While I was moving things around, I found a box of journals, and drawings. Its mostly from right around when I met Will and we were dating. There was a lot of self doubt and self loathing in there. I feel bad for the 22 year old me, she wasn't a very pleasant or happy person. Its no wonder Will and I didn't get along perfectly. He probably saw my potential and I fell so short of it in every aspect. Instead of being his equal, I was a spoiled little brat. I don't understand why he dated me in the first place, and really I don't understand why he married me, either. But that is a topic for another day.
I found this little nugget of words written exactly one year before I became a mom.
march 6, 2000 i wish i could let you into my mind for a moment. so you could see how much you mean to me. i wish you could see yourself through my eyes. if i could find the words that told you what i think, how i think. what it is that makes these emotions so hard to describe through words? why can i find a word to describe sunsets, jerks on the road, the pesky gunk under my mails, but the words to tell you how i feel delude me.
Delude me? What is that? I am sure there was a different word I meant, but I wrote delude. And I either wrote in all capitals or all lower case. I now write in some mixture of the two (when I hand write something.)
a few weeks before that-
feb 19, 2000 i am so afraid to let go. i am afraid of how much pain i could be caused. i push everyone away. i know i do. i hurt those i care the most about. i try to smile, to not let my fears show. i try to enjoy each day. its hard to do this when all i see is how much i could be hurt. why can't i live in the now, be happy with what i have? things really aren't that bad in fact my life seems to be going ok for the moment (for the moment!) i am waiting for the turning point when everything goes to shit. its going to happen soon, i can feel it. nothing can stay good for long.
This was written within a month of meeting Will. I was so afraid of letting myself love him. Loving people had always caused me pain in the past. I did let go, sort of. I let myself feel love towards him, but didn't let him fully into me. I still struggle with this. The same issues that I have always had. It all comes back to two words-
Faith and Trust.
Without those, there is nothing.