Wedding

Last night we went to the wedding reception of a man who used to be a boy that I babysat on Friday nights so that his parents could attend football games. He and his brothers were a handful, but having 3 younger brothers of my own I was well prepared for them.
My parents and youngest brother and his family came, too. My mom had "borrowed" Gwennie for a few days and we picked her up there. My brother has 2 boys, the smallest is 4 months old. Check out how alike these sweet cousins are. I hope they will be good friends. I am sure they will enjoy each other.
We were all dressed up so we tried to get a few family pictures. There was much dancing. Including a "Love Train" that Will and I joined in. It was hard to hang on to the "Love Train" when one arm is filled with a baby! But it was enjoyable. The girls did some serious dancing, too.

My 4 week old and a little TMI about me at the end.

Natalie is 4 weeks and a couple of days old. Yikes, time is just zipping by at warp speed. I have figured out a few things about my youngest daughter recently.

She sleeps best alone. This kills me. Yes, I am still co-sleeping/bed-sharing with her. It works best for middle of the night nursing, but unlike my cuddle bug Gwennie, Natalie sleeps better if I am near, but not quite touching, her. She naps best and for longer if I lay her on the couch and just let her sleep.

She often wraps her feet together when she is sleeping. I know those heels caused me a lot of grief for the last 4 weeks of her gestation. But it looks really cute now.She smiles at me. Mostly just at me. I pick her up and hold her like we are about to have milk and she'll smile big at me. But its nearly impossible to get a picture of it. I tried this morning. I have about ten blurry pictures of her sweet face.

She can lift her head up really well when she is semi upright, like in a boppy or when you are holding her in the recliner. She can not however lift her head up when she is laying on her stomach. This makes her very mad and she will squawk about it until you help her roll over or pick her up.
Natalie is a busy girl. She probably won't be another "BFB" (big fat baby) which makes me a little sad. However she does have some lovely chunk rolls on her legs. She is in the 95th percentile for length and 80th for weight, proving she is quite a big lovely girl. And that is perfectly fine.

(TMI ALERT!)
I have overdone it this week, because I am bleeding again. I remember that I bled on and off for 6 weeks with both girls so this isn't a big deal. But I had stopped for 2 full days then we went to Costco and that pushed me over the edge. I've even had a little cramping. Boo.

I am so done with the bleeding because wearing pads all of the time in the warmth is giving me "swamp butt" which has irritated my backside and totally made me itch. like. crazy. Remember pruritis ani? Yup back in full force. I have to powder my hiney to keep from wanting to claw my bum off. Luckily the 'roids are almost completely gone. I think that they were partially the cause of the pruritis ani, because they hurt so maybe I wasn't keeping it totally dry down there. This caused moisture build up and now itchy itchy itchy. I am miserable and almost ready to go back to the doctor about it.

Are You a Busy Mom?

"How old is your baby?" her voice came from a couple stalls over. It was a harsh voice, like a 50 year smoker, and not the voice I had expected from the older woman who had walked into the restroom in front of Gwennie and I at Costco.

"She is a month old," I replied while pulling up my pants and trying to decide if I would hang out in the restroom until Natalie was done nursing. I don't make it a habit of nursing in restrooms. In fact I am a huge fan of NIP (nursing in public) because Gwennie was an easy nursling. Natalie? She is noisy and messy and she will pop on and off the breast multiple times in one nursing session. Then, just for fun, she'll spit up all over me. I really hope that as she gets older she'll be "better" at it. She is a decent nurser, but Gwennie was so much more... efficient.

"Are you a busy mom?" the gravely voice spoke up again. This question gave me pause. Am I? Sure I was at Costco with a little baby and a 5 1/2 year old (who had to pee for the 2nd time since we had arrived.) I don't really consider myself "busy". I don't over schedule my kids, in fact I rarely schedule any extracurricular activities for them.*

I paused for a moment before answering her "Yes, of course, I'm a mom." Of course I am busy, but I am busy enjoying life and not filling every spare moment trying to keep my kids occupied. I am busy watching my kids grow. I am busy spending time with good friends. I am busy sitting in my recliner holding my small (but long) baby girl because she'll only be a newborn/infant for a short time and I want to soak it all up.

