R.G.N

The Cats

2012-02-02T16:45:00.004-07:00

Mean Kitty

Alice Fatpants

Floh

Bye Bye

2012-02-01T09:16:00.002-07:00

Natalie's first "real" word is "Bye-Bye". Yesterday we were at Target and she waved bye to someone and mouthed the word. But then as we were leaving the store the cashier said "Bye!" so Natty said "Bye bye" while she waved. So cute.

I can't believe how quickly she is growing up.

Bye Bye.

Natalie is 10 months old

2012-01-30T08:28:00.003-07:00

Dear Sweet Natty-Noo,

You are 10 months old, 2 months shy of 1 year. Which seems insane. But this last month has been a crazy one in our world, filled with packing up our home in Phoenix and moving to Sierra Vista. It was hard on you, only because during the move and even now my attention is split between you, your sisters and getting the house in order. There is much to do to make this house feel like our home. I've worked hard but there is really so much more to do! This month, no this last week you've started taking 1 step. 1 tentative step. I was so sure that you would be walking by this age, though I love watching your sweet little baby crawl and though walking will make life easier for you, I am in no hurry for you to do it.

You have four teeth and love to eat. But still, you nurse often, like just now, you crawled over to me, fussing, and when I picked you up you spun in my lap until you were in nursing position. You looked up at me, and said "ah?" so we nurse. Your hands are cold against my arm, because its cooler here.
The girls started public school here last week. At drop off time, we walked down to the bus stop, you in the stroller with Lily on the side, just close enough for you to pet (and you loved that). While we waited for the bus you surveyed the land, as far as you could see. We are working on your sleep schedule. You need 2 naps, and you seem to be napping better here. Probably because I can put you in bed and do work around the house much more easily than I could before. Right now you take your first nap around 9-10 and second around 1-2 which should work with the girls' school schedule.

You are such a screamer. You cry often when you aren't happy and its not a little cry, its a cry that sounds like you are really hurt. But usually it just means that you want to be held. Your cry is piercing and if you cried like that nonstop I would lose my ever-loving mind. You cried a lot yesterday and I felt ready to lose it. Admittedly my stress level was really high because we had some issues with a stray cat in our house. Making myself sit and nurse you really helps me feel calm, and I need to remember that when I am having a panic-like attack.
Oh sweet baby, I love you, and your little cooing noises. I love watching you discover things. I was bathing you earlier this week and I tickled your naked belly, when I stopped you reached over and pulled my hand back to tickle you again. Over and over you did that, until we were both laughing hysterically. Silly baby, silly baby.

Love,
your Mama

First Day

2012-01-26T09:28:00.004-07:00

You can see Mopey McMopesalot hanging out near the house. She was scared and didn't want me to take a picture of her. But eventually she came down and smiled for me.

Today the girls started school.

Yesterday we went to the school to enroll them. We walked in and started talking to the secretaries who gave us packets to fill out. Rhayn's teacher Mrs. K came out and showed Rhayn her class while the other 5th graders were in specials. There are only two 5th grade classes (I think only two classes per grade, which is nice).

Gwennie sat by me while I filled out paper work and looked terrified. She seemed so small sitting there and I know she was worried about this. Eventually Gwen's teacher came out and introduced herself (and for the life of me I can't remember her name, geesh!) She showed Gwennie to her classroom and they talked for a few moments. I told her that Gwennie had been at a different kind of school and didn't know all of her letters or numbers yet.

Then we left and went home for lunch.

Last night Gwennie had a really hard time sleeping. She was worried about school, about having to do "hard work" to catch up. She was worried about making friends. Rhayn seemed less worried and more easy going about it all.

This morning I could tell that Gwennie was still tired and feeling stress. She was in a horrible mood. But we ate breakfast, and got ready for school. We took some pictures and loaded up into the Mazda.

At the school, you could see where the kids were being dropped off. We parked and I walked the girls in to the lobby. The secretary walked us back to their classrooms and explained that normally they will go onto the playground before class starts. Gwennie's teacher showed her where to put her backpack (that we had had to dig out of a box because she "needed one for school"). Then I gave her a hug, told her to have a good day and walked with Rhayn to her class. Rhayn's teacher was there as were a few girls. The girls introduced themselves to Rhayn. I gave her a hug, told her to have a good day and left.

I had to stop at the main desk on the way out to pay for their lunches. Today they are having cheese pizza sticks and both were excited about cafeteria food. Then I left. After school they will ride the bus home. Luckily they have each other, and since it is a small school the bus driver will get to know them and know where they live.

Also Thursdays are 3/4 days- they get out of school at 1:45. They should have about a 1/2 hour bus ride. I need to meet them at the drop off to meet the bus driver and to let him know it is alright for Gwennie to get off the bus even if I am not there.

So far this has been a good experience for us all. And I can not wait for them to get home and tell me about their day!

Settling in

2012-01-21T08:35:00.005-07:00

We are all settling in just fine.
Thanks to sunsets like this one,
360 degrees of beautiful. This is to the northeast.The girls can explore, taking a walk around our property,
our home.
Our space.

While I unpack like a maniac in the house, to make it feel like home,
the stillness outside
as the earth rotates
is beautiful.

The last night

2012-01-18T19:45:00.002-07:00

Tonight is our last night in this house.
This house, most of my marriage has been in this house.
2 of my beautiful children were BORN in this house.

I am going to have a hard time tomorrow, for the first hour I am awake. But I think that we'll be so busy that I won't really have time to think, until we are on the road.

For tonight I will keep packing boxes and hope that I have everything done I could possibly do.
Oh and of course I will try NOT to cry.

Gratitude

2012-01-17T08:08:00.001-07:00

It is moving week and that means that I am going to be a mess. But I am grateful that we are able to use some movers. If we weren't this move would be a little more of a mess.

This last weekend I have spent some time on Freecycle attempting to rid myself of some items that we no longer want. Since one of the items is a California King latex mattress I have had a LOT of trouble getting rid of it. Grrr. I get that no one wants a used mattress. I do. But also there is not a place to recycle it or drop it off. And honestly I probably couldn't move the huge thing myself.

Today my dad is coming over to help out with packing. Tomorrow he and my mom are coming over. Thursday the movers are coming. YIKES! I need to get curtains and pictures down and packed. That is my goal for today- well I think I will leave curtains up in the dining room and master bedroom because those rooms face the street.

And can you tell I am stalling? I really should be DOING not sitting in my chair sipping my coffee while I type. I need to make my list.

As for gratitude- I am grateful for movers, who should make this all smooth (as soon as I figure out my pet situation!) If I am not posting much this week- next week you can be sure that I will be posting pictures of our new home.

I am so excited.
I am terrified.
I have so much to do!

Morning

2012-01-12T06:34:00.003-07:00

The alarm goes off at 6:05 and I hit snooze. A moment later a light blinks on. The light makes it easier to wake up on these dark winter mornings. Natty fusses for a minute and I pull her close to nurse back to sleep. When she rolls over the alarm is just about to go off again, so quickly I move away from her small sleeping body and turn off the alarm.

Stretching I walk downstairs, turning on the baby monitor, putting on my glasses as I pass them. I pour myself a cup of coffee, stop to pat Lily on her sleeping dog head, and sit in my chair to watch the morning news.

This is my morning routine. When Will is home, he is part of it, though the alarm usually doesn't go off, but we still get up around 7. I love this hour I get before the kids wake up, before (in the winter) the sun comes up. From my chair I can watch the sky lighten up.

And this morning I am wondering what life will be like, in a few weeks when we are settled into our new home, settling into our new normal. I know I won't watch the same morning news, I may have to get used to a Tucson news show's team. I will miss these people, who have been a part of my morning for years.

But I can not wait for this change.

Weekly Gratitude

2012-01-09T16:03:00.003-07:00

This week I am grateful for~

~an afternoon/evening out with my cousin, sister and another friend.

~my dad calling me this morning to say "Mom and I are in town can we come help you pack?" (And showing up at my house with lunch before helping me dismantle the garage.)

~Will, because he has been working very hard to get our house ready for us to move in. He always works hard, but for the past few weeks he has worked even harder. We also had a really nice conversation on the phone discussing things that need to be done before we move, I like planning "meetings" like that.

~this move being nearly here and therefore, nearly over.

GNO Quest

2012-01-08T08:01:00.005-07:00

Our cast- piggy, caterpillar, Frodo, and Rat-deer (also known as I-lean)The crew had a long journey. Many obstacles were in their way.

Their lives were often in grave danger.

But, finally they arrived through a hole in the ground, and found a knight who could explain their quest.

"A quest will you be sent on, many things must you do."

This beautiful house doesn't belong in Middle Earth.

A wall had to be climbed.
A treasure!The dragon was nothing, though rat-deer was lost for a short time after the dragon. Luckily he'd just fallen by the wayside.

The ring, the one to rule them all, was discarded.

But there was still a battle amongst the foursome.

In the end, they celebrated with dessert.

2012-01-06T07:52:00.004-07:00

Wednesday night I didn't get much sleep. My mind was on overdrive because we are moving, and I needed to design my kitchen. I lay there all night dozing for a moment and popping awake to look at the clock and calculate how long I would get to sleep if I fell asleep right then.

Looking into the kitchen from the dining room.

In the morning I sat at my laptop on Ikea's website designing a kitchen, moving things around attempting to figure out the best use of the space. I finally had a decent idea, but didn't love it. Ok I know I probably won't love that kitchen. Not after the kitchen that we did our cook-a-thons in. Now THAT was a perfect kitchen.

I went to Lowe's and looked at the cabinet fronts. I did like a few and started to feel less stress about making it work from Ikea.

The island. Who puts an island like that in a little kitchen? It is a fire hazard!

Will and I spoke on the phone, going through a check list of things about the house that we needed to talk about. He has been working really hard to get the house livable for us. Carpet had to be removed, and the rooms needed to be measured for carpet to be laid. There were other thing that had to be fixed, too.

We made a few decisions that, hopefully, we will not live to regret. Now, I know the kitchen in these pictures doesn't look as bad as it is. The island is ridiculous. It is far too large for the space. The partition and half wall mean that in designing this space we need to get creative. We agreed that we'll move in and THEN deal with the kitchen. We won't move our things into these cabinets, living out of boxes for a few weeks.

But our move is still a few weeks away. I should continue packing and I have a list of things to get done. Will has drill this weekend. Monday the girls go back to school.

And through all of this, life continues on. We have to make food, and clean our house here. We have animals to care for, and diapers to change. But soon, we will be all together, and I can't wait.

SMOW!

2012-01-04T08:17:00.003-07:00

Last week we went on a mini-road trip. The girls and I met my parents and many of the cousins at my sister's house on the east side of town. Then we figured out who would ride in which car.

In the end, Grandpa had 3 girls, Madder, Katie and Gwennie in the truck, my mom had Gav, B and Rhayn in her car and Brie and I had our babies (Natty, Nannah and Mellie-belly). Then we parted ways because Brie and I were not taking the same path as they were.

We drove the 3 hour drive fairly uneventfully, arriving in the ShowLow area in the afternoon. The place was amazing, buried in snow drifts and icicles melting in the sun. The kids were all outside having "snowcones" (koolaid poured over clean snow). But soon everyone made their way into my cousin's house.

