Nuggets of Wisdom from a 22 year old.

In my ill state I began trying to organize my garage. What was I thinking? I guess feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest makes me think "Lets get dusty! And move large objects!" But I did as much as I could today. I moved the shelves away from the wall, and will start painting soon. Its going to be nice enough out for the next few days that being in the garage will not feel like death. If I wait, it will not happen until much later, like late fall.

While I was moving things around, I found a box of journals, and drawings. Its mostly from right around when I met Will and we were dating. There was a lot of self doubt and self loathing in there. I feel bad for the 22 year old me, she wasn't a very pleasant or happy person. Its no wonder Will and I didn't get along perfectly. He probably saw my potential and I fell so short of it in every aspect. Instead of being his equal, I was a spoiled little brat. I don't understand why he dated me in the first place, and really I don't understand why he married me, either. But that is a topic for another day.

I found this little nugget of words written exactly one year before I became a mom.

march 6, 2000 i wish i could let you into my mind for a moment. so you could see how much you mean to me. i wish you could see yourself through my eyes. if i could find the words that told you what i think, how i think. what it is that makes these emotions so hard to describe through words? why can i find a word to describe sunsets, jerks on the road, the pesky gunk under my mails, but the words to tell you how i feel delude me.

Delude me? What is that? I am sure there was a different word I meant, but I wrote delude. And I either wrote in all capitals or all lower case. I now write in some mixture of the two (when I hand write something.)

a few weeks before that-
feb 19, 2000 i am so afraid to let go. i am afraid of how much pain i could be caused. i push everyone away. i know i do. i hurt those i care the most about. i try to smile, to not let my fears show. i try to enjoy each day. its hard to do this when all i see is how much i could be hurt. why can't i live in the now, be happy with what i have? things really aren't that bad in fact my life seems to be going ok for the moment (for the moment!) i am waiting for the turning point when everything goes to shit. its going to happen soon, i can feel it. nothing can stay good for long.

This was written within a month of meeting Will. I was so afraid of letting myself love him. Loving people had always caused me pain in the past. I did let go, sort of. I let myself feel love towards him, but didn't let him fully into me. I still struggle with this. The same issues that I have always had. It all comes back to two words-
Faith and Trust.
Without those, there is nothing.

1 comment:

Amie said...

I love reading my old journals. I read and shake my head and roll my eyes at how idiotic I was. (And I think the word you were looking for was 'elude' -- you were close) =)

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