*This is partly because I feel stress and anxiety when I have too much going on.

Hey Jealousy

I'm not feeling gratitude today. Yes there are good things in my life and I am trying to focus on them. But I have this overwhelming feeling of doom right now. I have even gone to bed the last few nights with the fear that I would die in the night. What is that all about?

I am paranoid about the noises Natalie makes when she breaths sometimes. I worry about the swelling on her skull. I panic a little when she spits up profusely and it covers the front of me or soaks the prefold diaper that she sleeps on (because she spits up so often day and night).

She has a well child check up tomorrow. I didn't take Gwennie to the doctor unless she was actually sick until she was 9 months old. Well, I did take her in for the 1 week check up. I never worried about her health. So why am I so worried about Natalie? I do not like this feeling at all.

I think some of this worry and anxiety is interfering with how I function. Often instead of being productive while she sleeps, I will obsessively check her. She actually naps longer if I don't hold her.

I am not sure if I should worry about these feelings or not. Are they normal? Are they something that is associated with postpartum depression? Am I slowly going crazy?

Maybe what I really need is a good night's sleep...

Silent Sunday- Easter Eve

Garden

Tomatoes, 5 plants, all different varieties. There are many small fruit waiting to turn shades of red, pink and purple.

Sweet Corn, I know I should thin them out. An eggplant growing in the front.

Two varieties of beans, blooming.

A rose in the front yard.

Please reconnect my voice to my brain.

I feel so disconnected from the world, from my family, from my husband. I don't like it at all. I know that this, for me, is part of recovering from birth and being a new mom (again). I am not sleeping very much and even if I nap, its not as much sleep as my body was used to.

I feel like the walking dead, a zombie, but instead of asking for brains, I am just staring into space. People talk to me and I feel like I can barely look at them. At my grandma's 90th birthday hoopla, so many people came up and talked to me. I would attempt to talk back, but I really had a hard time focusing on them and what they were saying (sorry Tiff!)

Instead of being a loving, listening wife, I feel like I am barely absorbing anything Will tells me right now. He has been quite busy and he is telling me about it. I want to respond to him, but feel like I am in a bubble of silence. I may even have something to say to him, like I walk into his office to tell him something, but nothing comes out of my mouth and I just walk away. I feel stuck in my own head. I feel like Beevus or Butthead, huh huh huh huhhuhhuhhuh. DUH.

This is not good. Really I need to get out of this... this... funk. Only its not like depression or even a real lack of sleep. Natalie is actually a good sleeper, once she is asleep which has been no later than 9:30 the last week. So I don't know what is going on.

Maybe my higher brain function was flushed out of me in the amniotic fluid that poured out? Maybe it was somehow attached to my placenta? (Which I have a picture of... they fascinate me, oh and its in my freezer.) But I think this started just before she was born.

Ugh. I can write out exactly what I want to say and how I feel but actually SAYING it, out loud? Its not happening.

Tangled

My mom always kept my hair short when I was a child. I thought she was just mean or lazy, it turns out that fine hair does not do well when it gets long. Unless I have a lot of time to fight with Gwennie about her hair, its best to keep it short.

Only for a while now, Gwennie wanted long hair like her cousin Madder. We also watched the movie "Tangled" and she was inspired to have long golden hair like Rapunzel (since her hair is golden already!) It was fine for a time, but recently has become a battle, a daily battle. Her hair is quite fine in the back and unless iits brushed a few times a day is starts to look like this.
She asked for a hair cut. I asked her what she would like. "A pixie cut like Rhayn," was her reply.
"I'm sorry honey, that is not happening, what if we..." and I rambled off a few cuts that I felt would better suit her. Today we finally got around to her hair cut. She was excited. She likes to sit in the chair. I am pretty sure its because she has a captive audience in her hair dresser. She talk non-stop to anyone who will listen. Just a little while after she looked like the above, she came out of the Super Cuts looking like this:And I think it fits her just fine.