We hung out and had a great evening. For dinner there were tamales, salsa, beans and cheese quesadillas.

Around 11 I started feeling really sick, and ended up throwing up. A few hours later Gwennie started throwing up, and didn't really stop for almost 20 hours. She barely held down water, running and throwing up every time she took a sip.

In the morning everyone (aside from Gwennie, Natty and myself) bundled up and went out sledding. I bundled Natalie up and took her into the snow to take a few pictures.

The day dragged since I was just watching my poor sick girl and dreading the 3 hour drive home. Brie and I took Gwennie with us, and we also took a few blue party cups to hold puke if she needed it. And she did, oh she did. She filled up the cup half way before we even left the town. We had to stop a second time within an hour to throw the vomit out of the car. Brie's one year old, Nannah cried nearly the entire 3 hour drive home. Poor Gwennie was in the back seat heaving while we made the curvy drive home. She felt better when we made a rest stop in Payson, and even ate a little bit of a lunchable (she wanted it) but was back to puking soon after.

We made it to Brie's house, and I still had a 45 minute drive home after that. I nursed Natty and we hung out for a little while to stretch. Rhayn had gone home with my mom and dad, and my mom was bringing her home the next day (when she was coming over to help me get started on the daunting task of packing!) Gwennie didn't throw up again after we made it back to town. Thank goodness. And she was fine by the next day. But I had to cancel her sleep-over the next night because I wasn't sure if she was 100% by then.

It was a beautiful drive up, and on the way home I saw a bald eagle in a tree near the road and a lovely doe near the road. But I really missed my ME time, which is what I usually get while the girls go to the snow with my parents.

9 Month Newsletter

2012-01-01T12:52:00.006-07:00

Dear Sweet Natty,

On Thursday you turned nine months old. No, you aren't quite walking yet, thank goodness. I think it is still a few weeks away. Though you can stand, unsupported for a few moments before you plop down on your diapered bottom.
A little over a week ago, your 3rd tooth popped through, the right top tooth. The other top tooth is pushing through, but not yet out. Thankfully these haven't been as traumatic as the bottom ones were. If I hadn't looked in your mouth, I may not have even known that it was coming!

We went to visit some of my relatives this week and they live in an area of Arizona that receives snow. You liked eating the snow. It was pretty cute to see you all bundled up and sitting in a snow drift. On the 29th Grandma came over to help us get started packing. We went out to eat and you were pretty good. You like to eat, but I need to give you more than just starches. You love cheerios and baby puffs, and will gladly eat them for about 10 minutes if we keep putting them in front of you. This causes problems later, and as I learned last night, it gives you fairly solid poops, which you didn't like.
You like people, and everywhere we go we get comments about how cute you are. I know you are cute, but being your mom, I am biased. I think it is those brown eyes and chubby cheeks, and maybe your hair. It adds up to one cute combination. You look almost nothing like Gwennie did at this age. See? Comparison of you two. I am really enjoying you at this age. Though I feel like I don't have enough time to enjoy you. And I really can not believe how big you are already!

I love you,
mama

Another quick one.

2011-12-30T16:18:00.003-07:00

Just another quick update, since that is about all I can handle right now.

We signed the papers for our new home on Friday Dec 23rd.
The 24th we went to the zoo, as is our tradition.Christmas was spent in Coolidge with the family, after opening gifts at our house first.
Monday we had a nice family day at home.
Tuesday, the 27th, we headed up to see some SNOW! This trip deserves a post all to itself.
Wednesday we came home from the snow trip and found out that Will had the keys to our new home, which means the real work begins (for him- getting the house ready for us, and for me, getting this house packed up.)
Thursday Natalie turned 9 months old, and my mom came up to help me pack.
Which leads up to today- more packing, we actually have a few rooms nearly packed, a dent has been made in the super massive black hole o'crap we own.

Merry Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

They are all so excited for Santa to come.

All she wants for Christmas is...

2011-12-24T20:42:00.002-07:00

her other front tooth. Since the front right tooth broke through in the last few days. We had been singing that particular Christmas gem to Natalie for a week or so.

2011-12-21T13:53:00.003-07:00

Why am I struggling with Christmas? I love the whole season, but I always feel inadequate this time of year. Like I should have done more, given more, made more, been more. But what more could I do, give, make and be?

I've made plenty of gifts- my knitting needles have been clacking away for a month. I didn't finish some of the gifts I wanted to make. I made caramels, fudge, chex mix. I still need to make cookies- gingerbread mainly but I can't find the mix I usually use, so I guess I will have to make them from scratch. Also I want to make sugar cookies, but only because I want to eat them. So perhaps I should wait until after the holidays.

Our house hasn't closed yet. This, while not a huge deal, is causing stress. It seems like such a pain in the backside trying to buy this property. We thought we'd be able to move in the 2nd week of January. Maybe we still can... maybe. But I am totally not holding my breath. Chances are better for late January maybe even February. Ugh.

Gwennie's teacher had a little going away party for her today, because we thought we weren't coming back- but now it looks like they will go back for a few weeks while I pack and get ready to move.

And I. am. freaking. out. The move, which seemed so exciting is now terrifying. The closer it gets the scarier. But I am still looking forward to it, I can't wait to be through this part, to be moved in together. This is probably the single biggest reason that I am struggling with Christmas.

There has been some drama around the Christmas gifts that Santa was getting the girls. Its fixed now, but it added more stress and a sleepless night.

And I have a few Christmas movies to watch. Maybe that will help.

Weekly Gratitude

2011-12-19T06:38:00.003-07:00

Let me resume my gratitude posts, I really need to.
~Will was home this weekend, in fact he was able to make it home on Friday in time to go with us to the Advent Spiral Garden at the girls' school. I spent the time outside, since Natalie decided to talk loudly while it was supposed to be reverent.

~I am thankful for family. We visited Will's younger sister (and only full-sibling) this weekend. She has 2 children, a boy that is just about a year younger than Rhayn and a girl that is about 8 months older than Natalie. K gave Natalie a fun noisy toy as well as a box of really nice winter clothes. I can't wait to put them on her! I enjoy going to K's house, because I can see what Gwennie will (most likely) look like when she grows up. Its also nice to sit and chat with her.

~I asked Rhayn if she wanted to see Santa this year, she said she was ok with not doing that. I took Natalie and Gwennie on Friday the 16th. The line was not long. Natalie loved Santa, she petted his beard and smiled big for the camera lady. Gwennie was chatty with the lady in front of us in line, but when she got to Santa, she got really shy but was glad to see him. I love the wonder in her eyes.

~Today is bittersweet- This is the last week the girls will go to their school. We've been there for 6 years and we love the school. I am excited about our move, and terrified at the same time.

So far this week-

2011-12-16T06:30:00.004-07:00

Christmas is almost here. Are we ready? I sure hope so. Yesterday I did a little shopping. I am still not done though- I have a picture to paint, a few hats to knit and caramel to make.

Tonight is the spiral walk at the girls' school. They are only doing it for pre-kindergarten to 4th grade, and Rhayn is sad about that (being in 5th grade). Tomorrow we are going to visit Will's sister and her kids. My children are so lucky to have so many cousins, I only wish we got to see them all more often. Growing up, one of my best friends was my cousin, Hairball. Even now, she is one of my favorite people to go out on the town with.Monday and Tuesday of this week were drizzly and rainy. So nice to have that sort of weather. The girls kept reminding me that this was exactly like our trip to San Diego in 2008. I was grateful for my umbrella, I knew there was a reason it lives in my car year round.

Wednesday night was the school's Winter Concert for 5th to 11th grades. It was well done and we enjoyed it, for the most part. Rhayn sang and sounded lovely. I had heard her practicing for weeks and it was amazing to hear those songs. Natalie didn't freak out quite as much as she did at the Spring Concert. Thank goodness. She was loud and after the concert, Rhayn told me that they could hear her from the stage "singing along" and talking.

Semi Silent Sunday

2011-12-11T18:08:00.002-07:00

Watching a 3-D movie at my parents house.

Too darn many dogs in one living space.

She stands

2011-12-10T07:49:00.003-07:00

Can someone please tell baby Natalie that she needs. to. slow. down? I am so not ready for walking, but it is literally a step away.She can't stand up for very long, only a few seconds, but she gets sturdier every day. It won't be long now. (Also its nearly impossible to get a picture of standing girl.)

Oh the drama!

2011-12-09T07:26:00.002-07:00

Head lice has been going around the girls' school. It is almost always going around the school but this year it has been in both of their classes. Rhayn's class has had at least 1 kid out a week because of it (it seems). The children are required to wear a hat when they are out at recess.

Tuesday I was joking around with a friend about lice, and how just hearing about it makes my head itch. And also how we hadn't dealt with it. Rhayn's hair is short, and Gwennie's is really light though it is thick. So I haven't worried about it.

But that afternoon my head itched- like uncontrollable itching. I had sliced my finger open on Sunday and it had been probably been 6 days since I had washed it. I figured that the itchiness was from dirty hair. So I scrubbed it clean and went about my business. But that night, it was still itchy, so I took a benadryl and went to bed.

Wednesday morning it was still itchy. By the afternoon I was obsessively looking at my head worrying about it. I started googling lice. I found quite a few teeny tiny little white specks attached to my hair in the front. And with embarrassment I asked Rhayn to check the back. She looked and said she thought she saw a bug and she saw a lot of the white specks.

Thursday I kept Gwennie (who shares a brush and sometimes bed with me) home. We went to the doctor that afternoon to check my head. I wasn't sure if it was lice but also I wasn't sure what I could use since I am nursing. The doctor pulled a white speck off of my hair and looked at it under a microscope- yes, lice. And she said I could use anything since they are topical. I also decided to get a flu shot. It didn't hurt then, but now it feels like I was punched in the arm and it is bruised.

I went to pick up Rhayn from school and ran into my pal, A. I told her what was going on and she offered to help me comb the irritants out of my hair. I picked up some lice stuff, and headed to her house. An hour and a half later we were done but I still had a head coated in the stuff.

We got home close to 6pm. All seemed well, I made dinner (heated up green chile) and then went to change over laundry, because I had been washing bed clothes to rid our beds of the pests. The floor in the laundry room was covered in 1/2 an inch of water.

Crap.

Rhayn helped me clear out the laundry room while I coated Gwennie's hair in the lice stuff. The I coated hers and they "soaked" while I got out the wet/dry vac and started cleaning up the floor. When it was all cleaned up, I put 2 towels in and ran a light cycle. It started leaking under the washer. It is most likely fixable, but a few weeks ago it had stopped mid cycle with a full load in there I think we will be replacing it (and possibly the dryer which works, but does some weird things, too).

I think I held myself together pretty well last night, even though what I wanted more was to curl into a ball and bawl.

Its Friday now, and my laundry room, like the rest of my house, is in total disarray. I also have a migraine. What fun.

2011-12-06T13:51:00.004-07:00

It feels like life is whirling ever faster. We are only a few weeks from Christmas which is (hopefully) only a few weeks from our move. And I am not ready for either.

