60 Month Newsletter

Dearest Gwennie,

Remember back when I used to write newsletters to you every month? No? Well you can't read yet so that makes sense. But lets just say, there was a time in your life that I chronicled everything you did and said, just so I wouldn't forget. I love that I did that. I love to read back over the early days and months and years of your life. But its been a long time since I wrote a letter to you.

Today you turned five, one whole hand, the last year to be counted on just one hand. Five. I can not believe how time has flown.


A few days ago we spent some time cleaning your bedroom. You love it when it is clean, but can't seem to keep it that way. Oh well, you were 4, how much can I expect from you? Well you told me that you wanted to sleep in there, and the past few nights you do go in and stay for a short while. Your fear of the dark an utter dislike of being alone makes you climb into bed with me soon after you "try" to sleep in there. I know eventually you will sleep in your own bed and it will be bittersweet for me. On a side note, since I don't remember mentioning it on here, you have been diaper-free at night for almost a month now. At first you clung to the diapers like a lovey, but soon it was perfectly fine to sleep without them. You will even wake in the night to use the toilet if you need to.

Last night we were laying in my bed, after reading a story, talking. I told you I needed big hugs from my four year old, and how excited I was that you would turn 5. Your response was "I want to stay 4." Yes, you admitted that you wanted your birthday, but you would prefer to stay 4 and not turn 5. I think maybe we've put too much emphasis on how 5 is a big deal. I asked you why you wanted to stay 4 and you told me that you wanted to stay with me forever. Its sweet, and I know that you are a little nervous about being a big sister, too. I only hope you know that growing up is not a bad thing at all.

I woke up this morning with a migraine. Fun. It ruined my plans for our day. I haven't moved much from the couch. Luckily for you, Daddy was home for most of the day. But lets get back to the morning.

Rhayn was excited to give you a gift she had lovingly made for you. Its a doll that she sewed and stuffed all on her own. She also gave you a dollar (but said it was from "The Monster"). She is thoughtful in that way, but that is a whole other post. You were excited to get to open a gift. You mom (the serious slacker) didn't get anything for you. Money is tight and I haven't had any real time without you by my side for a while.

We came home and watched PBS Kids for a while this morning. You love to watch Elmo, but your favorite shows are Dinosaur Train and Martha Speaks. We don't watch tv much, but I needed it this morning and so it turned into a special birthday treat.

Daddy took you out for lunch. You, of course, chose McDonald's. Then he took you to Target to pick out a small gift. I really think that this made your day. Daddy picked Rhayn up from school and took her to ballet practice. I am grateful for this, but it was a tad bit disappointing because when you thought Daddy was staying home (and I was doing pick-up) you wanted to stay home. Instead when you found out that he was getting Rhayn, you immediately changed your mind and chose to go. I should have known better, since you were one year old you have preferred him over me almost every single time.

Its evening now. The day is nearly complete. Once again I look back over the past 5 years, and see how much you have grown and am amazed by you.

Always,
With all the love in me,
Your Mama

FIVE! Sakes alive

Gwennie is five today. After weeks and weeks worth of waiting, her birthday arrived.

Unfortunately I woke up with a killer migraine (stupid barometric pressure change). I have struggled with it all day. But this post isn't supposed to be about me. Since my head throbs like crazy, I'm just going to post some pictures of her. Maybe later on I can post about her day.

In case you are wondering, those little toys are called Squinkies and they are the next big, cool, thing. Rhayn has one that a friend at school gave her and Gwennie has wanted one of her own.

On the last day you were 4...

We woke up at our normal time, and you excitedly crossed off the last blank day on the calendar before the one circled that says "Gwen's b-day".
We stuck to our normal routine, breakfast and taking Rhayn to school. We even fit in a grocery store trip.
Your mama totally forgot about a previously scheduled play-date. (Whoops, parenting fail. Maybe I do need a smart phone.)
You reminded everyone, a million times, that tomorrow you will be 5.
You ate a whole container of raspberries.
You shared a lettuce wrap with your Daddy.
You drew a Christmas colored unicorn, then cut it out.
We talked about many things.
We shared a few handfuls of candy corn.
We picked up Rhayn from school (as usual).
Your mama remembered this very day and the next one from 2005.
You had soccer practice. Daddy took you, which is the best thing in the world to you.
*** to be continued

Gratitude Monday

• 

Today I am grateful for

• feeling better. Still not 100% but food is starting to appeal to me again. I don't feel queasy every time someone mentions curry which is excellent. With the girls 16 weeks was magical and an end to almost all of the ill feelings. I have hope, since that is only a week away. I also never thought I would make it this far, since the morning (evening/all day) sickness was so bad for a while there, I couldn't see the end of the tunnel. Not that I would volunteer to do this again (EVER) but I can see the part of being pregnant I remember- the fun, feeling good part.
  