Natalie is 3 Weeks Old

Dear Natalie,

You are 3 weeks old. For three whole weeks you have been in the outside world, adjusting to breathing and stretching. You, like all babies, are amazing. You are already changing so much, becoming a little person, with likes and dislikes.

Every day I am awed by everything you can do. Unlike Gwennie who rarely (if ever) cried, you found your voice early and use it often. Luckily your cry isn't piercing nor is it loud. You are not always content to lay in my arms, but you are almost always contented by the *wrap. If you are fussing this has proven to be a sure fire way to calm you and put you to sleep. (In fact you are currently snoozing away in it while I type this!)You prefer to be upright. This makes sense because you are also a spit-up queen. Gwennie rarely spit up, but you my dear have even projectile puked. It doesn't matter if I burp you or not, and it isn't every time you eat. I am pretty sure that I need to avoid marinara sauce (like I had to with Gwennie) because it seems to cause you gassy issues as well as greenish poo. I am sure you will be fine with it later, but right now, you are sensitive to it.

Your eyes aren't blue yet. There is still hope that they will remain brown. Though with my track record, I am not calling them brown yet. Gwennie's eyes were definitely turning blue by 3 weeks. See what I mean? You look a lot like her, but also a lot like your biggest sister, Rhayn. Especially in the eyebrow area. You and Rhayn have gotten your Dad's scowl. I used to think he was angry all of the time, but it turns out that he can't help it as a scowl is his "default" expression. Both you and Rhayn were born scowling. There is this little crease/wrinkle that you both had at birth between your eyebrows that I am sure your dad had when he was born, too. Gwennie wasn't born with it, though she looks the most like Dad. To sleep, prefer your stomach. I don't blame you. I am a stomach sleeper, too. If I put you on your stomach for a nap, you may sleep for 2 hours. If I try your side or back I will be lucky if you sleep for 30 minutes. I check on you often while you sleep like this. I think that since you spit up a lot (even in your sleep) that putting you on your stomach alleviates some off the discomfort. Plus you don't choke on your spit up though you often wake in a pool of it.

I can not believe how much I love you, as well as your sisters. I knew that my heart would expand to love you all, but knowing it and actually feeling it are different. Someday you will find out how much I wanted you to be a boy. I always thought I would have sons if I ever had kids at all. But I ended up with three of the most beautiful girls. Three girls who will fill our lives with joy, drama, pride and sorrow. Three girls who will at time love and hate each other. Right now, your older sisters are so enamored with you it is almost 100% love. Though it has been a huge adjustment for Gwennie, who was the baby of our family for 5 long years.

There are so many other things I want to write about you, like how excited you get by my breasts. Its awesome to be able to give that to you, like I did for Gwennie. I will always feel like I failed Rhayn just a little by not supplying her with breast milk for longer than 3 weeks, but pumping is hard work and I was suffering from post partum depression after her birth. Though at the time I had no idea that is what it was.

I love you, Natalie. No matter what or who you become.

~mama

*My wrap isn't a Moby, its just a 20 inch wide 5 yard long piece of jersey that I cut when I was pregnant with Gwennie.

Gratitude

This week I am feeling grateful for~

~a baby who took a nice long nap today so that I could finally tackle some of the upstairs mess. Whew, it was really starting to get to me. I avoided looking at our toy room as much as possible because I felt overwhelmed and anxious whenever I looked in that room.

~Netflix finally getting Glee season 1 on instant play! Whoo hoo! I have spent much of the last week watching it. I really enjoy it though I still can't call myself a "Gleek" because that involved saliva and spitting/saliva (but not baby drool) grosses me out more than anything else I can think of.

~huge green plants in my garden. Its awesome. Also loving that my pomegranate tree has a couple of blossoms on it, even if one was accidentally bumped off this weekend.

~kids who played together so nicely yesterday. Rhayn and Gwennie were so cute. This weekend Rhayn helped Gwennie "learn" to climb the tree. I did have to stop them from climbing too high up, the branches can only support them to a certain height. When they sit up in the tree it really reminds me of my childhood. My brothers and I spent quite a lot of time in the upper branches of our mulberry trees.