Our house is decorated for Christmas, our tree is up and the stockings are hung. This morning we were visited by St. Nicholas, who left the girls each a small gift, some Christmas socks and a bag of mixed nuts (in the shell- they look forward to that tradition each year). This is not something we celebrated growing up, but a tradition that they celebrate at the girls' school. I first heard of it when Rhayn was in kindergarten. And honestly we don't do it every year- I think we forgot last year. This year though, I am/was on the ball.Yesterday I had an eye appointment so Natalie and I spent a little time at the mall play area. She was not really sure what to think, and really she just wanted to nurse. It is a decent place to do that at least. I will be going back with her in a week or so and hopefully she'll play for a little longer. My prescription for glasses was upped again, just a little bit but I knew it would be. Things are not as crisp as they used to be. So I spent some money on new glasses. Totally different frames this time- which I will have in a few weeks, and yes, I will post pictures when I get them. I am excited about one pair- though I was told they are quite delicate and I did get a warranty on them. The second pair was $39.95 with purchase of a first pair, so I went ahead and bought a cheapish pair of at home glasses. If I don' t like them (or if Will doesn't because it matter what he thinks!) I can exchange them within 90 days, and they were from Sears which has a location in Sierra Vista and I think it has an optical center.

Don't tell Gwennie I posted this on here, though I only promised not to post it on Facebook, I said nothing about my blog. Sneaky, sneaky mama. Both she and Rhayn have tried on this Christmas gift, and I really hope its recipient enjoys it, too. I am done with 3 gifts for relatives, only 2 more to go. I have some ideas for the girls, too. I just need to get working, though much of it is hard since Natalie wants to be held a lot. She won't always feel this way and I try to remember that when I am holding her sleeping body while I am trying to knit over her head. But I love that she snuggles, Rhayn only did when she was sick. Gwennie remains a snuggle buggle and most of the time I really love that.

Silent Sunday

2011-12-04T08:54:00.002-07:00

(7) 8 Month Newsletter

2011-11-29T16:30:00.005-07:00

'

My dear sweet Natalie-girl,

Today you are 8 months old. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with you. Seriously time is going so fast sometimes it feels like I take a breath and you are on to the next thing.

I totally forgot to write one of these last month. Whoops. I kept thinking about it, and then before I knew it we were a mere week from today.
During your 6th and 7th months you have learned to crawl and pull up on everything (and anything) that you can. Last week you started crawling up stairs, which terrifies me. Thankfully at our new house there are only like 4 steps up into the house and none inside.

I am struggling to get you to sleep right now. I used to be able to lay you down and have an hour or sometimes two before you woke up. Currently there are 2 ways you will nap- in the car seat when we get home (as in I prop the door open and work in the kitchen while you are still in the car) or on me. If I am lucky I can lay you on the couch and snuggle you up and get 30 minutes before you figure out that you are alone and start fussing.

Yes, I know people would say "Just let her CIO (cry it out) it worked for my baby." But that seems so wrong to me. You have never cried yourself to sleep, well maybe once in the car after 45 minutes? But I just can't do it at home. You fuss and cry a lot as it is. Your separation anxiety is in full force, and usually you want mama and no one else (Big Sis, Rhayn is usually good, too). This too shall pass, right?

Just woke up and not happy about it.

At night you sleep well, but you're reverting back to the every few hour nursing. I know this is just a short part of our lives. Even though we co-sleep I am not sleeping well. Maybe its the stress of the move and changing our whole lives. Maybe it's because I miss your Dad during the week and I am so tired of "single parenting". Maybe we need a new bed? All I know is that I am exhausted, more so than I was in the beginning of your life. Again you are sick. Last night you puked all over me. Today you've had diarrhea and have vomited. The only diapers I have changed have been blow-out poops. Even when you woke up, your diaper was barely wet, and I didn't change it until you'd been up for an hour almost. (Not on purpose, I just forgot, it has to do with that lack of sleep crap.)
You have started really talking, or at least "practice" talking. You say mamamamamama dadadadadadada, lalalalalalala, gagagagagaga and many other cute little babbles. When you are crying, and I pick you up you will often tell me about it "agamada, abada anananana" I love listening to that.

I am sure I am forgetting so many things that I will later wish I had written down, but again, lack of sleep is making me forget everything I want to write. Maybe I will amend this later, but for now, sweet girl, just know I love you.

Mama

Thanksgiving (Observed)

2011-11-28T14:35:00.004-07:00

We observe Thanksgiving with our family on a different day because of schedules. But it doesn't matter when we gather around the turkey, our family is full of fun and love.

Posing in the tree.

Wisdom and love.

Making crafts.

Everyone should buy pants to match their dog, shouldn't they?

Fall colors and fun.

2011-11-26T13:23:00.003-07:00

I curled into myself in the closet, hands over my eyes breathing deeply, trying for the moment to catch a breath and calm myself so that I will stop shaking. Nothing is really wrong, but I feel anxious and shaky and totally freaked out.

Rewind just about 30 minutes and we were all sitting at the table eating lunch. Natalie was covered in orange pulp and green bean casserole as well as grass from being outside. She needed a bath, but she also hadn't had a good nap. (Recipe for disaster?) I took her in the shower with me and she was fine, so I thought "I'll wash my hair since I'd been outside working in the garden". Everything seemed alright until we started to get out, and I was wet, she was wet, and I started feeling panic rising in me.

I dried her off, and put her clothes on. Then dried myself, and listened to her cry and fuss, while I brushed my hair and got dressed.

Downstairs in our comfy chair, I tried to nurse her. Nope, she would latch for a second and pop off to see what was going around. I couldn't calm down and everywhere I looked the room looked messy. I paused the movie the girls were watching and told them to do a quick pick up before we watched the movie. I got up and started picking up, but I had to set Natalie down for a second. She screamed like she was hurt. I walked out, saying loudly to Will "You have to take her! You have to take her!"

And then walked quickly upstairs to my closet, to breath deeply and attempt to calm down.

Out of control feelings like that have been coming to me more and more lately. Our house is in a constant state of disarray. Not that that in itself should be the cause of my anxiety, but it is causing it in me right now. I feel like I have no control. I feel like I need to scream into a pillow and maybe cry.

Of course, Christmas is coming fast and that doesn't help at. all.

Gratitude Day 22

2011-11-22T17:28:00.004-07:00

I am grateful for my life. Today is my 34th birthday. 34 years of me!

Gratitude Day 17- 21

2011-11-21T06:32:00.005-07:00

Day 17- I am thankful for my sistah. I love that woman. She is amazing. Being 9 years apart was not good during out teen years (or mine teens actually, she wasn't a teen until I had my first baby at 23) but since we have become moms together, I feel a huge bond with her.

My sister and my youngest baby girls being held by my oldest, who just happens to be a little bit older than I was when my sister was born. I look at my girls and I see their adult friendships and love that they have each other.

Day 18- I am thankful that Will was able to get home by 5 on Friday so that he could attend a Lantern Walk at the girls' school. That made their day.

Day 19- I am grateful to my cousin, Hairball, who came up and went to see Breaking Dawn with me, and then went around as we joked about the more lame parts of the movie. Good times, and so nice even in we dragged my third arm along, she is cute, no? She thought that Breaking Dawn was, alright, but she really likes that the walls in the theater are soft. (Seriously she was giggling so loudly when she touched it.) She also enjoyed Jacob and the other wolves. Day 20- I am glad that the soccer season is over. Whew. I enjoy watching the girls play, but I am glad we won't have any more practices and we can have slow evenings.

Day 21- I am thankful that its Thanksgiving week. Only 2 1/2 days of school and then my favorite holiday, which we get to celebrate twice. I love food, friends, family.

Gratitude Day 16- This too shall pass

2011-11-16T15:08:00.003-07:00

I am sitting in my reclining comfy chair, sleeping baby snuggled into my arms.
Today I am struggling with gratitude because I am tired. So tired. I am trying to recall my last "good" night of sleep. I fail to remember one.

Lately Natalie won't sleep without me touching her. Even in the night I feel her toes or hand on me, testing me, feeling me. She doesn't need to be latched on, like Gwennie did. But she needs me close. This makes life hard. I can't get things done when she sleeps unless I wear her. She needs these naps.

I try, every time, to lay her down. 5, sometimes 10, minutes later she starts fussing and searching for me. Most mornings I will get an hour without her. She nurses at 5:30 and I get up at 6, coming down for my time. Then at 7 I wake everyone up. But not today. Today she would not let me go. Would not let me leave her space, our space.

I know this is a short-lived phase. In a few years she won't need me any more and I will miss these days of snuggling in the chair.

But like my current favorite quote- The years are short, but the days are long.

Gratitude Day 15

2011-11-15T16:46:00.003-07:00

I started packing today.

I am grateful that I have time to pack slowly while going through everything. We are downsizing quite a bit (from a 2500 square foot house to a 1900 square foot house). I love the idea of this. The main living spaces are about the same size, but in this house there is an upstairs living space that we don't really use. Also we won't have a garage to store things in, though we have 2 storage sheds- one that needs doors and one that is ready to use (I think). I only packed 5 small boxes of books, but have a pile that is half that size of books I no longer want.

Every box I pack brings us closer to our move and being together as a family again.

Gratitude Days 11-14

2011-11-14T15:06:00.005-07:00

We were able to head to Sierra Vista this weekend and see the house we are buying. While down there I didn't get on the computer, I didn't check my email or Facebook. And I am grateful that I can do that, and not feel withdrawals. In fact its nice to be away from it all.

Friday was Veteran's Day. I am extremely grateful for my own Vet. He's great. We watched the SV parade and it was just long enough. It was chilly, and if you look at the mountain in the distance, it has snow on it. Snow. In Arizona. I love Sierra Vista so far. Saturday, the 12th, we went in the house. There are issues, no lies there. But I can imagine us there. I look forward to working on our home with Will. I am thankful that both Will and I are handy and should be able to to much of the repairs ourselves. Most likely we will be taking this wood pellet stove out. It, like much in the house, wasn't installed properly. Plus we plan to carpet this main living space.
On Sunday the 13th we took our time driving home. It was pouring rain in Tucson, so we stopped and ate at Denny's. I had hoped the rain would slow down while we ate and it did. I am grateful that we made it home safely. Today I am thankful for 70 degree weather. It is beautiful out today. (Picture from Friday, when we were all freezing.) I have all of the windows open letting in the outside air and hopefully ridding our home of the sickies. If anything it is making the house smell nice.

I'll catch up...

2011-11-13T20:40:00.004-07:00

tomorrow. I promise. But for now, inspired by this post, I am going to let it go
and enjoy this moment.
This moment is bliss, holding a sweet sleeping girl in my arms.
This moment is bliss, smelling her sweet baby smell, soaking it in, before she grows into her big kid smell.

This moment is bliss.Picture taken last night, by a biggest sister.

Gratitude Day 10

2011-11-10T10:49:00.002-07:00

I am grateful that, for the most part, my kids are healthy. Sure we pick up illnesses, colds, flues, and the like.

Rhayn has been to the hospital only a few times, once to be born, once to have her cleft palate surgery and one trip to the ER because she hit her head and it was a little bigger than I was comfortable with.

Gwen has only been to the urgent care once when she was wee because of a high fever.

Natalie has never been to the hospital or urgent care, though I have been more worried about her little issues than the other two. Her hematoma, her strange feet, her weird noises, her upper lip tie, her slight (barely there) case of eczema, all of that has worried me, but she is healthy.

I am so thankful for that.

