who am i

Who am I if I'm not a military spouse? 

Who am I beyond "Mom"? 

What do I want out of life? 

I have spent my entire life trying to figure out who I am. Growing up Mormon, I was taught that my thoughts and feelings weren't really that important. It was more important to follow the covenant path, to marry in the Temple and make lots of Mormon babies. 

I did the "lots of babies" part, but I couldn't raise them in purity culture. I couldn't allow them to view their worth by the way they served the men and by the way they looked. 

I didn't want them to be submissive. 

Yet, I was a tradwife. I did the tradwife stuff, before it was a term used by influencers. I stayed home and took care of the kids, while he advanced in his career. I stayed home and made sure they made it to doctor appointments, school events, and anything else. While he got bored and moved on to other things. We picked up and moved, over and over. I packed up houses while he started new jobs. I kept kids safe and tried to make each space a home. While he worked and worked and worked. 

And he wasn't happy. He didn't want to be in the home I tried to create. I regulated moods. I tried to quiet kids so he could have a calm home when he got home from his long, stressful day of work. But no one regulated me. The emotional burden became so heavy, I so l stopped really trying to regulate him. And he stopped giving me anything. I didn't have anything left, my bucket was empty. He never asked what I needed, or picked up slack unless I was desperately ill.

Our family broke. Just 5 people living in the same house. No real connection. I didn't know what to do. We started marriage counseling, to attempt to find some common ground. At least, that's what I was there for. 

He wanted control. He needed to control the narrative, to say "see I did the work" but really he didn't do anything. He still didn't see me. He did seem to see the kids a little more, but slowly he stopped even hugging me. First it was a one armed hug, then, he was just avoid touching me at all. 

My body and mind ache to be seen, to be heard, to be held.  

Finally he said what he really wanted- separation. He had never really wanted to try and reconnect, it seemed that he just wanted to say he had it forth effort. 

I feel broken. 

My entire identity was wrapped up in him. My entire worth came from him and our kids. 

I was submissive. 

I had turned into the things I never wanted my girls to be. 

And now, I wonder, who am I?