Silent Sunday

Feed me.

All I think about is food. I remember the insatiable nursing a newborn hunger, so this isn't a surprise at all for me. During this pregnancy I was rarely hungry. I craved very few thing including sauteed mushrooms, bacon and orange chicken, though not together thankfully!

But now? I can not stop thinking of food. I want to eat. Right now I wish I had a pumpkin pie loaded with whipped cream. I want it enough I am seriously considering making it. I know it would go over well. I only wish I had cheater dough (making pie crust is a pain). I also don't have any whipped cream (or whipping cream). But that is easily remedied. Then again, there are a million recipes that I would gladly make, and eat, and almost all of them are desserts. Mmm, dessert.

On the subject of nursing. OW! I do not remember it hurting for Gwennie to latch on. I wonder if Natalie is latching too shallowly? It only hurts for about 5 seconds, and then it will hurt a little when my milk lets down (on both sides, right before the side she is not nursing from starts to pour milk.) Gwennie nursed for nearly 3 years, there is no way I would have made it that long if it hurt every time she latched on. So I wonder how long will it hurt? Or is it just that Natalie is a different kind of nurser?

Natalie is sleeping right now. She usually takes a couple of decent naps during the day. I was counting on her morning one and started going through Gwennie's clothes. Only Natalie did not cooperate. In fact she only slept about 45 minutes before she woke up and fussed and wanted to nurse again. She has been asleep since about 1pm, but I also laid with her and napped. I am attempting to make myself nap with her after lunch, because I was feeling so tired all of the time.

Gross

I woke up this morning, showered and even washed my hair. I took Rhayn to school and Gwennie, Natalie and I got out to go see the animals. Then Natalie started fussing and attempting to latch on to my arm. We sat down near the animals on a straw bale to nurse, while Gwennie fed grass and leaves to Apollo and Cocoa (two of the goats).

I picked Natalie up, and before I could burp her, she spit up about 1/2 a cup of breastmilk all down the front of me. The warm liquid pooled in my clean bra and soaked into the left cup as well as down the front of my green tank top.

Awesome I thought. At least I had a rebozo on so that covered up the wetness (its even the same one pictured in that).

When I got home I didn't change my clothes. Now I really smell like old spit up. I should change my shirt and bra.

Pretty Girl

New Name?

My blog needs a new name. We are no longer 3 snakes and a rooster, we've added a rabbit to the family. But "Three Snakes, a Rooster and a Rabbit" doesn't have the same ring to it. I am drawing a total blank on names.

I would love some suggestions. Maybe something about girls, maybe not? Anything...

On a side note, we weighed Miss Natalie today and she is 9 pounds 9ish ounces. Growing perfectly despite her spitting up more than Rhayn and Gwennie did put together,

2 weeks old

I can not believe its been 2 weeks already. This little girl has been a much harder newborn in many ways. I was mistaken in thinking that I was an awesome mom to newborns because both Rhayn and Gwennie were easy. Lets just say, I got lucky with them. I think Natalie has a touch of colic. I know it could be a lot worse, as she is only fussy for a short while. If I had no other responsibilities this wouldn't be a big deal either. We'd just adjust our day to start later. This is not the case, though.

Natalie has a fussy time at night. Last night was fairly rough, I was downstairs watching tv with Will and she fell asleep. I thought "yay! Now I can go to bed." I lay her down and went to brush my teeth. As soon as I lay down she started fussing. This continued for about an hour and a half. She would settle down so we would lay down and she'd start fussing again. She was fine as long as we were pacing or rocking. But my body was aching and it hurt to pace with her. She'd latch on an nurse for a second or two, then she would start fighting my breast and pulling, pushing and arching her back away from me. It hurts as those milk bags are attached to me and still not fully used to being yanked on like that. (They hurt less now than they did just a few days ago and will continue to be less sensitive every day.)

All I wanted was to fall asleep and that was not going to happen. Its funny because my niece, Madder, had colic and I remember feeling afraid while I was pregnant that this little one would have it. I thought I was being silly. And no, I know its really not so bad. I know she will eventually outgrow this fussiness. Eventually this too shall pass.