My heart aches

2011-11-09T17:23:00.003-07:00

Its been just over a year since I made the choice to surrender Penny. I ache inside when I think of her.
A week or so ago I was at Costco and the car parked behind me lifted its tailgate and inside was a dog that looked a little like Penny, I know it wasn't her, but for a moment I thought it might be. I know that she, most likely, was put to sleep. I know.
And I still ache.

Gratitude Day 8 and 9

2011-11-09T07:59:00.002-07:00

I made it one week before I slacked.

Yesterday I felt grateful for the La Leche League meetings I have been going to. No, I don't currently have any breastfeeding issues, however I have. I am grateful to have found that group.

Today I am thankful that Gwennie hasn't puked all over the floor. She knows when she needs to puke and runs for the bathroom. Rarely does she miss the toilet. She's been good about it since she was 3. I am really thankful for that, since Rhayn is the opposite and often (even at 10) pukes all down the hallway from her bed to her bathroom. Since Gwennie is puking (at this moment) and has been getting sick since about 3 am this morning, this is a good thing.

Rhayn used to tell me that she "spilled" when she threw up. It was so cute.

Gratitude Day 7

2011-11-07T18:35:00.003-07:00

I love how crafty kids are. Gwennie and her pal G made this bird out of clay, glue, feathers and googly eyes. It is so ugly but so much fun.

Gratitude Day 6

2011-11-06T15:58:00.004-07:00

I love this baby, even when she is sick and having a hard time sleeping.
Her cuteness astounds me.
(And check out that top picture of her second tooth!)

Gratitude Day 5

2011-11-05T19:06:00.005-07:00

I am grateful for the soccer league that my girls play in. Gwennie scored her 5th goal of the season. (If you ask her, really it was the 4th, once she threw the ball in from the sidelines, and that doesn't really count.)And Rhayn enjoys it as well. Sure, her team didn't win, but they had fun and that is what matters.

Gratitude Day 4

2011-11-04T15:50:00.004-07:00

Today I am grateful for the Ergo I bought yesterday. I am trying to be crafty, attempting to make some stockings for Christmas and possibly a tree skirt, too. Every time I have attempted to cut out the fabric, little miss fusspot would protest. I put her on my back, and was able to get all five stockings cut out and nearly all sewn. Go me!

Yes, I have other carriers that she could be worn in. However, the Ergo is amazingly comfortable.

And look how pretty!

Gratitude Day 3

2011-11-03T20:06:00.003-07:00

Today I am thankful for Craigslist. Seriously I scored and awesome Ergo baby carrier for less than half the retail price. I have a few baby carriers, and I use them often. But the one I use the most is a pain to put on. I have had my eye on one particular one for about a month now, stalking Craigslist for it.
After getting it, Natalie and I went and walked around Changing Hands and it was a breeze to get her on and off of my back in the Ergo. She seemed to really love it, too.
I am also thankful for the mother who sold it to me, because she drove to meet me half way even though she lives over by my sister (who lives 26ish miles away!) That was awesome.

Gratitude Day 2

2011-11-02T10:28:00.003-07:00

Today I am grateful for cooler weather. I love the chill in the morning air. Since it is November it feels good to pull out the long sleeved shirts, jackets, gloves and hats. Sure its still in the 80s in the afternoons, but I will take these lovely cool mornings and soak it up.

Gratitude Day 1

2011-11-01T17:22:00.003-07:00

Another November has entered our lives. I am once again going to focus on things I am grateful for.

Today I am grateful for my friends. Well, actually yesterday I was grateful for friends. You see, Rhayn got sick in the night on Sunday, and so Monday morning (Halloween) she was not going to school. And Natalie's rash (all over her body) had not subsided. I decided I would leave a sick 10 1/2 year old at home with a puke bowl, phone numbers for all of the people I could think of, and a lot of Harry Potter on the television while I took Gwennie to school and then Natalie to the doctor.

At school I ran into my friend, A, who offered to go sit with sicky while I was out.

I know Rhayn would have been fine at home alone. She often stays home alone, but she wasn't feeling well. And having A come over gave me peace of mind.

It turned out that Natalie was going to be fine and everything was honky dory.

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T20:38:00.002-07:00

Happy Halloween!
From Dorothy

Cleopatraand a sweet little puddin' pie.(And an additional picture of a pie I made when Rhayn was in kindergarten and am so excited to see that it's still in use!)

Just a Quickie

2011-10-31T10:38:00.002-07:00

Natalie is on the mend from her illness. Today she is covered in a small rash. I took her to the doctor and they believe its just a virus and that her vaccine reactions were really the virus and not the vaccine (or compounded by the virus). She seems to be feeling quite a lot better today.

Rhayn was sick last night, and this morning. She had to stay home from school with her puke bowl and is having a "Harry Potter-a-thon" while

Gwennie is at school. I am missing the festivities because I am here with sickies.

I am not yet sure what we are doing to trick or treating tonight. We had a plan, and as long as Rhayn feels somewhat better we'll execute as planned. My fingers are crossed that she does, because I bought her a costume... I want to see her wear it!

2 Things

2011-10-28T17:31:00.005-07:00

Today at 5am, Natalie's fever spiked back up to 103.6. Scary. A dose of tylenol and hours of snuggling in the recliner were in order. Around 7 I made sure the girls were up and set an unhappy Nan on the floor while I got dressed.

At school finally, totally tired from 2 early mornings. I decided that if at 9am she was still feeling cruddy I would take her to the urgent care. Fortunately for us all, I stopped at Target to pick up some infant advil, and even before I gave it to her, she smiled and started acting more like herself again. So I decided to avoid the cesspool of germs that is often called an urgent care.

We came home and snuggled in the chair then she crawled on the floor happily for a while. (She would begin fussing every now and again.)

During one of her screaming fits, I noticed that toothy #2 broke the gum today. That must have exasperated her cruddy feeling for sure. Hopefully it doesn't cause her any more grief now.

Vaccines and Reactions

2011-10-27T20:33:00.003-07:00

My happy baby, I miss her.

Yesterday Natalie had her (late) six month well-child exam. She seemed fine, but as soon as I put Natalie on the exam table so that the nurse could take her temperature and measure her, she started screaming. She was fine as long as I held her.

After the nurse left, there was a nearly 30 minute lapse before Dr. Lai came in. Not fun, especially since Natalie spit-up on me a few times in the 30 minutes.

Dr. Lai said her stats were great, 17 1/2 pounds puts her between the 50-75th percentile for weight and at 27 inches, she is in the 75th for length. Her growth is right on track. Everything seems perfect, except for her cephalohematoma. The bump on her head hasn't gotten any smaller in a few months. Unless you know its there you don't see it, but you can feel it. Dr. Lai could give me a referral for a neurosurgeon to look at it, and see if anything can be done. But I opted out of that (at this time).

Then it was time for vaccines. The nurse came in with three shots, a combo of five: hepatitis B, haemophilus influensae type B (hib), polio, pneumococcal conjugate, diptheria tetanus and pertussis (DTaP). I knew this part wouldn't be fun. I was prepared for the crying/screaming from that.

We came home, and I knew she'd get fussy. She usually sleeps for the next 24ish hours on and off after her shots. But by evening I knew this was worse.

Her temperature was elevated to 101.5. I gave her tylenol, and she rested well. Until 5ish this morning when her temperature spiked up above 103 and she was so uncomfortable and miserable. Tylenol time again. I sat in my comfy chair and held my sweet, hot baby until she felt better. Hoping she would feel better. While the girls ate breakfast, she threw up. Not a little spit up, but heaving puking. She was cleaned up and Rhayn helped by making the girls lunch (she has also made them breakfast).

My day involved much baby holding, and snuggling. I even made a call to her doctor to see if I should be worried. The nurse called me back within 10 minutes, she didn't seem worried, but felt that if the fever didn't go down with tylenol I could give her ibuprofen (which I didn't/don't have) every few hours. If that didn't help then she instructed me to take her to the urgent care.

I never did take her in.

She is still not feeling well, and now she has some serious diaper rash from pooping like 30 times today.

But I really hope she feels better tomorrow. Though it seems that this is all listed in the "mild reactions" on the vaccine information sheets, this doesn't seem mild to me. Sigh.

2011-10-24T09:23:00.004-07:00

Last night I got little sleep. I went to bed at my normal time. I even did my normal things- read for a little while and watched a little television. But my brain would. not. shut. off. I felt like the world was pressing down on me. I felt like tomorrow would bring a tragedy and I could possibly stop it, if only I could figure out what it was.

I had taken a nap earlier in the day and maybe that hindered my sleep. I had also nearly fallen asleep while snuggling with Will on the couch watching Antiques Roadshow before heading off to bed.

Around 1 ish, I had dozed off and had a sort-of dream about Will wrecking on the way to Sierra Vista. He usually leaves the house around 4:30am so I knew he'd still be sleeping on the couch. (Again, this is because our bed is too soft and gives him back pain.) I picked up Natalie, and we went to sleep on the couch by him.

It worked. I suppose I just needed to be near him. I miss slumbering next to him. I look forward to the day we can buy a new mattress and be bed buddies again.

When he left, I took Natalie and headed back upstairs to try and sleep until my alarm went off at 6:11.

Yawn. Its going to be a very long day.

Silent Sunday

2011-10-23T15:57:00.000-07:00

Michaelmas

2011-10-22T16:40:00.004-07:00

I am starting to wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me. I spend far too much time day dreaming. So many crazy things have happened lately, including putting offers in on houses in Sierra Vista, so I sit and ponder what will happen later if x, y, z happens first. I imagine moving sooner than the end of the semester.

I love the school our girls go to, and they love it as well, but I am so ready for the next phase of our life. I am ready to move into our new home (when we get one) and start fixing it up and living our life. I am ready to see my city girls become country bumpkins, covered in dirt and dust and wearing wranglers.

Yesterday there was an accident at the girls school. It was the annual Michaelmas Festival, and after the children all went through an obstacle course there was a performance. The early childhood, preschool and kinder, were in their classes, as there is a dragon and they feel some of the performances are a little scary for the wee ones. I kept walking back and forth between the performances and Gwennie's class. There is a point when one of the grades comes out wearing a dragon costume , think Chinese New Year dragon, and its usually really neat. Only the piano that they had up on the "stage" tipped over and landed on a student. She started screaming and for a short time there was chaos, though things were quickly taken care of. Emergency services were called and the girl was taken away in an ambulance a short time later.

But a piano fell on her. Imagine if it had been one the kindergarteners? Imagine if... and yes my mind has imagined a million scenarios. Not fun. But I thought I was fine with it. I mean, she'll live, her leg will eventually heal.

So why did I keep waking up last night hearing her screaming?

And even today, I feel numb. There were a lot of people closer to her and the incident, I was about fifteen feet away and I only heard the piano fall and the cacophony. I picture the fast action of Rhayn's teacher, grabbing one of the mom's (who is a doctor) out of the crowd before most of the people even had time to realize what had happened. In my mind I play it over and over. But why? I feel stupid. Yes it was scary, yes someone was hurt. No I don't even know who she is. I'm sure I've seen her around, its a small school.

Last night's poor sleep is making today difficult. I feel like a living dead girl.

I think tonight shall be an early night.