• being 15 weeks along. I am starting to bulge a little, sorry for the crappy picture. I am going to try to take a picture tonight to show the difference from morning to evening, usually you can tell I am pregnant at night and not in the morning. (This will be the last day wearing my Spock shirt for a while. Its way too tight already, since my breasts have swollen and now my belly is, too.)
• quiet mornings. Other than a lie Rhayn told Gwennie this morning it was an easy one.
• fun morning outings with friends. Yesterday a couple of friends and I had coffee at the Starbucks right by my house (its only a mile or so away). It was nice to catch up with them both. One of them I got to chat with more later when she came to pick up her kiddo at our house.
  
• watching kids cook. Last night Rhayn and her friend, C, made dinner for us- French toast. I had made fresh French bread and sliced it for them, then they proceeded to cook a delicious dinner for our family.

I am torn on how I feel about a certain little girl's upcoming 5th birthday. She is excited about it, and I am trying to feel it, too. We've planned a birthday party for her, but its not until this weekend. Her actual birthday may go by without much celebration, I think we'll just have to wait and see.

Silent Sunday- Soccer

Choices Go Team Green!

In life we have choices every day. When you are pregnant you have a huge one. To find out or not.

When I was pregnant with Gwennie I did not want to find out. However I am weak, very weak. I had been strong up to the point of the ultrasound as Will and I were there, watching a baby move around in me. The ultrasound tech hovered the wand just an inch from the spot and said "Do you want to know? It would just take a second."
I caved, I knew how much Will wanted to know.
"Ok."
"Its a GIRL!" and I was so happy, a sister for Rhayn. I was also disappointed because Will was so sure she was a boy that I had convinced myself that there was a boy in there.

This time, from even before the second line appeared on the test, I knew I wanted to be surprised. While there is no good reason to wait, there is really no good reason to find out (for me). I think it might help me to bond with the baby, but every day when I feel a little poke or prod from the inside (which I am feeling right now!) I feel closer to this little soul growing within me. I would love to know, if only so that I wouldn't have to come up with names for both sexes. (I have a few nice boy names, but girl names elude me.) It would be nice to know what style of baby clothes to start hoarding. But really none of that matters.

It all boils down to- I want the surprise. I want to push the baby out and feel that rush of overwhelming love while Will looks down and says, "Its a ..." I want that moment. I am also a little afraid that if the baby is a girl I will be disappointed. I feel like in that special moment, I won't are as much, but if it were during and ultrasound I would be devastated. I know, its silly. I want this baby, no matter the sex, I want a healthy baby... really that is all. But I really want to have a son. I look at little boys with envy, I see their cute little polo shirts and khaki shorts and I want a baby to dress that way. I want snips and snails and puppy dog tails. No more sugar and spice and everything nice.

I can't deny that desire to have a son. I won't deny it. I know this is our last baby, a point I am glad for when I am hovered over the toilet or staring at the texture on the wall near the toilet making out shapes like a Rorschach test of doom. (There is a clown-like face that seems to laugh at me as I heave over and over.) I look forward to the next part of life, much like what we do now, soccer games and homework. There is a small part of me that freaks out then I think of this baby-to-be and how much it will change everything in our lives. Gwennie, who has been my baby for almost 5 years now, who still cuddles with me at night, holding my hair and hand gently, will be a middle child. Have I doomed her to some fate I don't know yet? What about Rhayn? She already has things she can't do (like watch Goonies) because "Gwennie is too little, it will scare her." We'll add another 5 or more years of that, she will be a teenager...

Gasp... A teenager... when this baby enters kindergarten. Sure, its the space between Dacheese and I, adding about 6 months, so I know that Rhayn and the baby will have a special bond, it will just be different. (A bond intensified by Rhayn's desire to be at the birth and to cut the cord. I hope she gets to be there I feel it is important.)

I digress, also not sure where I was headed... oh yes my desire to be on "Team Green" the not finding out crew...

There are very few times in life when we get to be surprised. This is the best one, sure its a surprise at the ultrasound. I know that, but its like peeking in a Christmas present. I hate that. I could wait until a week after Christmas to open a gift, because not knowing is rather exciting in its own special way.

And I am excited to unwrap this gift in March.

Just writing this is stressful

What a week... seriously I feel like there are a million things I should be doing, but instead, I will blog, because that is how I roll y'all. As usual laundry looms in baskets, washed and dried but not put away. I remember thinking "I'll do it when I get home from Gwennie's soccer practice". That was Tuesday evening.