And eventually I'll sleep well again.

Notice the 2 sweet sleeping pictures I posted? She looks so perfect when she sleeps and she sleeps well during the day and on her belly. I know, I know, back to sleep, but she spits up less this way and stays asleep longer. Poor little fuss pot.

Gratitude

This week I am grateful for~

~Will coming home early. Seriously the best news at the best time. You have no idea how much less stressed I feel. Friday night I nearly lost my mind. I was so tired, so ready to run away from everything.
~The cool weekend that we just had complete with rain. I love rain.
~A family party. I loved seeing all of my mom's side of the family (or at least a very large chunk of them!) Even though I felt out of it and was quiet (I am almost always quiet) it was great just to see all of those amazing people.
~The knowledge that soon I will come out of this post-birth haze and feel human again. Right now I am struggling just to make it through each day. When I talk to people I feel sort of... high. It feels like I've taken 3 benadryl and am trying to function through that.
~ Sleep.

Our Weekend

Yesterday morning I was taking my time getting up and going. I knew we needed to be at my grandma's party at 11, but thought "I have time to sit here". Only I didn't really have the time. I forgot to add the baby factor in. Then at 9 the phone rang. It was Will. He said they were sending him home early. I felt a huge sigh of relief. I was not ready to be single mom to 3 kids. I thought I could do it, but I was in a constant state of dread.

We made it to the party late since I had to find a ride for Will (Thanks to SK!) and get gas. At the gas station Natalie was crying so we parked and I nursed her. It was drizzling all the way so I drove slowly. We made it just a little late.

The party was nice. I didn't take any pictures the whole day. So if anyone has any good pictures of me or the girls send them my way, please.
Today we took a family trip to the botanical garden. It was perfect outside, just cool enough that it felt great to be in the sun. Natalie slept in the wrap the whole time and that was awesome. I had so many people take a peek at her or ask about the baby. It was nice, but after just about 40 minutes my body was tired. I trekked on, knowing that it was good for us to be out. My bottom aches a bit again. (Stupid 'roids.)

Sleep and Pain

This sucks...
Yes, I am going to complain, again. I am so totally tired that I can barely think straight.

Natalie did the same thing again last night. We would lay down to sleep and she would pop up wide awake 5 minutes later. I would have time to think about dozing off and BAM! she was up. She would nurse for a minute and then start fighting it. She wanted to be upright, and not just propped upright, HELD upright. I did get a little bit of time in there, she let me prop her up and she stared at the fan while I cleaned up my room a little. But only because I felt like I was going to lose it if she did. not. sleep. soon. Not like "I'm going to hurt my baby" more like I am going to scream along with her and then cry until my eyes bleed. I felt so uncomfortable that I was tossing and turning when she finally did fall asleep (at midnight). Uncomfortable because I am over tired and also because...

My 'roid (only one of them) is throbbing. Is that normal? I mean it. hurts. all. of. the. time. No matter what I have done for pain relief, it hurts. Ice packs? Sitting on one right now. Witch hazel- doesn't help any. Warm baths help temporarily, like while I am in there. I think that the other part of "down there" hurts, too. But the 'roid pain is so bad that I can't think past it. Like so bad it WAKES ME UP AT NIGHT, like I need that. I am sure walking around today didn't help, but sitting makes it hurt, too.

Excuse me while I burst into tears, again. This is really hard. And I need to go get Rhayn from school in a few minutes... when what I really want to do is lay on the couch and rest. Only the house? She is a mess and that keeps me from relaxing, too.

At least tomorrow is Saturday so I don't need to get up at 6 to start the day. If I am late to my grandma's party... I'll feel badly but I will get there... eventually.

Rambling Instead of Sleeping

I feel like a mess. Its nearly 9 pm and I do not want to go to bed though I am exhausted. I can feel the tears that want to pour down my face burning just behind my eyelids.

Will is gone, dropping him off this time was miserable. Instead of being able to enjoy him the past few days I feel like I have totally ignored him. I feel so disconnected from him, from "us" and I don't like it. I know that part of it is adjusting to having this sweet little baby. He has been so amazingly helpful and awesome. He's picked up all of the things I haven't really been able to do.