Accepting Death

2011-10-20T06:39:00.005-07:00

Long ago, a family lived just down the street from this "big rock". The kids often strolled past it while going about their daily business. In the 1920s and 1930s they grew up in a teeny, tiny South Dakota town. Not too far from DeSmet, SD (of Laura Ingalls Wilder fame). Eventually getting married and having their own children.
In the 1940s, the lovely lady on the left, Loretta went to California to work. She met a wonderful man named Lynn, and married him, starting my family line.
In the late 1950s, my mom was born, the youngest of 6 children.
For years Loretta would fly home to South Dakota (sometimes she would drive) to visit the big rock, and her sister.
In the 1970s she brought her children, and as the family story goes, my dad asked my mom if she wanted a beer, (he was raised Lutheran) and she declined but they started writing letters to each other. He eventually moved to Arizona to work on the family farm and to marry my mom.
Loretta later brought grandchildren with her, mostly my family because our dad is from this same miniscule town in South Dakota (and we were able to visit both sides of our family).
We got to know her sister, our Great-Aunt D. We were lucky, my baby sister and I, a new generation of sisters, listening to an older generation of sisters as one crocheted and the other gladly took out her mistakes. Joking, laughing, loving, always loving.
I think we knew these old biddies best of all.
I'll never regret those trips to, what I consider, our homeland.
I'll never regret those long hours and days listening to the old stories and fun times with these women.

But a few weeks ago my Aunt D passed away.
And my Grandma is 90.

Things change.

And all I have are those memories, fleeting thoughts, from many trips to Ramona, South Dakota.
Memories of sisters.
I hold those dear.
Especially now.
When only one half of those "twins" are still here on Earth.

2011-10-19T19:44:00.002-07:00

Today all three of my lovely ladies had their pictures taken. The lady who does the school portraits also does sibling portraits in the morning. I look forward to seeing the final results.

Once again Natalie is ill. Maybe she never fully got over the last cold. She once again has sneezes and a runny nose (though it is clear) and fussiness. Over the weekend Natalie was so fussy we ended up giving her tylenol twice. She was teething, her gum swollen and red. Her tooth broke through on Sunday, and it is still slowly pushing up. It may be what is causing her irritation, but maybe not.

Last night it took a long while for me to fall asleep. Then Natalie kept waking up fussing. She wasn't fully waking up and didn't really want to nurse. It was more like whimpering. She is sleeping in my arms right now, and I am really hopeful that she will sleep well tonight and we will all wake up much happier tomorrow.

If not, no biggie because my day tomorrow is wide open during the school day. I am really looking forward to a day at home.

I ordered a doll kit from Weir Dolls to make Natalie a doll. I also need to get started on Christmas gifts if I want to make many handmade gifts. I suppose I should make a list of what I want to get done.

And as always I am trying to not dwell on our move.

Weekly Gratitude

2011-10-17T13:42:00.004-07:00

This week I am feeling grateful for
~finally getting down to what may very well be our new home a few weekends ago. Just going down there gave me a huge sense of relief about the prospect of moving.
~An oldest child who is such a huge help, this weekend without even being asked she took her baby sister upstairs and showed her the guinea pigs while Will and I did some (much needed) yard work.
~listening to Gwennie sing songs school softly while she plays.
~a baby with one new tooth and the ability to crawl. Look out world! She is coming to get you!
~friends and birthday parties, one that was celebrating the fall we aren't really feeling yet, and another that celebrated the never ending summer with a pool party in October.

Silent Sunday

2011-10-16T11:08:00.002-07:00

Saturday Soccer

2011-10-13T11:19:00.003-07:00

These days are filled with thoughts and plans.

But mostly they are filled with
slowed down moments because
she won't stay little for much longer
and right now,
she needs me to sit in the chair
to feed her,
to love her,
to change her diaper,
to hold her close,
to snuggle,
and just be her mama.
Until she runs off to school
like her big sisters,
and then I can get back to being super productive.Until then,
this messy house
is just part of life.
(This makes me feel crazy sometimes. I need to remind myself that this is temporary and someday I will yearn for these baby days.)

Sierra Vista part 2

2011-10-11T13:20:00.008-07:00

We headed out of town to check out the property. The house was almost exactly what I want, but it was also more than we can spend. The girls loved the property but I think they cold love any property, and we all pictured Lily running wild on the 8 acres. Gwennie was disappointed when we told her that there was a chance we wouldn't buy that house. She has already picked out which room would be hers and was planning how much fun she would have outside. Rhayn was planning her chickens, since there was already a chicken coup.

(Its been a few days, and Will has found another that we could be happy with that is quite a lot less money.) While there we became acquainted with the biggest GRASSHOPPERS ever. The ground crawled with them.

We left the property and drove out of town and down a looooooong dirt road to see where another property was. Both Will and I laughed at the thought of living that far out of town and down a road that looked like it washes out seasonally.

Between the property we loved and the one we laughed about, we were driving along Highway 90. Will mentioned that this was a long drive and this property better be amazing. As he said that we crested a small hill and looked down at the San Pedro River. It was beautiful. Huge cottonwoods surround the river.
The next morning we took our time getting up and going. We headed out of town and went to a Paleo-Indian excavation site. There was a small canyon that we had to climb into where you could see the layers of time.After leaving Murray Springs, we went to the San Pedro Riparian National Conservation Area. We saw the biggest cottonwood trees we had ever seen. In fact one of them was on the Arizona Register of Big Trees (it had a small plaque). This would be an ideal spot to take family pictures eventually.I love this area. The San Pedro River has so much to offer. No, Sierra Vista has so much to offer. Its lovely there.After we left the San Pedro we headed back to the apartment. We all had gotten too much sun, though we all wore hats while hiking (even Will, who ended up wearing the tropical little kid hat since Gwennie wanted to wear a camouflage hat.) For dinner we had KFC and then we went to the park because the girls wanted to play on the merry-go-round again. I used to love merry-go-rounds. You don't see them often so this was a special treat for us. It was awesome to sit at the park as the sun set watching the girls have a wonderful time playing.
As the sun set we got ready to leave. We rounded up the girls and as we were standing there a bat flew right over out heads (scared me!) which was pretty cool.

In the morning we slowly got ready to go. Leaving was hard. Really hard. I don't like doing it, but it was worth the drive and uncomfortableness of sleeping in a one bedroom upstairs apartment to spend time with Will.

Sierra Vista part 1

2011-10-10T18:30:00.005-07:00

About a week ago I realized that we had a perfect weekend to go visit Will and check out this town we are probably moving to. The girls had a half day on Friday and no school Monday. So after some emailing back and forth, finding a place for our dog to hang out for 3 days, and a conversation via Gmail video chat, the girls and I packed up and headed to Sierra Vista, Arizona after school on Friday.

Its a long drive from our house to S.V. It takes a little over 3 hours, depending on traffic. That is forever for small children. Also, Nan picked up a cold this week, her nose was runny on Friday but that was it. We listened to Mr. Popper's Penguins all the way there.

Once we passed Tucson, with a little more than an hour still to go, the scenery started to change. It was lovely. And we all started getting more excited. When we finally turned off of I-10 we knew that the majority of our trip was behind us and we were close, so close to Daddy.
We pulled up to his apartment complex and I parked by his truck. I called him because I forgot to write down his apt. number. He came out and the girls and I all hugged him gladly. We hadn't seen him in weeks.

After we ate dinner we loaded into the car and drove around S.V. He showed us how small the town is, and how pretty. We made it back to his apartment and settled in for the night.

In the morning we ate and dressed. The girls ran downstairs and played right outside of his apartment. Then we drove to the park for the car show that was being held there. It was interesting. The girls got to throw balls and dunk a police officer. (I'll post pictures of that later.) Gwennie was given a balloon, we watched some young men give a welding demonstration. We left the park and grabbed Subway on our way to a picnic on base near this bridge. It was amazing. This creek ran by us, and we were able to watch an Acorn Woodpecker bury his acorns in an old tree. The girls made friends with some girls who live on base and whose dad is currently deployed. Will and I looked at rocks and plants and just enjoyed being outside together.
After our picnic lunch we had to run into Target to purchase a new outfit for Nan, because she had a poopsplosion. Will also took us around the base to see where he works. Upon leaving Target we headed out of town. Will had scheduled a house viewing. There is a house for sale on 8 acres of land to the east of town and he wanted us to see it.

Sunset over the park

2011-10-07T06:45:00.005-07:00

On Wednesday we sat at the park

Rhayn had her first soccer practice of the season.
To the west of us, a young (posibbly Pop Warner?) football team had practice.
The sun set
changing the sky from brilliant blue
to this.And finally this.

Random

2011-10-06T06:47:00.003-07:00

Weather for This Sunny Place, AZ

69°F | °C

Thu

Fri

Sat

Sun

Cloudy

Wind: W at 16 mph

Humidity: 53%

79°

59°

77°

59°

83°

63°

90°

66°

This is our forecast. This is the reason that even though I slept fitfully all night, I am so very happy. I have windows open. I left the window in my room open all. night. And it felt good.

All night my brain was on over drive. Tomorrow we are going to visit Will for the first time. The girls and I haven't seen the place we may very well be moving. I invited Gwennie's entire class to the park after school to celebrate her birthday. We're having that next Wednesday and I feel a little anxious about it. I know it will turn out fine, I just need to buy a cake (Costco, whoo hoo!) and get small plates. It should be fun for the kids and I look forward to seeing some of the parents.

Last night I dreamed that Gwennie's teacher Ms. H told me that she was ready for 1st grade and would be moved into the 1st grade class next week. In my dream I was so happy that she was ready but mad because she wouldn't get the full Kindergarten experience. I was so torn.

I think this is because yesterday I had parent/teacher conferences with both girls' teachers. Gwennie is the 4th oldest in her class. But that is really an whole other post.

And for now, I need to go wake up the girls and get this beautiful day started.

Confessional

2011-10-05T06:47:00.003-07:00

Last night I had a hot flash. Like an "I want to throw all of my clothes off and stand in front of the fan" kind of flash. What is that all about? I was sweaty and uncomfortable. And outside it was cool and lovely because a storm blew through the city.

Last night I felt like a terrible mom, because Nan wanted to play and I wanted to go to bed. She is practicing crawling and sitting and it makes it hard for her to sleep.

Now for the really bad mom part.

On my bed if the baby monitor. I use it nearly every morning because I wake at 6 and Nan usually wakes at 7. So that is bad, right? Well last night as I was standing in front of and facing the fan trying to cool off, she pulled the baby monitor and stuck the cord in her mouth. The live end of it that plugs into the monitor. AND it was plugged into the wall.

And...
I was mad at her for crying.
And...
it was not the first time she's stuck a cord in her mouth and gotten a little shock.

She screamed and cried and we stood in front of the fan while I started to cry. When she finally calmed down I had to turn the light off to get her to understand it was BED time.

Silent Sunday

2011-10-02T18:10:00.001-07:00

6 Month Newsletter

2011-10-01T06:54:00.005-07:00

Dear Sweet Nan,

You are half a year old now. I knew it was coming, sneaking up fast on us. But it hit me hard the day it happened. Maybe because you turned 6 months the day your big sister turned 6 years. That was hard to take.