Wednesday was supposed to be such a lovely day and Gwennie and I needed to buy some things for her upcoming birthday party, so we went out. We stayed out all day. At pick up we got Rhayn, and took her to ballet. Then we came home, I made dinner and went to bed. I was grumpy and stressed out. I felt awful because Will was in a great mood and really excited about something he had finished that day and I was a ball of stress yelling at the girls.

Thursday is handwork day at school. I love it as we make things and sit around talking. Great fun normally. I went out with a friend before to Starbucks (I had a Passion tea, its herbal and delicious.) As we were getting ready to leave I used the restroom, and when I wiped it was pink. In a daze I walked out, said goodbye to my friend and called my midwife. She didn't answer, so I drove to the school and my phone rang as soon as I parked. I told her what was going on. No cramps, just some spotting, really light. She offered for me to come and hear the heartbeat or we could schedule an ultrasound. I opted for the latter. We hung up so she could call around and see if she could get me in that day at the ultrasound school. When she called me back she said that they could fit me in at 5:30 that evening. OK, no problem. Will's home, he can take Rhayn to soccer practice. No need to worry. I just needed to relax a little.

We came home around 1pm and I lay on the couch. Will comes in and I tell him what is going on. Only then he tells me that he has a meeting that night at 4 and can't take Rhayn to soccer. Its ok, I had a friend offer to take Rhayn if I needed her to. I called her, she said it was fine. But I still felt badly for having to do that. I hate relying on others. I want to be able to do it all.

At about 4pm, we started to leave the house. Gwennie didn't look so good. She said she felt like she would puke. (I knew the feeling as I had just done so myself.) We grabbed a cup, and I figured she would probably fall asleep in the car. I know, I felt like a terrible person because I was dragging my sick child along with me.

We got to my friend's house. Gwennie immediately said she was going to puke, and did as soon as she was in the bathroom. L offered to keep both girls. (Originally she was just taking Rhayn). I asked Gwennie if that was ok, because sometimes when she is sick she wants to stay with me. She was feeling better after puking and said she would like to stay.

I left, feeling ambivalent about leaving her. I felt like the worst mom, ever, because she was sick. But I knew she would be better there than if she'd had to be dragged along with me to sit in a waiting room. Plus it was a little of a relief to not have to entertain her while I was waiting and stressing myself out.

At the Ultrasound school I sat in the lobby waiting. I was a half an hour early but I knew I was being squeezed in and I needed to be early just in case. I ended up sitting there until 5:40 (with 32 ounces of water in my bladder.)

Finally I was called back, and the ultrasound tech was so much nicer this time. (She knew the situation.) I was freezing because the lobby is so cold, and she apologized for the gel being cold, since they don't have the nice gel warmer that some places have. She squirted the cold gel on my abdomen and the wand, and turned on the picture. There was a baby. For a second I stared trying to make out the heart beating. I couldn't see it, so I asked her if it was beating. She said yes, and my eyes filled with tears. Then she turned the sound on and we listened to that lovely sound.
"About 150 beats per minute, strong and healthy," she said.
"Good" I replied, feeling an easing in my entire body. My baby was still alive and kicking in there.
We looked at the head while she took measurements, and she asked if I wanted to know if it was a boy or girl, if she could tell.
"No," it took everything in me to say that word.
"Ok, I'm going to turn the screen for a moment just in case the gender is obvious."
"Sure thing."
She did her thing, then turned it back so I could see again. The baby wasn't moving a lot, but he/she did raise his/her little fist to his/her face and start to suck his/her thumb. The other hand was above the head. I don't remember seeing the baby's feet at all, but that would be what she was measuring when she turned the screen.
Baby is perfect, measuring at 14 weeks 6 days, just a tiny bit ahead of schedule. Just perfect.

I was sent home with five or so profile shots including the one with the fist by his/her face. I have never felt such relief before.

I picked up the girls who were both having a great time, and we went home. I made them pb&j for dinner and went to bed at a little after 7. I was just so tired I couldn't stay up. What a long day.

Gwennie Learns to Play Soccer

I am so tired today. I feel like I could fall asleep sitting or standing. I also feel just plain bleh. Not quite like the pregnant bleh I have been feeling, more like coming down with something bleh. I really want to sleep...

But first, I really want to take a shower to see if it clears my head. (I am stuffy.) Will seems to feel a bit under the weather, too. So maybe we are sick.

All I know for sure is that I am ready to feel awesome. Really ready to not be tired. Really ready to be able to eat anything (and everything.) Now, please.