I am terrified that Natalie and I are going to go to bed and she is going to fuss like she did last night. I am worried that Lily will be obnoxious at 3am again. I really would love to take a bath and let my muscles relax. She is asleep right now, but will she stay that way through a diaper change, and while I get ready for bed?

Rhayn told me that she wants to feel better so that she can help me. That made me want to cry. Gwennie is having a really hard time sleeping right now. Its been hard for her to adjust from being my baby to being "the middle child". Last night I was sitting there, while Natalie was fussing and I looked over at Gwennie, with her 5 year old face, looking so big. Her face holds none of the baby Gwennie.

Last night was rough. At a little after nine I went upstairs to go to bed. Natalie was sleepy but not yet asleep, so I figured we would lay in bed and nurse while I read (I am re-reading Twilight if you must know.) So we settled in for that. Only within moments, Natalie was fussing at the breast. She was fighting it like crazy. I knew she wasn't starving, having spent a good portion of the last 1/2 hour downstairs nursing. I also wasn't having a serious letdown that could be bothering her. I had no idea what was wrong.

I burped her and lay her over my side in case her tummy was gassy. After a little while she dozed off. But then we repeated that- fuss, nurse, fuss, burp, sleep, fuss, for about an hour. At 11 I started walking around. I had turned on the television, given up on reading about Bella's love for Edward and his total perfection, and was zoning out on Rachel's infatuation with Joey (watching Friends season 9). I attempted to swaddle her with a Kiddopotamus swaddling blanket that my sister had given me, thinking it might help. She liked her bottom half in the blanket, in fact she is still happily swaddled in it now, but she did not like having her hands in it. She likes her hands up by her face.She pooped a couple of times and seemed to feel better after we went through 3 diapers. But was still fussy if we lay down on the bed. Finally I ended up dragging my lazyboy to the side of the tv, so I could watch it and rock her. I'm not sure when she finally fell asleep but I had also dozed off in the chair. I woke up a little after midnight, my neck hurting and she was sound asleep. I moved us both into the bed fingers crossed that she would remain sleeping and thankfully she did.

Around 3 am, she was still sleeping but Lily decided that she needed to go outside. I ignored her for a while, but she got progressively more annoying the longer I ignored her. She ran up and down the stairs, entering the bedroom whining around the bed, stopping on both sides to whine and whimper. Now you may ask why Will didn't get up with her. Honestly I don't know. But he doesn't sleep upstairs with me. Our bed is really uncomfortable and hurts his back (it is too soft even for me.) We don't currently have money to replace it, so for now, he sleeps on the couch. He is much better at ignoring Lily than I am. I don't know how, as she can be very persistent.

I didn't get a whole lot of sleep. But I still popped up, wide awake, just after 6 am. Not fun.

At 7, Will woke up Rhayn. She looked awful when she came downstairs. I asked her what was wrong and she mentioned that she threw up, and her throat and head hurt. I took her temperature, which was fine. I had her sit at the table and try to eat some breakfast. She didn't feel any better after that. So I sent her back to bed. Usually when she is sick, she lays on the couch all day and watches tv. I don't know if I'll let her do that. I may have her stay in her room because if she starts feeling better right away and wants to come out, then she probably was faking sick (which she has tried a few times.)

Today is also "Army day", as in Will is leaving for duty for 9 days. I am trying not to feel anxious about that, but I can not help it. I am worried about dealing with all three girls on my own while he is gone. I am worried about driving Rhayn to school, getting groceries, making sure we are all fed, while he is gone.

Thankfully I was able to dodge the mastitis bullet, I did end up with a fever of 103.7 at its height but it broke early the next morning. I took a couple of hot baths with warm compresses on my breasts and by the next day (Wednesday) had no fever at all. Whew! The last thing I needed was to be that sick and dealing with everything around here. I have decided that I will take it easy, sure the house is a mess, but I will clean only enough to make it less stressful, until I feel 100%. I feel pretty good physically, my crotch is healing nicely, my 'roids are slowly going away. I am feeling hungry again and able to eat nearly everything. (Pass me a bean burrito, please!) Life is really looking up there.