This last month you pretty much stayed how you've been. Rolling around on the floor makes you happy. But you also love more than anything to be held while we walk around. You are finally able to balance well enough to sit up. When we are out and I need to put you down for just a moment, I can set you on your tushy and you stay happily reaching for all that is in front of you.
But in just the last few days you army crawled across the floor. I was your first goal and that makes me happy. The very morning you turned 6 months, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take Gwennie to school, and you were on your tummy. I looked away to do something and when I looked back you were there sitting up, pleased as punch at your new accomplishment.
You have found your voice, and you use it. Though, as Daddy likes to point out, your screaming cry isn't shrill like Gwennie's was. In the car you often babble to yourself, and you have started practicing your consonant sounds, B, D, G. M only comes out when you are hungry and want to nurse, you suck your lips into your mouth and say "Mmmmmmmm" not like "Mmm that was delicious" more like a cry. But you don't do it all of the time.

I have started signing with you, using the signs for milk, more, all done, cat, dog. I don't know if you get any of them yet. But we'll see.You want to be ready for solid foods, so I will plop a small pile of food in front of you while we eat. Often this is rice, pasta, quinoa, bread, something like that. You play with it and attempt to move it to your mouth. Most of it ends up on the floor which is perfectly fine with me.

Last weekend we went on an overnight family trip to Flagstaff. While we were there you tried out a swing for the first time. I placed you in it and you smiled very big. I pushed you slowly and you were still happy. Then Rhayn came over, she pushed you big and you did not like that. Your bottom lip popped out, you looked terrified. I had to tell her that it was your first time in a swing and you weren't yet sure of it. She felt like a bad big sister for that, but we all do those kind of things and regret them.
I can not believe how big you are getting and how much fun you are to watch. It won't be long before we really have to put up all of the baby gates and other childproofing things to keep you out of places we don't want you to be.

But I will enjoy this part, holding on to you tightly before your wings unfurl and you flit away from me.

~mama

72 Month Newsletter

2011-09-30T09:36:00.005-07:00

Last night of being five.

Dearest Gwennie,

The weeks leading up to your birthday were exciting to you. Nothing thrilled you as much as marking another day off of the calendar. You knew that your birthday was going to be a little sad, because your big sister was going to the Grand Canyon with her class for a few days. But that didn't stop you from fully enjoying your day.

I picked you up from school early and had planned to take you to see a movie. You wanted to go have a playdate with your cousin Maddie. We were going to have dinner with her anyway, so this was a good idea. We stopped on the way and got ice cream at Dairy Queen. You enjoyed your dipped cone.

Outfit picked out for your birthday.

You love school. I didn't doubt that you would. You don't like for nap care but Rhayn loved it. By the end of those days you are exhausted and grumpy.Six is such a big age. I am just shocked at how fast time is flying by. I think this is the last year that you will be able to wear this birthday shirt. We'll have to put it away for Nan to wear when she is big enough.
You are silly and so much fun. I am always thankful for you.

I love you,
Mama

A Quickie

2011-09-29T21:04:00.003-07:00

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel like posting about Gwennie's birthday, or posting about her as a 6 year old.
Hopefully tomorrow I will also feel like posting about Nan's awesome skillz.
Hopefully tomorrow I will not be feeling quite so down about life.

But for now I am going to bed and I plan on reading. Until then,please enjoy this silly picture of a 6 year old and a 5 year old.

Tomorrow

2011-09-28T20:02:00.004-07:00

Tomorrow you turn 6 months old my tiny little love. I can't believe for 6 months I have held you close.
Tomorrow you turn 6 years old my big golden haired love bug. And I can not believe you've made it off of the 1 hand and onto the second hand.

Weekly Gratitude

2011-09-26T06:35:00.004-07:00

This week I a grateful for~

~A quick, family, weekend trip out of the valley. He had duty, so the girls and I did some fun things about Flagstaff. But that is a post in itself!
~Good friends who watched our sweet pooch (and whose dogs wore her out! She is still sleeping!) while we made that quick trip.
~A biggest girl whose class is going on a camping trip this week to the Grand Canyon. She is beyond excited about it.
~A big girl who will turn 6 on Thursday.
~A baby who will be 6 months old on Thursday.
~Most of all, I am grateful for my family.

Silent Sunday

2011-09-25T15:58:00.002-07:00

2011-09-21T11:38:00.002-07:00

I've seen far too much of this unhappy baby lately.She is so fussy and unhappy. At night she wants to nurse BUT she's been stuffed up. Yesterday was the worst I ended up pumping milk because I needed to.

And she wants me, and only me, to hold her.

I wonder if its teeth and if so... will they JUST pop out.
If not then I hope she gets better soon.

2011-09-20T16:56:00.002-07:00

They opened a new library near the girls' school. We finally made it over to check it out. It is amazing.

Weekly Gratitude

2011-09-19T10:05:00.007-07:00

Today I am grateful for
~Will. He was home this weekend. Though it was a crazy busy weekend, we didn't get to spend a lot of time together. It was just nice to have him home.
~spending time with my family. I don't see them much since we are always so very busy. Sunday we headed to their house to celebrate one of the grandkids' 2nd birthday as well as have 3 baby blessings, including Natalie's and I don't have any great pictures of her in her beautiful white dress. I love that my dad is able to bless her. And listening to JVA bless his boys was amazing. He, his wife and boys will be sealed in the temple soon and I know how happy that makes my parents. ~my sweet baby. She loves me best of all. Seriously. You have no idea. I'll get into that more when I write her 6 month newsletter (coming up far too soon!)
~these perfectly lovely mornings. I love the cool morning hours. Opening up the door and letting in the outside while I enjoy my morning rituals.

Semi Silent Sunday

2011-09-18T08:20:00.004-07:00

This weekend is a whirlwind of activity.

And I am trying to stay calm.While trying to get everything done.
And while doing that, I take a moment
to breathe in the scent of my baby's sweet head.

2011-09-14T17:58:00.003-07:00

I have a memory, it pops up whenever we break open a fresh coconut.
Its vague, more of a snapshot of a moment frozen forever in time.
And its my grandpa.Cracking open a coconut for his grandkids.
Because he loved us.

Weekly Gratitude

2011-09-12T06:31:00.003-07:00

I haven't written any things that I am grateful for lately.
Mostly because I had been struggling with gratitude recently.
But the weather finally broke and we've had cooler temperatures and cloudy days. Its been beautiful out.
~I am finally better from 2 back to back colds that kicked my butt. This was followed by the worst migraine I have ever had. So bad that I had to call a friend to come and take my girls to school. It was miserable, BUT lasted only 18 hours. Also Nanny let me take a 3 hour nap that helped through it.
~We started giving Nanny food at dinner so that we can all eat together. I wanted to avoid feeding her people food until she was 6 months old, but she. wants. food. She also does a great job eating it. Or at least playing with it. A scoop of rice was a huge hit and kept her busy long enough for me to eat my sushi roll. (Though we were at a restaurant at the time and there. was. rice. everywhere.)
~Gwennie is sleeping better. We stopped fighting her about sleeping in my room. I set up her bed near mine and she is sleeping without as much of a fight. This means she is in a much better mood.
~Rhayn and I talked about 9-11 this weekend. It gave me a chance to think about it, and process my thoughts. Sure its been 10 years, but I remember life before it. My kids won't. They will always live in a world that knows this can happen. They will always live in a world where their dad joined the Military after this tragedy. It was the first year I told Rhayn about what happened. We watched a couple of shows about it, and we went to The Healing Field in Tempe. It was beautiful.
~Will was away at drill this weekend. I am grateful that he isn't in another country. I am grateful that we'll get to see him (even if its for a short amount of time) this weekend. ~I am grateful for a baby's first birthday party that meant time with my family. I spent a long time talking with my Grandma. I rarely take the time to talk to her. I should really change that.
~All in all it was a decent weekend. And for that I am grateful.

Silent Sunday

2011-09-11T13:22:00.002-07:00

I only wish we could have been there as they read the names.

10 Years ago

2011-09-10T09:56:00.002-07:00

While the world watched in horror as the towers fell.
While the world around us changed.
My family sat and waited, while my baby had surgery.
Surgery to close her cleft palate.
And in my heart I prayed then.
And in my heart I pray now.
As we remember that day 10 years ago.
The day that changed our world.

(Doesn't Natalie look just like Rhayn?)

2011-09-09T06:48:00.002-07:00

10 years ago my life was going in one direction. Will and I were getting ready to take Rhayn in for her surgery scheduled at 6 am on September 11th, 2001.

I look back and remember.
How much my life has changed because of that awful day.
If it weren't for that day, Will would not have joined the military. Our lives inexplicably changed because he wanted to serve, and by him serving, we serve.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Some Updates

2011-09-06T16:28:00.002-07:00

I'm doing a 30 day photo challenge, here, so join in if you want. Or just look at my lame pictures.

This weekend Will was home, which was awesome. I was sick and didn't get to enjoy him, but it was nice to be sick and not have to worry about the kids. I am really lucky to have him. We aren't going to see a lot of him over the next month or so. I hate that. We miss him dreadfully when he is gone and its hard on the girls to not see him regularly.

Gwennie has made some friends at school. She is so cute talking about them all of the time. One of the little girls is really into vampires (in kindergarten?) so Gwennie is talking about them. I asked her about vampires and she said "They suck blood, S and I love them and we are one of them. S was the first vampire and she bit me, and now I'm a vampire." I wonder if that is why she wants to wear black clothes? You know, because she is such a goth.

Lily had a puppy play date at our friends' house and she was so worn out the next day that she could barely move. I wish I was a better pet owner, and took her on walks more. But it has been so ridiculously hot we have been doing as little as possible to get by.

Silent Sunday

2011-09-04T09:13:00.001-07:00

2011-09-01T14:27:00.003-07:00

This is NOT a criticism of my friends. I just need to say that now. Also this is random and not so nice and well... you can read it but be warned. I am a mess. (Blame it on the weather and a cold, okay?)

I recently had a chat with two women that I consider really good friends. These two have kids the same age as Rhayn and their kids were in Rhayn's class for a few years. These two have moved their kids on and when we talk about schooling they often point out the problems they have with Mr. T. I get it, he isn't a perfect teacher. But they never have a positive word to say about him and I am always left wondering if they think down on me for having kept Rhayn in his class.

They point fingers and talk about all the bad things he has done. I get it. I do. I can't say he would be my #1 choice for teacher. But he is her teacher, and I know he cares for those kids. He is doing a decent job. I am tired of the bad mouthing. I can not take it.

These same friends talk up the awesomeness of their kids all. of. the. time. I get it, their kids are the best at... Am I a bad mom for not looking at my children and saying "Dang, my child is the best at... and I have to tell everyone about it." I can not center my life around my oldest child, my middle child, my baby, I can barely keep my head above water most of the time. I feel like I am drowning and like I have been for years.

Am I a bad parent? Are my kids way more awesome than I see? Or am I realistic? Am I messed up in this way of thinking?

I am trying to be the best mom I can be, and I know that whatever I do, my kids will blame me at some point for messing up their lives (probably around age 16?) And I know that they are intelligent kids who will make some good choices and some bad choices. I know I can't be there for them 100% of the time and they will have to fend for themselves at some point. I can only hope I have given them the tools to be the best person they can.

I really need something positive in my life. This heat is killing my spirit and drive. This cold I have is zapping every ounce of coping I have and I am left feeling like a shell of myself. These conversations take it out of me and I am left empty.