Edited to add- Every time I mention that I haven't puked in a while I end up puking. Sucky. Also I did take a short nap and a shower, neither of which made me feel better as I was sitting at Gwennie's soccer practice (pictures tomorrow, she is so flippin' cute!)

Gratitude Monday

Gwennie had her first soccer practice on Saturday. She LOVED it and was so excited to get her team shirt. She has her second practice on Tuesday and her first game on Saturday. Rhayn starts practice on Thursday. Its funny because Gwennie was opposed to the idea of soccer after I told her that I had signed both of them up.

I am officially in the 2nd trimester. 14 weeks! (I know some calendars mark the 2nd trimester as starting 13 weeks, but all of the books/websites/etc. say by 14 weeks.) Every week I feel a little better. I have had a few puke-free days, and that is always good. I am still feeling queasy in the evenings, but its nothing compared to just a few weeks ago.

I love the occasional bumps this little love gives me. They aren't regular nor can I count on them, but when they happen, it. is. amazing.

Silent Sunday

Tail-end

So its Thursday and I haven't written since Monday. Nothing much is going on here. I am slowly feeling better, but by evening I am still feeling under the weather. I haven't been puking every day, just every few days. That is a bonus. I have more energy and food is getting better. I know in the next couple of weeks I am going to start feeling great, and I really look forward to that. You all have no idea (unless of course you have been pregnant and had morning sickness.) This is the worst, and to be on the tail end of it makes me so happy. Maybe soon I'll even stop being so mean to everyone... what? One can hope right?

Gratitude Monday

I am feeling better today than I was last week. I can only hope I am on the way into the part of pregnancy that is enjoyable. Today I am loving these things-

• A new baby in my family. Gwennie and I loved going to meet her at the hospital on Friday. Seriously, you can't see how cute she is in these pictures, but she is. Plus, doesn't my sister look AMAZING considering she had birthed a baby merely hours before this?
  
• Being 13 weeks along in my own pregnancy.
  
• Confirmation that I can in fact feel Baby moving in there. I was at my midwife appointment on Friday and while she was listening to Baby's heart, Baby kicked the doppler, and I felt it. I thought I had been feeling some movement for a few days, and that just reassured me that I was feeling it. (And am therefore NOT crazy.)
  
• Saladitos. I haven't had these in years, but I bought a small bag at the store this morning and Mmmm they were good.
  
• Going to the grocery store and NOT feeling sick. This was a big step. I usually make it to the end of my trip before I start to feel pukey, but I managed to make it HOME before that happened!
• Gwennie cracks me up, the other day while playing Chutes and Ladders with Daddy and Rhayn, she was counting to 4 in Spanish- uno, dos, thrres (slight roll on those Rs folks), CHACO!
  

Silent Sunday

This morning there was a nip to the air. (Okay I know it was not yet 6am... but still first time since May I think.) That little bit of cool off has reminded me of good things to come. It felt like fall in Phoenix. I could picture the slightly cooler temperatures that will soon envelope us, everyday. And for the first time in a while I feel pretty darn awesome. In fact, I feel happy, blissful. Sure there is still a twinge of nausea if I wait too long to eat, and I did throw up yesterday before dinner (which is better than after dinner.) But I can see the light at the end of the puke covered tunnel. I can feel energy returning to me.

I also know that its possible that this is just a small break from it. I am being realistic of course. Its just that after months of feeling like death, I don't feel like that right now. I want to revel in that.

I am just over 12 weeks along. I am grateful for that. Today I feel the gratitude I was lacking earlier this week. Now maybe if I could just motivate myself to use some of this energy to clean...

Zoo trip

lack of Gratitude Tuesday

Yesterday I had nothing that I felt grateful for, today is the same. I had been nursing a nasty tension headache on and off all weekend (really its been around since Thursday.) I was feeling really nauseous...again. I wanted to sleep, but for some reason I couldn't.

Will took the girls to a baseball game. They had fun, and I had quiet. Originally I had planned to go along, but after tylenol did nothing to the headache, I gave up. It wasn't worth the pain.

Today my headache seems to be gone. I am trying to remain relaxed and avoid its return. But the back of my head aches just a tad. I have already been to the grocery store, and have my 3rd load of clothes in the washing machine (two loads are on the line drying.)

We are still all adjusting to Will being home. I feel like a loser all day, because I should be cleaning or at least doing something, instead I have been sick and stare at the computer all day. Its lame. Will made some off-hand comment to my parents about how now that he has seen what I do all day he feels like my time has been wasted. My dad replied with "But its worth it to have them stay home with the kids." I think Will may have been joking, because he knows how sick I am (obviously he's seen me, I look awful, and listened to me puke.) But I've been thinking a lot about that comment. I know that I am slacking in what I would normally do.