Now to just make it through the next few weeks.

1 week old

This morning I awoke long before the sun came up. This is not abnormal since Natalie joined us, but this morning it was different. My breasts were hard and throbbing, I was shivering uncontrollably, and I looked at the clock it was almost 3am.

One week ago, I was getting ready to push her out. One week ago, I was in a totally different kind of pain. One week ago, my body was doing an amazing thing. I lay in the dark, and looked at her. This small person that one week ago I hadn't really even met. I pulled her to me and held her closely as I thought about how sweet she is.

She is a lot like Gwennie as a newborn. But she cries more. She can go from a little whimpering cry to a full blown scream in moments if we don't pay attention to her. She is already too long for most of the newborn clothes. Thanks to Aunt Brie we have plenty of 0-3 month clothes for her to wear.

Yesterday was her first trip out of the house. I took her to the doctor for her newborn check. She was weighed (8 pounds 13.4 ounces) and measured (22 1/4 inches long) and her head circumference taken (36.5 cm). She was not happy about the cold room an being naked. Also her umbilical cord slimed me. We didn't use alcohol on it, instead we used goldenseal powder on it which doesn't dry it out quite the same. I was a little worried about it, so the doctor looked at it and had another doctor verify that it was in fact, just fine.

Natalie did just fine in the car, too. She slept the whole ride there and back. I only heard a little squawk from her once which made me worry because we were stuck on the interstate in traffic. Not fun. But she settled right back down.

This morning I checked Natalie's diaper and looked at her umbilical cord stump. It was barely hanging on. We went downstairs and I sat down on the floor to change her diaper. The stump had fallen off on our way downstairs. I didn't look for it, but I am pretty sure that Lily disposed of it. (Gross.) I can not believe that she is growing up so fast.

I have a fever today, its not quite 100 but its making me feel miserable. Actually its my breasts that are making me miserable. Sigh.

Gratitude

I have so much to be grateful this week. The best things in my life right now are~
~No longer being pregnant. Though I have other issues now, and when it was nearly time to give birth I was scared to death and worried that I wasn't really ready. But we all made it through that trial. I am a little sad about it. I'll never be pregnant again, never feel a baby moving within me. But this pregnancy was so hard and caused me so much grief that at the moment I am enjoying that.
~A healthy and perfect baby. Yes, she is a girl, but now that she is here I can't imagine what it would be like if she had been a boy. Like I told Will, I was surprised that she was a girl, but I would have been flat out shocked had she been a boy. Natalie is so beautiful. She looks just enough like her sisters, rather like a combination of them, even though she also looks just like her dad (of course, his genes trump mine totally.)
~A lovely 10 year old who wanted to sit and hold her baby sister, all. day. long. It was really helpful and appreciated. She changed a diaper without being asked. Then when it was bed time, she held Natalie and read board books to her (Brown Bear, Brown Bear) and it was so sweet. (Alas the camera was far away and my bottom will not allow me to run just yet.)
~A sweet 5 year old who is adjusting as well as she can to no longer being the baby. Its been rough on her. I know that, and I am trying to keep her routine now that I am feeling "human again".
~An awesome husband. (As Gwennie would say- "Daddy Rocks!") He has been an amazing help. this week. I could not have made it without him. He has also made me feel better about myself a few times when I really needed it.
~A garden. I need to post pictures of it. There are big lush tomato plants and everything looks so happy. Even my grape vines are flourishing and I was so sure they died when we had a really hard freeze. Instead they are covered in green leaves and headed upward.

Silent Sunday

Drooling Dog

Oh please let me have the burger... please.

Can't you see how much I want that bite of hamburger?
In the end she did get the bite of hamburger.

3 Days Old

Gwennie holding her on Wednesday. Gwennie loves her new sister!