It should be 103 this time of year, instead its day 10 or so of 110. I need to be outside but even at 7am its in the 90s. I can not take much more and retain any amount of sanity. I hate being in my house I want fall, I want to wear pants without feeling like death. I hate this. I. Hate. This.

(Ok vent over.)

Nicknames, again.

2011-08-30T19:36:00.003-07:00

Blowing raspberries at you all!

As you may all know, I still don't love the name Natalie. I think its the way the "Na" sounds really nasally when some kids say it, it sounds like "nyah tlee". It bugs me. I can't really explain why. But I have been thinking of nicknames for her. Maybe if they called her "Nah tuh lee" I would be more ok with her name... I don't know.

I tried "yaya" but it didn't stick.
Then Naya, Nah Jah, Nalie, Nanny, Natty, Noni, and Lee Lee.

Nanny is the one that sticks the most. Lee Lee (though super cute) is way too close to our dog's name (Lily). Natty is the name of one of my high school chum's wife (and that is weird to me). Gwennie and I were reading a book tonight with the name Nan in it. I think I really like Nan. Its cute and short and sweet.

Why not Nana you ask? Well my sister has a beautiful little 1 year old girl named Savannah. Everyone calls her Nah nuh (like banana). They are too close in age and we spend a bit of time with her, so that is out.

When I was pregnant with Gwennie we liked the name Hannah. It was too far up on the popular names list, and I knew she was Gwennie, there was no other name for her. But I thought of Hannah for Natalie, too. It was still to popular for me, but Natalie is also quite popular. I hate that. I hate hearing her name everywhere we go. It is cool to see it on things, like pacifiers and water bottles.

Ugh. I know that even though I "knew" Gwennie was Gwennie, I had a hard time calling her that when she was little. (I've written that before.) So I guess I have hope that I will fall in love with the name Natalie.

But until then... maybe we can all call her Nan? And maybe it will stick. My little Nanny Nan Nan.

Random Freak Outs.

2011-08-29T17:30:00.006-07:00

I feel the panicky feeling I get sometimes, it hits me slowly at first. But after a short time it smacks me with shortness of breath and and overwhelming feeling that life is out of control.

This post is random and all over the place. Here is a picture, before you read all of this crap.
This last year has been such a struggle for me. I have felt let down and disappointed over and over. Natalie's birth was nothing like I wanted it to be and I am still processing it. Of course I love her, and really wouldn't trade her for the boy I thought she was. And she is different than I thought she'd be. I wanted a lump-like baby, but she is busy. She gets all over the place by rolling and she's barely 5 months. She has grown out of her baby clothes quickly and I have donated them as fast as she has done that, because hanging on to them makes me sad. (Though I have a box of my favorite outfits to be given to family.) She wants to eat food, and I didn't want to give her any. I have been putting a little bit of food on her tray and she touches it, and puts it in her mouth. Last night she destroyed a piece of lettuce with just her gums.

The summer zipped by in a flurry of hot, hot days. I had plans for it, but none of them came to fruition.

Gwennie starting kindergarten was great for her. And as I stand on the playground with her in the morning, watching her plan and sweating like crazy, I know I don't want to move her partway through the school year.

And we still don't exactly know what is going on. Will is there, living his geo-bachelor life, coming home on the weekends (when he doesn't have drill in CA). Eventually we will go visit him there some weekends, too. But not yet.

Rhayn is here, and I feel like I am neglecting her, missing out on her. And most of the time she is a great person to talk to. But I take out my frustrations on her, and I feel like a terrible person. No, I am a terrible mom for doing that.

There are moments when our house feels like it is closing in on me. These do not happen often. Thankfully.

Natalie is 5 months old

2011-08-29T10:22:00.001-07:00

Silent Sunday

2011-08-28T16:58:00.001-07:00

Photo Friday- Cool

2011-08-26T20:11:00.002-07:00

In this never ending Arizona summer heat, we were able to stay COOL for just a little while today, thanks to a friend with a pool.

2011-08-23T12:56:00.003-07:00

"Mom on Star Trek, who has purple blood? They have those wrinkles on their heads."
"Klingons?"
"Look at Natalie, she is a Klingon"
"Very nice, Rhayn."
"And I am one of those guys with the pointy ears, this is a mind meld, you should give me pointy ears."
"I will. Oh I will."

Rules and Loneliness

2011-08-22T18:54:00.006-07:00

Its rather quiet at this moment. The big girls are playing nicely at the kitchen table (sure there was an early bedtime threatened if they fought) and for the moment Natalie is rolling around happily on the floor blowing raspberries.

We have some new school-time rules that we are trying to stick to. The main one is no television until Gwennie is in bed. Gwennie has so much trouble sleeping that I am willing to try darn near anything to help her be ready when that time of day hits. We're five minutes from that right now. Last week we did really well with the no t.v. rule, until she got sick. Then it was almost 24 hours of t.v. straight. This was followed by Daddy coming home and later nights and much television. Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night we rough and she didn't go to sleep until nearly 9pm. Last week she was falling asleep much earlier but now I wonder if it was due to her illness or not.

It is now 8:30, the girls are in bed, lights are out. I'm holding a sleeping baby and watching a show. I am lonely, really lonely. I loved having Will home this weekend and it reminds me of how much I love having us all here together.

Three Things I Recommend

2011-08-22T06:50:00.002-07:00

These are three things my girls and I use and love.

Kiss My Face Moisture Shave lotion. Currently using the unscented. I bought it on clearance and have totally fallen in love with the way it works. I haven't cut my legs since I started using it! (Only one small nick on my knee a few weeks ago.) I have a vanilla scented bottle, too. But you use so little that it lasts quite a while.

Organic Baby Raw Shea Moisture Soap for eczema, Frankincense and Myrrh scent. I love the smell in Natalie's soft baby hair. I bought just the soap bar at Target. I used to love the Baby Burt's Bees stuff but they changed the formula and I don't like the way it smells now. Lately I have been using this soap for myself. It is quite moisturizing, which is nice in the Arizona summer.

Thermos Insulated Water Bottles. I have left these, full of ice (yes there was still ice) water, in the car for at least 6 hours. This is in the Arizona summer, too! I wish they came in much bigger sizes, like 40 ounces, and still fit in my cup holder. I seriously love this water bottle. I bought it for Rhayn on clearance at Target, its only 18 ounces. It came with a bottle for hot liquids and I use that one for my water. It also stays icey cold but doesn't have a straw. Gwennie has a smaller one, and they come with many different designs with characters on them. Yes, they are pricey, about $20 for the 18 ounce version, but its worth it. Really worth it. Check out the clearance areas at Target, I bought 2 for $20.

Photo Friday- Desolate

2011-08-19T10:25:00.006-07:00

My cousin, Tiff and her son are doing a photo Friday adventure. I asked if I could join in. Unfortunately this Friday I have a sick child and can't leave my house to take a picture of this week's word.
But I have a perfect photo (or two) hidden away in my December 2008 folder, pictures that I took on our way to Sea World. We had stopped to grab a geocache near the California border.

des·o·late/ˈdesəlit/

Adjective: (of a place) Deserted of people and in a state of bleak and dismal emptiness.

Verb: Make (a place) bleakly and depressingly empty or bare.
It may be desolate, but it's strangely beautiful, this abandoned homestead.

In Which Gwennie Gets Sick

2011-08-18T16:27:00.002-07:00

Gwennie's fourth day of kindergarten and she was really excited to get to stay for nap care. We arrived at school, like we have every morning. She placed her lunch box and water bottle in their respective spots. She put on her hat and we went out to the play yard. She ran a little but kept telling me that she wanted to go back in the classroom because it was too hot.

It was hot, 95 at 8:00am? Yuck. I made her stay outside but she sat down at the table outside. She took off her hat. I kissed her sweaty head and told her goodbye. Then I went to Target to pick up a can opener. My mobile phone tucked into my purse (where I could not hear it) because I was wearing a skirt.

When I got home, there was a message. I assumed it was just another politician because in Arizona we have a mayoral election happening next week. They've really ramped up those calls, too. I hit play and heard "Hello, this is Ms. M from ___, your daughter Gwennie is feeling sick. She threw up and..." the message cut off. So I got out my mobile. Sure enough there was a message on there, too. Basically the same message. It didn't say "You need to come get her" it didn't say she was fine. I called the office and spoke to the secretary, who said she'd walk over to the kindergarten class and find out if I needed to come and pick her up. (The school does not have a loud speaker/intercom system. They do have phones in some of the classes but don't use them because they disrupt the class.)

A few minutes later I get a call from Ms. H. Gwennie had come in from outside and looked really pale. She told Ms. H that she felt sick and then threw up in the restroom. She took a rest on the floor while the other children had a snack but she was a little hungry. Ms. H asked her how she felt and she said she really didn't feel well and would like to go home. I said I would drive right over.

I picked her up, and upon walking into the classroom saw a sad sight. Gwennie, sitting at the table, her head down, surrounded by a class of children playing. She looked ok, but tired. She chatted a little on the way home, but told me that the class was too loud and it gave her a headache.

I called a friend to pick up Rhayn after school so I wouldn't have to drag a sick child to the school.

At home we watched Tangled on Netflix. Then some other shows. She didn't move at all. I gave her some bread, jell-o and lots of water. She got up to use the restroom and told me that she was dizzy. Then told me that it hurts to talk. This was followed by her falling asleep.

I took her temperature- 102.8.
And gave her more water.
And stroked her hot forehead with my cool, mama hand.
And looked at her sick little body, all covered in goosebumps and burning up.
Its been 2 hours, she is still burning up, still sleeping, and still sick.

I'm sure the rest of us will get sick now, too. Oh joy.

2011-08-18T14:15:00.009-07:00

What a deal!

2011-08-18T12:44:00.004-07:00

Check out these snazzy boots I found at a local kids resale store! How awesome are they? And the best part they are Tony Lama brand, which is a great Western boot brand. They were $13, leather and she loves them. (I swear I saw some like this on Amazon a few months ago. But I can't find them now. They retailed for about $70. I did see these on Ebay.)

20 Weeks Old

2011-08-16T13:46:00.007-07:00

Dear Nany,

I'm still searching for the perfect nickname for you. Right now we are calling you Nany (Nah nee). One of your big sister Rhayn's friends told me that Natalie doesn't "go" with Rhayn and Gwen. I know it doesn't "go". But its your name. I still think you look more like a Jadzia but that might be because I like that name more. Natalie is starting to grow on me more and more. You aren't crawling yet. (Whew!) But you roll all over the floor. I set you down and you will have rolled across the floor in a moment. You are fast. It makes you happy until you get stuck half under the couch. Just a minute ago you were stuck up against the ottoman. I really should keep the floor a little cleaner since you are rolling all over it AND picking up things to put in your mouth.

I found dog hair in your poop a few days ago. I am pretty sure you ate it and it made it all the way through you. Speaking of your poop, sweet girl, its mucousy. That link says its probably from a virus or teething. Makes sense. On Saturday you were so fussy. I could not put you down for more than 10 minutes before you would start crying again. I was extremely grateful for the wrap that day as we were having friends over for dinner and I needed to prepare food.