But what do I "normally" do all day? I clean the house, I do laundry, I make sure Gwennie is fed. I drop Rhayn off at school and pick her up. I go to the grocery store. I make dinner. I let the dogs in and out of the house. I make sure things run smoothly. I clean the counters in the kitchen.

What have I been doing lately? Cleaning the bare minimum to keep the house from stinking. Laundry. Feeding Gwennie, sometimes other times Will does it. I shuttle Rhayn to and from school. I sit in our lazyboy and read blogs, news and stare at Facebook, Babycenter and Diaperswappers for hours, trying to keep from vomiting. I lay on the couch and read.

I feel horrible emotionally. My body hurts in ways I don't remember from doing this before. But I know I felt this way, at least to some extent, because I wrote about it on here but also because of the lack of posts I wrote during the first trimester of my pregnancy with Gwennie. Why does it seem worse this time? Why in the heck did my mind glorify being pregnant? I know that later on, during the 2nd trimester and into the 3rd I will feel awesome. I know (in my head) that this is a short lived part of having a baby. I know (in my head) that I really do not have it so bad and it is getting better, slowly. I also know that if my symptoms just suddenly dropped away I would worry about miscarriage. I know that soon I will feel the baby wiggling around inside of me, and for a time, it will only be for me, no one else will be able to feel that. But then the hormonal, emotional, mess side comes out, and I feel miserable. I want to sleep away the next few weeks (or month) because both times before I have felt like a normal person by 16 weeks. I can hope that I don't puke anymore but then again, the nausea gets so bad that puking is a relief, and allows me to eat.

However... until I feel better, I may go back to being a hermit. I'll only leave my house to shuttle Rhayn to school and home. At least until I feel up to doing more. Or maybe until my emotions return to something more pleasant.

Silent Sunday- Backyard Rainbows

Mommy style

Gwennie style

Inspired by Like a Bird

dreams, sickies and adjustments

So far adjusting to Will being home in the mornings hasn't been too bad. Its throwing off our rhythm, but we'll just need to establish a new one. The dogs love their morning walk.

As for me, well I've been sick. No, not the morning sickness, that is tapering off. Its been a week of migraines. Tuesday evening I had the tell-tale auras that precede some of my migraines. The yesterday I was feeling great, until the afternoon when WHAM! I was struck by a nasty headache. Its lingering still. Tylenol is taking the edge off, and allowing me to function, but it is not fun.

Gwennie had a bad dream last night. I guess. She won't tell me about it, but she has been a mess today. I think that she didn't sleep well because of her nightmare. We were in the car and she asked me if I really wanted to know about her dream because "its too scary for adults" and she wasn't sure I wanted to hear about it. I reassured her that I did want to hear, if she wanted to tell me. She then decided not to tell me. I don't think she wants to talk about it, but I know that if she does, she'll feel better. Maybe tomorrow she will be willing to talk about it.

Ch-ch-changes

When Will came home from Iraq he started talking about starting his own internet/media consulting firm. He's always had aspirations to be his own boss, so this wasn't news to me. But then he started implementing a plan and even turned in a letter to his job advising them of his plan to vacate said job. This was months ago. Since then he has been working on many other things that had taken him away from his (paying) civilian job. His time was split up so much that it became obvious to him (and to me) that he needed to either go to part time at his job or quit.

He requested a part-time position. He was denied. So he put in his two weeks and here we are. Monday was his last day at a paying job. For now he is working at home on some projects that he feels are worth pursuing. I am proud of him for taking that step.

At the same time, I am terrified. At this moment, we have no income. Add to that an issue with our insurance due to him changing from the National Guard to the Army Reserves and you end up with a stressed out pregnant lady.

I am trying to take it all in stride. I know he has a plan. I know that he will make it. I also know that we'll bounce back from this if he were to fail. I am lucky to have found, as a life partner, a person who wants to better himself and his family. Will works so hard, harder than anyone else I know. Eventually his hard work will pay off and he will be a success. I know that.

But pregnancy = hormonal imbalance = crazy lady. I have to keep reminding myself that its all worth it. That in a few months, this stressful time will seem so long ago and will easily be forgotten. Until then, I really need to learn how to clip coupons and save money. This requires a whole new way of thinking.

Am I up for this challenge? I think so.

*This also makes me thankful for seeing a homebirth midwife because insurance isn't going to pay her anyway, so we'll have to set up a payment plan and cross our fingers that this baby isn't a brat like Gwennie and chooses to be head down and cooperative!