and talk about our kids, our beliefs, our husbands. I need more than I have.
Tonight, Will is out with his friends, and probably having a great time. He needed a night out, he needed to destress and with the girls we can't really go out together. Not that we ever have much. Sometimes I wonder exactly what he sees in me, and why he stays with me. Then I have to try to remember why I am with him. I mean there is that whole "LOVE" thing, but he is so NOT what I wanted. He doesn't believe in God, and gets more cynical as time goes by.
I think that one thing I love most about him, is that he makes me think. He makes me want to be a better me. He stokes a passion for learning that I didn't have before. I know he is upset about my choices of passions, but it is something good he has brought out in me. I only hope there is something good I have brought out in him.
ps- There are other reasons I love him, and maybe sometime I will write them all down- or at least some of them, but my boobs are being summoned and I must comply.