Back to your mad rolling skills, a few nights ago, after the bigs went to bed, we were watching some television. You were rolling around on the floor, talking a little. Then you weren't. You had fallen asleep and were quite happy about it.You still love your walker, and now your feet fully touch the floor. You don't take steps in it.
This is a picture of your freckle on your fat, left knee. Cute, no? Is it just me? I love to look at it.

Your sisters started school this week. Which means that in the mornings its just you and me. Today we went out and tried out some convertible car seats. There was only one that fit in our car properly so we ordered it in a pink and brown. Sure we could have gone with black or some other neutral color, but this is YOUR car seat. It will be with you for a long time and I spent a fair amount of money on it. Also I am embracing that you are a girl and that I have only girls. Its ok, things are pink and frilly. I read this article the other day about pink. She says she doesn't remember loving pink, but I do, I think my mom can attest to that. I remember loving pink and purple and being so happy to find things with unicorns on them, and sparkly? Oh man I loved sparkly. I was a girl through and through, but also? I loved mud and playing with my brothers. I can't wait to see what you are like. Because already I know that I love you immensely. You are also on the cusp of solid food. Ideally I would wait until you are a year old to introduce solids. Exclusively breast fed baby poop (again with the poop!) is so much easier to deal with. It stains but it doesn't smell too bad and its water soluble and comes out in the wash (since we do cloth diapers). But you really want food. In fact I've let you suck on a piece of cantaloupe, peach, and mango. You loved them all. Oh and yellow watermelon, too. I was eating some taco soup and let you have a lick off of the spoon. The main reason why I won't be feeding you solids just yet, is that you still can't sit up on your own. Its ok. Just another month and I am sure you will be spitting potatoes back at me.

But for now, I'll continue to let you taste my food while I make milk for you.

Your mama.

First Day of School, ever.

2011-08-15T11:01:00.006-07:00

Today Gwennie started kindergarten. She was so nervous last night and excited at the same time.

Rhayn helped her pick just the right top to go with her new cheetah skirt. We got to the school at 8, because Rhayn wanted to be early so that she could be in the back row this year. (We'll see if she is after school.) I made them stop to take a picture, and Gwennie wanted it to be by the big tree.After I forced Rhayn to pose with her little sister, we started walking to class. I wanted Gwennie's picture by the welcome sign, so Rhayn went on ahead.

Gwennie held my hand while we walked to her classroom. When we arrived the student couldn't go in yet, so we stood and waited. With the other children.

When Ms. H came out and welcomed her students. You could feel her fear about this. But as soon as she came into the classroom and put her stuff away she started to relax.

We walked around the play yard and she took her turn on the swings. We saw our friend A feeding and watering the chickens.
Gwennie felt hot so we went back inside. She rested for a few minutes and the classroom helper, Ms. D asked if anyone wanted to help in the kitchen. Gwennie raised her hand and offered to help. I wonder if its easier for her to be around adults since she has spent so much of her life with me? Anyway she seemed to enjoy helping Ms. D.

Then came circle time, with morning verse. Which on the first day of school is followed by the Rose Ceremony. Gwennie held hands with her class as they walked over. She sat near one of her classmates and they whispered secrets through the introductions.
After the rose ceremony, she walked back to her classroom. Ms. D told me that she will be the kitchen helper for the day. I gave her a quick kiss and said goodbye. I held my tears as I walked away.Now I am sitting at my oh-so-quiet house, in another hour I will leave to pick her up. And I can not wait to hear about how her day went.

2011-08-15T06:44:00.003-07:00

Last night I went to bed and looked over at Gwennie in her twin bed, side-carred to mine. Her face sweetly relaxed with sleep. When I put her to bed she was so wound up bouncing and flipping and excited about school.

But she fell asleep easily. And I lovingly watched her sleep for a moment and thought of her day to come.

She is starting school in the morning, I thought and couldn't believe how big she's gotten. I feel like I should have done more to celebrate this day.

But its here and in a few hours she'll be in her class, with her new teachers and her new friends.

And we are all excited about it!

Silent Sunday- Upcycled Slippers

2011-08-14T10:18:00.003-07:00

For Gwennie, for school.

First Day of school skirt

2011-08-13T16:03:00.002-07:00

On Tuesday we went shopping. Rhayn wanted a skirt for the first day of school. She saw lots of them that she liked. But they were all too short. She's 10, she's not 17. She wanted a Catholic school girl, plaid skirt. She tried on a few others that weren't plaid, but we never found any that she loved and I was ok with.
After quite a few stores I told her that we could sew one for her easily. I had quite a bit of fabric for her to choose from but she didn't love any of it.
Then I thought of a dress I had in the "giveaway bin". I brought that down and asked her if she liked it and if so I showed her how we could modify it, from a dress to a top and skirt. She really liked that idea.
We figured out the length of the skirt and cut it. Then I took a gray t-shirt that I didn't wear any more and sewed a yoga-style waistband. The waistband didn't hold up the skirt and I had to add elastic.
But she is quite pleased with the outcome and it goes nicely with one of the tops she picked out.

You will have to wait for the first day of school for a picture of the outfit.

2011-08-10T19:01:00.004-07:00

We have only a few days left before school starts. Although I am totally looking forward to them going, I am also feeling sad and nostalgic. .

Rhayn is going into 5th grade. I clearly remember my own 5th grade year. I started noticing boys in that grade. In fact I recall this one boy- Ray- who was always so nice to me. But I also recall having a sleepover at my best friend's house and for fun we recorded ourselves farting into her cassette player. Over and over again. Classy, eh?

I can't believe she's come so far from this little girl who started Kindergarten 5 years ago (and just because- here is Gwennie 5 years ago!)

Gwennie will be in kindergarten. At this school they go to, its a half day and all play. She is going to have so much fun while she transitions away from being home with me. She has her supplies ready, rubber boots for gardening, slippers to wear in the classroom, a sun hat for outside play, and her first day outfit. She wants to be girly for school. I can not wait to take her first day of school picture!

And I will get to have some time alone with Natalie and coffee dates once a week with my friends.

I need to just take deep breaths and try to live in the moment... because its all going by so fast.

Childhood Fears and Sleep

2011-08-09T07:13:00.005-07:00

"I'm scared of the green guy" she whimpered, hiding under her blanket. It was after 9pm, and once again Gwennie was wide awake in her room. Actually she had been in Rhayn's room, but I told her that she needed to sleep her in own room.

I have tried everything I can think of to get her to sleep in her room, alone. I wanted to transition her to her own room before Natalie came along. It didn't happen because I was so tired and it was too much work. Rhayn had so easily transitioned at 4 1/2. With Gwennie, we've tried over and over to move her into that room.

She was doing ok, sleeping in there, maybe not easily, but she was doing it. Then it changed.

I think it happened right around the time that Will started his new job, but I'm not sure. I had talked to her a few times, I've yelled, and threatened. She lost a Friday Summer Movie because she wouldn't stay in there (follow through with the threat). But it still didn't keep her in there.

She'd slink down the stairs and come around the corner, sometimes after only a few minutes in her room, "mom?" Her voice would be soft. But then I would yell at her to go back to bed. "FINE!" she would yell, "I just wanted to tell you something!" Her eyes filled with tears and she would go upstairs and cry, a loud, dramatic screaming, cry.

Its miserable. Nighttime is not relaxing.

Will thinks she needs exercise, that maybe she just has too much energy. I think she is afraid or something. Last night was the first time she has really told me what she was/is scared of.

I understand stupid, unfounded fears. I have a few. Rhayn was terrified of "dommies" (zombies) when she was little. I was scared of ghosts and mirrors in the night. My cousin had, what we both swear was a haunted, mirror in her room. The dark terrified me, and I never had Gwennie's same problem, because my sister and I shared a room. In fact, I clearly recall as a tweener telling my sister scary stories so that she would sleep with me. I didn't want to sleep alone.

So why am I fighting Gwennie so hard? Why am I trying to force her to sleep alone even though I know how scary it is for her?

What can I do to help her? For now, she is back in my room, on a twin bed pushed up to mine. (Yes my room is turning into a huge bed.) I am ok with this, because for now she seems to need it. Though she wants me to be up there with her, when I want more than anything to have an hour to myself at night.

A possible solution (that I found while googling and writing this post) is Melatonin. I read this article on Medscape.com. It talks about studies done on children with severe sleep disturbances. I don't think that is her problem. But the children were almost all helped by it. I am reading up on side affects, too.

I wonder if her sleep issues also stem from anxiety. If so would an increase in melatonin help her? What about some herbal remedy or placebo?

This is hard.
And by this, I mean parenting.

Weekly Gratitude

2011-08-08T06:54:00.004-07:00

Taken before we dropped him off at the airport, but look at those smiles.

This week I am grateful

~that this is the last of the Army schools. We have had a couple of really rough months, with a lot of back and forth and stress. These next 2 weeks mark the end of that. After that we can start our new normal and maybe even make some plans for the future.

~for one week left of summer. School starts in one week and the girls are quite excited!

~for good books. I am currently reading the Mortal Instrument series. Totally great and lent to me by a friend, so I don't have to wait for the library to have the next one! I am on book 3, with more to go.

Hall of Flame

2011-08-07T09:38:00.006-07:00

On Saturday we celebrated Will being home (for one whole day) by going to the Hall of Flame in Tempe. This is a really cool museum filled with the history of fighting fires. The museum lends you a black binder that tells about all of the displays. We didn't get to read much, because the girls were pressing us forward. I would have liked to read more about some of the more fascinating items.

The museum is set up so that you start by seeing the really old fire fighter things, like hand pulled carts/water pumps. Many from the 1800s. Some were pulled by horses, and of course Gwennie loved the fake horse that they had on display to show how the carts were pulled. She did not like that the horse had no mane, though. See how they use fire hydrants to hold up the chains? Such a cool idea!
This cart was really shiny and had so many things going on. Many of them were much more plain and simple. One room was filled with display cases of helmets, some of the earliest ones were made of leather and sewn together. The helmets were from all over the world and for the past few centuries. Many German and Japanese helmets were included.

There was a real firetruck to climb on and real firefighter clothes and hats to put on. We all dressed up.Even me, I was the chief. Here is one of those trampoline things you see in the movies when the people jump out of burning buildings! So cool.
Towards the end there is a play area for the kids. They had this small fire truck with dress-up clothes in Gwennie's size which she enjoyed a lot more than dressing up in the adult-sized clothes (did I mention those jackets are heavy?) There was a pole (like in the movies) for sliding down. But Rhayn had to show her mad climbing skills by going up to hit a board that was sort of at the top. It must be to stop kids from climbing that pole to the ceiling, since this room also houses fire trucks, so it has vaulted ceilings. Will also had to show his mad skills, though it was a lot easier for him, since he is bigger.
And Gwennie wanted to do it as well. Only it took her a lot of tries before she made it to the top. But she finally did and then she had to show us a few more times.
After the pole climbing, we looked at the wild fire room, and headed out of the museum. I had been craving a curry for a while, with all of the fixings (papadum, chutneys, pakora, raita, soups and kheer) so we headed to Pasand for their buffet. It was delicious and Natalie was well behaved at the restaurant enough that we were all able to enjoy our tasty lunch.

It was a great day out! For dinner, Rhayn made us all her specialty- lemony, pan-seared shrimp with pasta.