72 Month Newsletter

Last night of being five.

Dearest Gwennie,

The weeks leading up to your birthday were exciting to you. Nothing thrilled you as much as marking another day off of the calendar. You knew that your birthday was going to be a little sad, because your big sister was going to the Grand Canyon with her class for a few days. But that didn't stop you from fully enjoying your day.

I picked you up from school early and had planned to take you to see a movie. You wanted to go have a playdate with your cousin Maddie. We were going to have dinner with her anyway, so this was a good idea. We stopped on the way and got ice cream at Dairy Queen. You enjoyed your dipped cone.

Outfit picked out for your birthday.

You love school. I didn't doubt that you would. You don't like for nap care but Rhayn loved it. By the end of those days you are exhausted and grumpy.Six is such a big age. I am just shocked at how fast time is flying by. I think this is the last year that you will be able to wear this birthday shirt. We'll have to put it away for Nan to wear when she is big enough.
You are silly and so much fun. I am always thankful for you.

I love you,
Mama

A Quickie

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel like posting about Gwennie's birthday, or posting about her as a 6 year old.
Hopefully tomorrow I will also feel like posting about Nan's awesome skillz.
Hopefully tomorrow I will not be feeling quite so down about life.

But for now I am going to bed and I plan on reading. Until then,please enjoy this silly picture of a 6 year old and a 5 year old.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow you turn 6 months old my tiny little love. I can't believe for 6 months I have held you close.
Tomorrow you turn 6 years old my big golden haired love bug. And I can not believe you've made it off of the 1 hand and onto the second hand.

Weekly Gratitude

This week I a grateful for~

~A quick, family, weekend trip out of the valley. He had duty, so the girls and I did some fun things about Flagstaff. But that is a post in itself!
~Good friends who watched our sweet pooch (and whose dogs wore her out! She is still sleeping!) while we made that quick trip.
~A biggest girl whose class is going on a camping trip this week to the Grand Canyon. She is beyond excited about it.
~A big girl who will turn 6 on Thursday.
~A baby who will be 6 months old on Thursday.
~Most of all, I am grateful for my family.

Silent Sunday

I've seen far too much of this unhappy baby lately.She is so fussy and unhappy. At night she wants to nurse BUT she's been stuffed up. Yesterday was the worst I ended up pumping milk because I needed to.

And she wants me, and only me, to hold her.

I wonder if its teeth and if so... will they JUST pop out.
If not then I hope she gets better soon.

They opened a new library near the girls' school. We finally made it over to check it out. It is amazing.

Weekly Gratitude

Today I am grateful for
~Will. He was home this weekend. Though it was a crazy busy weekend, we didn't get to spend a lot of time together. It was just nice to have him home.
~spending time with my family. I don't see them much since we are always so very busy. Sunday we headed to their house to celebrate one of the grandkids' 2nd birthday as well as have 3 baby blessings, including Natalie's and I don't have any great pictures of her in her beautiful white dress. I love that my dad is able to bless her. And listening to JVA bless his boys was amazing. He, his wife and boys will be sealed in the temple soon and I know how happy that makes my parents. ~my sweet baby. She loves me best of all. Seriously. You have no idea. I'll get into that more when I write her 6 month newsletter (coming up far too soon!)
~these perfectly lovely mornings. I love the cool morning hours. Opening up the door and letting in the outside while I enjoy my morning rituals.

Semi Silent Sunday

This weekend is a whirlwind of activity.

And I am trying to stay calm.While trying to get everything done.
And while doing that, I take a moment
to breathe in the scent of my baby's sweet head.

I have a memory, it pops up whenever we break open a fresh coconut.
Its vague, more of a snapshot of a moment frozen forever in time.
And its my grandpa.Cracking open a coconut for his grandkids.
Because he loved us.