Natalie is getting more alert every day. She still sleeps and eats constantly, but occasionally she will be wide awake and we get to see this beautiful face. I am hopeful that these dark, baby-gray eyes will turn brown as she gets bigger. But I know its likely that they will lighten up and be green, gray or blue. She looks a lot like Gwennie did as a newborn. Not identical that is for sure. Natalie has darker hair than Gwennie had, but not much.

Mild Cases

I promise today to take some pictures of Natalie. Or at least to post a few of the ones we have taken- later. I know I've written a lot but what people really want are sweet new-baby pictures to look at as opposed to words about my 'roids. But I will say that I pooped this morning and man I feel soooo much better. I almost laughed about it, but I still have a couple of little tears on my nether regions that really hurt.

My milk came in last night. OOOOWWWWW. Holy mother of all that is holy, I forgot how heavy your breasts can feel when they are hugely filled with the nectar of the gods. She has almost mastered nursing in the night laying down. Once my breasts (and nether regions) no longer hurt, I think life will be awesome. She has NO problems latching on. None at all. I love it but it also makes my toes curl. Not that I worried about that part. It was my obsession when I was pregnant with Gwennie, this overwhelming fear that she would be unable to nurse for whatever reason. But the thought only crossed my mind once and it was because I was in the bottle aisle at Target.

Natalie is almost perfect. But she was born with a couple of little things.

For one, she has a swelling on the right side of her head. It appears that labor was stalled a little because she was malpositioned. Her head was crooked in the birth canal, its called asynclitic birth. My labor wasn't long for most people, but it was long for me. Part of why homebirth appealed to me was that my labors don't last for days. I am lucky in that way. Gwennie's labor was fast, about 2 1/2 hours of pain. Natalie was 6 hours. The last 2 were non-stop though, there was barely time to get a breath before I was moaning like a cow in labor again and trying to keep the tension from making me clench up. (Watch Dirty Jobs, there is an episode that he is at a cow ranch and helping "birth the calves". I sounded just. like. them.)

Back to the swelling. I didn't notice it until she was almost 24 hours old because she had a hat on and her head was still gross from birth. At first I felt a little panicked. Its a swelling, on her head, that couldn't be good. But it didn't seem to cause her any grief as I prodded it, and its not on any of the suture lines of her newborn skull. Pam looked at it, and confirmed that my Mommy diagnosis was 100% correct. It was also probably why I wasn't dilating during early labor. Maybe she just wanted to be born on the 29th and not the 28th. The swelling is slowly going down.

The other little thing has to do with her feet. When she was still inside she found a position she liked and stayed there. She was LOA but apparently her feet were in a slightly off position. I had fears about her feet because I didn't see them during either of the ultrasounds I had. But also during the last trimester her feet felt weird. I thought that maybe it was her knees because that was how it felt. More angular.

As soon as I was holding her, I was checking out her face. No, I didn't try to look at her feet right away, I noticed that she had two of them but I didn't examine them. I looked at them much later when both she and I had been cleaned up a bit and we were laying in bed recovering. Her little toes pointed straight up, touching her shins. Both feet were like that. I could easily manipulate the feet down to the correct position, so once again I didn't worry. Plus I had been reading Baby Catcher in the week leading up to her birth (for inspiration I think) and in it, she delivers a baby with club feet, but when she calls a doctor about the club feet they mention feet like Natalie's and how its not a big deal. So I didn't give it a serious thought. I do plan on taking her to the doctor next week and will discuss that with them.

During internet research I found out that its called Calcaneovalgus and with just a little stretching, should go away all together. If not, the treatment is for her to wear stiff high top shoes. (I really hope that we don't have that! I love Robeez and the other soft leather shoes as well as bare baby feet!)

I slept better last night, too. So today I feel quite a lot better emotionally. Yesterday I cried a lot. I was weepy all morning and again right at dinner time. The pain was getting to me, as well as just being so tired, I felt miserable. I heated up dinner for the girls and myself and sat on the couch crying while I ate in front of the t.v. Not something I normally do, but I attempted to sit at the table the night before for dinner and it was so uncomfortable that I ate as fast as I could so I could get off my backside. I also spent some time sitting on an icepack last night. It seems to help a little. (I am getting ready to get it out again.)