Weekly Gratitude

I haven't written any things that I am grateful for lately.
Mostly because I had been struggling with gratitude recently.
But the weather finally broke and we've had cooler temperatures and cloudy days. Its been beautiful out.
~I am finally better from 2 back to back colds that kicked my butt. This was followed by the worst migraine I have ever had. So bad that I had to call a friend to come and take my girls to school. It was miserable, BUT lasted only 18 hours. Also Nanny let me take a 3 hour nap that helped through it.
~We started giving Nanny food at dinner so that we can all eat together. I wanted to avoid feeding her people food until she was 6 months old, but she. wants. food. She also does a great job eating it. Or at least playing with it. A scoop of rice was a huge hit and kept her busy long enough for me to eat my sushi roll. (Though we were at a restaurant at the time and there. was. rice. everywhere.)
~Gwennie is sleeping better. We stopped fighting her about sleeping in my room. I set up her bed near mine and she is sleeping without as much of a fight. This means she is in a much better mood.
~Rhayn and I talked about 9-11 this weekend. It gave me a chance to think about it, and process my thoughts. Sure its been 10 years, but I remember life before it. My kids won't. They will always live in a world that knows this can happen. They will always live in a world where their dad joined the Military after this tragedy. It was the first year I told Rhayn about what happened. We watched a couple of shows about it, and we went to The Healing Field in Tempe. It was beautiful.
~Will was away at drill this weekend. I am grateful that he isn't in another country. I am grateful that we'll get to see him (even if its for a short amount of time) this weekend. ~I am grateful for a baby's first birthday party that meant time with my family. I spent a long time talking with my Grandma. I rarely take the time to talk to her. I should really change that.
~All in all it was a decent weekend. And for that I am grateful.

Silent Sunday

I only wish we could have been there as they read the names.

10 Years ago

While the world watched in horror as the towers fell.
While the world around us changed.
My family sat and waited, while my baby had surgery.
Surgery to close her cleft palate.
And in my heart I prayed then.
And in my heart I pray now.
As we remember that day 10 years ago.
The day that changed our world.

(Doesn't Natalie look just like Rhayn?)

10 years ago my life was going in one direction. Will and I were getting ready to take Rhayn in for her surgery scheduled at 6 am on September 11th, 2001.

I look back and remember.
How much my life has changed because of that awful day.
If it weren't for that day, Will would not have joined the military. Our lives inexplicably changed because he wanted to serve, and by him serving, we serve.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Some Updates

I'm doing a 30 day photo challenge, here, so join in if you want. Or just look at my lame pictures.

This weekend Will was home, which was awesome. I was sick and didn't get to enjoy him, but it was nice to be sick and not have to worry about the kids. I am really lucky to have him. We aren't going to see a lot of him over the next month or so. I hate that. We miss him dreadfully when he is gone and its hard on the girls to not see him regularly.

Gwennie has made some friends at school. She is so cute talking about them all of the time. One of the little girls is really into vampires (in kindergarten?) so Gwennie is talking about them. I asked her about vampires and she said "They suck blood, S and I love them and we are one of them. S was the first vampire and she bit me, and now I'm a vampire." I wonder if that is why she wants to wear black clothes? You know, because she is such a goth.

Lily had a puppy play date at our friends' house and she was so worn out the next day that she could barely move. I wish I was a better pet owner, and took her on walks more. But it has been so ridiculously hot we have been doing as little as possible to get by.

Silent Sunday

This is NOT a criticism of my friends. I just need to say that now. Also this is random and not so nice and well... you can read it but be warned. I am a mess. (Blame it on the weather and a cold, okay?)

I recently had a chat with two women that I consider really good friends. These two have kids the same age as Rhayn and their kids were in Rhayn's class for a few years. These two have moved their kids on and when we talk about schooling they often point out the problems they have with Mr. T. I get it, he isn't a perfect teacher. But they never have a positive word to say about him and I am always left wondering if they think down on me for having kept Rhayn in his class.

They point fingers and talk about all the bad things he has done. I get it. I do. I can't say he would be my #1 choice for teacher. But he is her teacher, and I know he cares for those kids. He is doing a decent job. I am tired of the bad mouthing. I can not take it.

These same friends talk up the awesomeness of their kids all. of. the. time. I get it, their kids are the best at... Am I a bad mom for not looking at my children and saying "Dang, my child is the best at... and I have to tell everyone about it." I can not center my life around my oldest child, my middle child, my baby, I can barely keep my head above water most of the time. I feel like I am drowning and like I have been for years.

Am I a bad parent? Are my kids way more awesome than I see? Or am I realistic? Am I messed up in this way of thinking?

I am trying to be the best mom I can be, and I know that whatever I do, my kids will blame me at some point for messing up their lives (probably around age 16?) And I know that they are intelligent kids who will make some good choices and some bad choices. I know I can't be there for them 100% of the time and they will have to fend for themselves at some point. I can only hope I have given them the tools to be the best person they can.

I really need something positive in my life. This heat is killing my spirit and drive. This cold I have is zapping every ounce of coping I have and I am left feeling like a shell of myself. These conversations take it out of me and I am left empty.

It should be 103 this time of year, instead its day 10 or so of 110. I need to be outside but even at 7am its in the 90s. I can not take much more and retain any amount of sanity. I hate being in my house I want fall, I want to wear pants without feeling like death. I hate this. I. Hate. This.

(Ok vent over.)